27/04/2020
Many of us grew up with parents who were unconscious. They did not know how to provide a safe container for our feelings. They were unable to help us regulate our feelings so what we did was we found ways to deal with them by ourselves and these often were unhealthy ways.
You can see patterns in how you manage your feelings today.
Let’s take for example you are really upset about something. What do you do?
Do you cry and go to someone for comfort. Do they offer a hug and a listening ear? Do you sit in your feelings and affirm yourself. Do you have soothing techniques that you use that can help you?
Or
Do you hold the tears in, hide the tears, pretend everything is ok. Do you not let any one know your not ok. Do you isolate yourself? Do you pretend to be positive? Do you try to distract yourself? Do you go MIA until you feel happy again? Do you turn to alcohol/fatty foods/sugar? Do you lose your appetite?
Now let’s look at some of the ways parents may have dealt with your tears as a child:
“Go to your room. Stop whinging I’m sick of you fake crying trying to get your own way” (so you were sent away)
“Look it’s not that bad. Here have some chocolate this will make you better” (you were distracted/comforted with food).
“Why are you crying? Stop crying I don’t want to look at you?” (You we’re shamed so you learnt to snap out of it and pretend you were ok)
“You are so god damn sensitive. Why are you so sensitive your sister isn’t like this” (so you created an inner believe that you were too sensitive, too much for people to handle - so you learnt to hide your vulnerabilities)
Or maybe your parent didn’t notice or care when you were upset so now you believe that no one cares and you do your very best not to trouble anyone when you are struggling.
These are just some examples and what we now have to do as conscious parents is learn more about our feelings and we have to create healthy ways to self regulate and to also hold safe space for our child’s feelings.
