19/03/2025
After one of my usual late night chats with my daughter, I sat and thought about what we discussed and what I coached her through in that moment and it inspired me to write the below:
Ineffectual Anger in ADHD
The sheer rage we feel at inanimate objects is real.
The sudden explosive anger at something not going as planned.
The anger we feel at ourselves that’s disproportionate to the situation.
It always seems to hit right out of the blue, the need to smash, shout, scream, destroy, rage and berate.
I remember one specific incident, that, when I look back on it, it actually makes me laugh, which very quickly helps me pull myself back from an angry or frustrated moment.
I hadn’t realised it at the time but I had been collecting little bits of irritation all that day - Socks not sitting quite right so I could feel the seems; Someone saying something that upset me, but I stayed quiet; Opening my mouth and things just flowing out that I didn’t intend; Feeling guilty that I had unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings.
It was building up inside but as it was pretty par for the course for me, I didn’t tackle the individual instances until, Blam! -the wardrobe door didn’t shut quite right.
That was it! I was ragingly angry at that door! How dare it?! It had one job to do and couldn’t do it!!
I started slamming it and screaming at it. Trying to pull it off its hinges. Putting all my weight into hanging off the handle and pushing it in the opposite direction to how it should work, I wanted to totally demolish it!
Eventually I was exhausted and stopped as my anger burned itself out.
And the door - unmoved.
It wasn’t affected in any way by all my railing and rage, it was fine. (I might add, whoever fitted them, if I need anything built in, I’ll be calling them!)
I on the other hand, hadn’t really solved anything and in fact had ended up hurting myself physically. My hands hurt where I had been slapping at it, the handle had left painful indentations on my skin, my hair was all over the place - but the door?
The door was absolutely fine.
I started to laugh, as I pictured what I must have looked like, red faced and breathing heavily, beating at that door.
I realised that what I was doing was hurting me, more than anything else
Instead of dealing with the smaller issues that were bothering me, I was letting them build into these outbursts that, ultimately, achieved nothing.
It taught me that I had to stop pushing through and to listen to my body and mind.
I learned breathing techniques to calm my body when I felt those feelings. To look at them and sit with them, to understand them and see what I could do to change the outcome.
I could have taken my socks off or changed them to a seamless pair.
I could have raised my concerns about what I wasn’t happy or comfortable with.
I could have talked to the person I worried I had hurt
I could have fixed the reason why the door didn’t shut (it was one slightly loose screw)
They were all small changes I could have made.
It’s about looking at the things you CAN control. In those situations, I could have had some control over solving the issues.
The one thing I might not have control over was the person I spoke to, I might not see them again. In that situation I had to learn to let it go as it is out of my control.
I have learned to change the things I can and to not overly worry about the things I can’t.
Living in the past and dwelling on past mistakes, isn’t LIVING!
It steals time from the now and one thing I’m determined to do is live!
So when I feel that blinding rage, I think about that wardrobe door, and I laugh.
It reminds me to take a moment to sit with my feelings of anger and frustration and to breathe, acknowledge the things I can and can’t change, apologise if necessary or just….let it go.
