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Return to the Self, Wakefield North (2025)

Hello there, I'm Jonny,

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you a bit about myself and my journey. My journey to Reiki really began with my experiences with depression in my mid to late teens, a journey which remained with me for many years after and has been an ever present guide to understanding myself. My depression didn't arise out of a traumatic, singular event, it arose out of questions, out of a feeling that I was on a conveyor belt heading to a destination I never signed up for. It arose out of awareness of the problems in the world and feeling lost in them without a solution or a helping hand to support me. In the beginning such questions and perceptions often resulted in me blaming myself, for being someone who just couldn't get along with the way the world is. It very much began to feel like I was the problem and the only one feeling this way. But even as I pushed myself to fit in with the world something else in me demanded I found a different path, a different way of looking at and understanding these issues. My background at this point had very much been scientific and materialistic, but again with science I began to be frustrated with so many outward explanations but no real answers to the fundamentals of why. For instance when going to see a doctor about my depression and understanding the chemical imbalance in my brain, no one, nor any literature I found at the time could tell me why my brain had begun to function in that way. This love of science coupled with my frustration of it lead me to philosophy, to asking the questions that modern physics left to the speculative realms of philosophers. I began a philosophy degree, desiring to spend the next four years uncovering the deeper answers to the questions of life and mind and purpose. And it was during my time at university that I discovered a disconnect between the argumentation and back and forth dialectic of western philosophy, and the deep, emotional, feeling experiences that are so common to my life. There was a predominantly dismissive attitude to the unknown, the mysterious, the feeling side of life and whilst my mind loves the intellectual pursuit, my ever present depression was very much a feeling based phenomenon. So one night as I sat in the library reading, something lead me to the religious section, curiosity maybe, divine guidance, it doesn't really matter, as what I found there changed my life and my way of seeing. I picked up a book called the Kena Upanishad, it is an ancient text from India and is one of the texts upon which Hinduism is based. But what I found inside was not a dogmatic philosophy, not one founded upon abstract principles in which the pursuit of perfect logic was the goal, what I found was a beautiful synthesis between life and mankind, between body, heart, mind and environment. And as I settled down and began to read, I discovered that this is what I had been missing. A world in which all parts were purposeful, precious, necessary and divine in their own right. And this was such a contrast to the empty and shallow life I felt I was being lead down that it opened up a whole new way of seeing, and confirmed to me the feelings that had long been held deep within my soul. There is another way to do this, we need not be trapped by the patterns of those who came before us, our power is truly creative and we may change the world as we see it the moment we decide to act upon it. And we need not change with coercion, or force, or violence, for life is us and we are life, the two exist in harmony with each other, not at odds. If I wish to change the position of my hand it is a concert, a partnership, I desire my hand to move and it obliges, no force, no coercion, my hand and I are one, we work together as one. And when it comes to the life we live it is the same thing, we need not force it, or fight against others, we simply need live our life the way we have longed and desired to. And this set me alight inside and I just had to learn more and more about this way of seeing and living, and after years of absorbing knowledge and learning about metaphysical realms I desired to teach others, I desired to pass on what I knew, what I had learned and to ignite the fire in others that had been set in me all those years ago. This path lead me to Reiki, which is a synthesis of applied knowledge and honed meditation techniques, and a spiritual blessing, a direct application of the law of Love. Love in spiritual terms is always unconditional, divine love has never been anything less than total and utter care for all things that are. And Reiki is the expression of that love, it is an energy that gives exactly what is needed the moment it is needed. It offers nourishment and gentle reprieve to a tired mind and a weary soul, and it does it all endlessly, effortlessly and always with the utmost care. Upon learning about Reiki and feeling it for myself, I knew it was the most direct way to bring what I had learned to others, especially to those who were less likely to want to dive in to the realms of metaphysics and deep spiritual philosophy. Though I personally believe we should all take the time to understand ourselves, that life as we think of it should be put on hold whilst we take time to be with who we are, I recognise now that isn't always the case, and is honestly rarely the care or focus of most individuals. And that is perfectly okay with me. Through Reiki I have left behind, for the most part, the rebellious, determined part of myself that needed to see others change as I was changing, and have instead discovered the joy, beauty and love of allowing others to be as they are, as I dare to be all that I am, and through my heart, mind, spirit and body, offer that same love to others as often as life will allow me. I have felt the ups and downs of life, and I used to see them as a problem to be solved, my heart has now opened wide enough to let everyone's place in this world be valid and validated. My only mantra now or motto is 'be who you are', what else could be needed? So if you feel a little lost, or need a little encouragement to be who you are, I know the feeling all too well and you really don't need to be alone in this anymore. Get in touch, have a chat, let me love you as Reiki has taught me to love, unconditionally and with your own personal journey at the forefront of all that I offer. Reiki can help us to connect to ourselves, to settle our emotions, to quiet our mind, to heal and soothe the aching physical body. But most of all, Reiki can teach us to embrace all of ourselves, however we feel, however we think, whatever we desire, and to love and support ourselves no matter the way we are. It is an open invitation to be more of you, without fear or blame or judgement. It is an opportunity to love yourself for all you are, to embrace and be all you are, and to see that as a fact and not just an abstract self-help motto. To truly feel it in your being. I know this as I have felt it, and it is my only wish to help you all feel this too, and watch as you flourish in this world living the life of your choosing. All my love and blessings to you,

Jonny.

01/04/2025

A Piece on Trauma and Disconnection:

It is trauma that diverts us from our natural course.

And so it is repression of one’s natural tendencies and freedoms that invariably creates the 'shadow' self, the place that houses all of one’s unanswered needs and desires.

This is as true for animals as it is for humans.

If you take a dog, a natural predator that hunts and scavenges for its food and fights to maintain social order, and you take care of all of its needs, from food and water to protection and shelter and of course play and stimulation for a sense of fulfilment and excitement, a challenge to put their instincts and capacities to work at, then that natural predator becomes a gentle and loyal companion who never has to kill or hurt or become otherwise perturbed, though the capacity still lives within them.

But if you were to one day turn on that dog. Deny it food, it would come to you asking for its needs to be met, as it knows you are the one that solves those problems for them. But you decide to deny them food and send them away. They pester you further and you send them away more violently.

Like a human that dog is going to react in one of two ways.

It's either going to shut down and wonder what it has done wrong. It is going to feel it is a bad dog that just wants food and companionship and in not receiving these needs, accepts it must not deserve them and gives up, or leaves.

Or it is going to demand those needs be met, for they are vital to its survival, and whether you loved it once or not, it needs food, and in the lack of having it's needs seen to, it reverts to its predatory self, and the teeth and anger and violence emerge once again.

And in humans we have those who have enough awareness and sensitivity to refuse to hurt others because they are hurting. But instead they turn on themselves and believe that if the world has treated them this way, they must not be worth much at all anyway. And they turn to self-destructive behaviours, drugs, self-harm and so on.

Or we have humans whose awareness and beliefs don't stretch that far, and in denial of their needs being met, the hurt in them is free to lash out at those around them, often aimed at those they feel are to blame for their circumstances. Such as the dog and the owner that turns against them. Or as one group against another, rich vs poor, black vs white, muslim vs Christian, man vs woman, parent vs child and so forth.

And in all cases we ask what’s wrong, how do we fix it? How do we control it and prevent it?

But rarely have we seen this simple truth. It is denial of one’s freedom to be that creates a pressure that must be released. And it is released inwardly as self-harm, or outwardly as some other crime. Sometimes it can be both.

But our needs such as food, safety, water, and protection are vital to us first and foremost. But we must not forget how important stimulation and challenge is for the mental wellbeing of a person, who needs to engage their mind and body in tasks creatively and purposefully to feel a sense of achievement. There must be a sense of going somewhere and that sense and direction must be self-selected. It cannot be an external pressure shaping the inward freedom. That is the beginning of disorder. It must be the inner asserting itself as one who responds to the world, not one who is moved by it.

In that sweet poetry of life, that one inner being who is asserting itself is the world and life we are responding to. But until the inner is allowed to discover this for itself, all other effort only allows the inner to feel attacked by the world it is, to feel repressed, hurt, disconnected and unwanted, unneeded. It is this wound here that all humans share and that begins an inevitable countdown to destruction unless some form of intervention or healing can take place. Unless these needs can be provided for and reinstated in the individual.

It is this disconnection that begins the first search for something other, something better. A feeling that can change the circumstances at hand. And so begins the descent towards addiction. Whether it is s*x, drugs, spending money or crime, we look to the activities that allow us to feel better than our circumstances.

And when we find it, we feel different at least, not joy necessarily, but pleasure at least. And then when we're done, we can either end up in worse emotions like shame and guilt, circling around us, or simply return to that same old baseline we didn't like in the first place. Either way, in the absence of any other option the activity is repeated in the hopes we find that other feeling again. That is addiction. The escape from the bad feeling. The substance itself isn't necessarily addictive in a lot of ways, at least not in terms of w**d, or s*x, or spending money. It is the need to escape that is habitual.

And so it is a cycle we must break. And we must find ways to assert our natural freedom's again. We must be free to live safely in our bodies. We must be free to live healthily in our bodies. We must be allowed to make noise, to sing, to dance and to do it badly. To do it for the fun of it. To do it unashamedly. Because this is the beginning of trauma. The judgements the world has for loud, colourful, excited and happy people. It causes all eye’s to turn to you and those who do not know how to express themselves, who haven’t grown up in households where they’re allowed to express themselves taken on the role of shutting down those around them who do let themselves express who they are. It happens to kids in the playground all the time. I have plenty of memories myself of being made to feel weird and wrong and stupid in my openness. Naturally it hurts, and naturally you shut down, and naturally you distance yourself from who you really are. And from humble beginnings of being made to be quiet when you want to be loud, the disconnection surely grows, and left unchecked it escalates a person through worse and worse reactions, attempting to reassert some control over their lives, trying to find a way to express themselves and let out these bottled up and now intense feelings. And from addictions to violence, to mood disorders and psychiatric issues, it all builds up. Look at the world we live in, isn’t everyone a bit…off? This is the result of being disconnected from ourselves. From the worst of crimes to the mildest of issues, it all starts with the trauma of disconnection, the self-imposed repression applied quickly in sensitive individuals, or hammered into those who are more solid in who they are. But either way, the world eventually breaks us, and we eventually shut it away. And nearly all of our problems that follow, result from this disconnection.

And I'm not sure how we climb out of here. Back to a place of sanctity, relaxation and having no relationship any of these things we've mentioned today, the addictions, repressions, subtle and obvious self-harms, crimes and so on. Back to a place where self-consciousness is absent and so embarrassment never arises and so repression never enters the picture. To go from here to there appears impossible. To let go, to forgive, to live and to express again. But it must be done. We are all hurting for not having these things accounted for.

We think our society is burning because of bad people. But it is natural that we are reacting like this when we are not given the opportunity or provision to truly look after ourselves. Where mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually we are restricted and unable to live our natural freedom's. And I do mean natural. Not the dreams we have now, of a million pounds and infinite power. The dreams that arise in the minds of children who want nothing from this world at all, and so can dream up the silliest, sweetest most innocent of wishes and desires. They just want to be themselves. And they are innocent still, so they don't even yet know that what they want the most is to stay that way for ever. To never be hurt. To never have to look upon oneself with shame and question one’s worth. It doesn't exist to them. To any of us. Not until we're hurt. And so we must find a way to see that way again, through the eyes of innocence, not the eyes of corruption wanting, seeking, searching, needing to fill a void in oneself.

It is like they both stand side by side. Split in the human being. And the Innocence still lives and knows not what the Corruption is, and fears its aggression. And the Corruption knows what it is and what the Innocence is and either blames it or feels ashamed of itself for being unworthy of it, and so attempts to hurts the innocence in others, or itself, of further hurts its shadowed self.

And I guess it must stop somewhere. All rivers come to an end in the sea. The two must meet again. The Innocence must know Hurt, but more importantly for us, right now, the hurt must remember Innocence. I don't know what that entails or what will result but I guess this is evident enough that it must be done somehow. Some way.
If I could reach out and give you all a hug, and give you back your innocence. If I could take away the hurts and make you whole again, I would. If I could make sure you never feel doubt, or fear, or like you yourself are not worthy of feeling, expressing, experimenting, and getting it all wrong, I would. If I could make you feel safe and supported, and loved, like you belong the community you live in, like you belong the household and family you live with, like you’re not alone, I would.
But like you, I am hurt, and I guess it is time for the blind to lead the blind, and stop pretending that my hurt somehow makes /me/ less than and unable to help others. None of us need to be perfect, we just need to be sincere, honest… innocent. We just need to give each other a hug, let go of the things we hold against others, stop expecting them to be something they’re not… stop expecting them to be something *you’re* not and never */could/* be.
We’re all perfectly imperfect, and I don’t think I’ve ever looked at someone and felt a deep abiding love for them because I saw them as perfect. I do it cause they’re great. They make me smile, make me laugh, make me feel something in my chest, in my heart. And that’s enough, isn’t it? Surely.
I don’t know anymore. I want you all to be okay. I want everyone to live and be, and be happy. I don’t think it’s impossible. I’ve tried that…giving up… it only makes me worse, only piles everything on top of me. I’ve found recently that *Hope* is the /beginning/ of change. And when I took hope away from myself, locked it away deep within the shadow of me to…I guess punish myself for what I thought were my failings… It only got dark. *Real* dark. */Scary/* dark.
And I know…maybe… for many of you… it feels that dark? That the light is out, the hope is gone… and we’re not going to make it through. *F**k* how deeply I feel that

13/03/2025

It seems I have been mistaken. Following people I admire, simply because I admire them. Refusing in ways to question what they're saying, or admit that I am not yet like them. It's an easy thing to do, I guess, when you lose yourself, when you're seeking answers, trying to discover who and what you are, and where your place is in the world. We all default to the most confident voice. We put trust in someone else cause it spares us the agony of having to trust ourselves for a change.

A part of me wants to reject it all. Indeed, that part of me has, and the ways of spiritual nonsense no longer have a home inside of me. And I know that maybe odd to many of you who know me, and my journey over the years, so it bears mentioning that I also reject scientific nonsense, historical nonsense, political nonsense, medical nonsense, educational nonsense... there are sooooo many things I disagree with in this world. One of the things I most disagree with is that my identity has become that of a 'spiritual' person. In all honesty I’ve never liked the label, and never felt it define me. But people are simple creatures, and like labels that are familiar and understandable, so I let it slide...let it become people's definition of me. But the problem with others definitions of you is that they decide what that means, not you.

Like the many times I’d be asked, if I’m so spiritual, why am I not vegan? Like the two naturally go hand in hand, like there isn't nuance to the world. Like it's not possible for an animal to live a happy and healthy life, and be food as well. Like we can't use byproducts that animals won't use for ourselves. Like we can't make choices about how and when we do eat certain foods and when we don't. I'm not that simple, many days of course I rail against the cruelty don’t to animals in the name of consumption. But because we're doing it wrong now, doesn't mean that is has always been wrong, and it doesn't mean that there's no way in which it could work, ethically and fairly. It's funny how often the spiritual and vegan meet, yet in the depth of spiritual talk the whole world is alive and feeling... and yet no one rejects eating the plants. Of course, if you dive into the right literature, you'll find it doesn't matter, the plants are 'okay' with it. They're made to be eaten; nature wants them to be that way. But I know life, and I know awareness. And if anything in this world has awareness, it has choice. It may be a small thing, it's intelligence not yet grown, it may not know what that choice is, but it has one. And then deeper still, the spiritualist and vegans will happily adorn themselves with crystals and rocks they find. They will allow machinery to blast and dig and wrench the earth apart so they can have a crystal that was once used in a long-lost ancient city, or that can provide a better night’s sleep, or help them find love or wealth.

It's hypocritical. Either the whole world is alive and precious, or it isn't. Our definitions define our actions. For many can see how alive an animal is, for its eyes and movements and noises give it away. But a plant? No, a plant can't be *that* alive, can it? Oh and certainly not the rocks. But yet, we do worship Mother Earth, a spirit who lives in all things on this planet, breathes live and experience into them.

But then what happens if you respect that? I tell you what happens, you start feel guilty walking on the grass. You start feeling like you're crushing its face with your feet. You become trapped, paralysed. Unable to move. I know, cause it happened to me.

And in a moment I had to understand, you can't live like this. It's not about accepting things as absolute, and it's not about defining them by our own terms. It's about coming to know better, and learning better. So that one can stand on the grass, and accept the life beneath your feet, listen to it, hear it, and feel it... and recognise its enjoyment of living, what it can and can't take. And one can look to the animal and see its life, and respect that life, but know when it is time, that animal can be used as food, if respected in life, may it be treated so in death. The we can wear crystals, many find their way to the surface naturally, many line beaches across the world. But we need not destroy the earth to find them.

It's about appreciating nuance, so that when we come to see the world as a spiritual place, we don't disregard the rest of it. We don't elevate spiritual to mean better, we say spiritual to mean connected. I'm still an addict. I'm still angry. I still enjoy types of violence. I still eat meat. I still crave s*x. And being spiritual is to bring myself and the whole world into alignment with *what we are*, not inventing something we are not and then trying to be that.

No label ever fits me, it never has. I don't even like my own name most days. Jo-nny.. Jo-na-than.... it sounds wrong in my mouth. Because all labels are static, they are by definition, defined, limited, stuck. I am not stuck. I am growing, and learning. And in me there are contradictions and conflicts I am still hashing out.

But I know that my beliefs are intricate, as are yours, and ultimately the answer becomes. 'it depends?' - what perspective are we looking from? what limits are we putting in place? what is the context for the question?

There's no definitive way to live, no right or wrong answer about whether we should be vegan or not, spiritual or not, worship this way or that way, whether the world is living or not, and how we might live in it, if it is/was. These are all things we get to discover, and navigate, or of course, ignore completely.

But whether it's the confusion of spiritual communities trying to find their place in a world they've grown up feeling rejected by, or the dogma of scientific advancement that ignores the song in its own soul to declare the universe is dead and unfeeling, whether it's the narrative of a 'Great' British Empire that once spanned the globe doing good, or the religious belief that if you do wrong in life you will be punished in death... To all of it I say, 'I don’t think so.'

And yet, I do have a spiritual way to my life, many of us who have been gathered under that label both think similarly, and very differently at the same time. I do love science for what it tells us about our physical nature, for the way it understands quantities, but I’ll never accept yet that it has done anything with the world of qualities, our world, the world of consciousness. Nor will I accept that just because someone is a scientist, they're somehow smarter than me, or know more, just like I’ll never accept that because someone is a priest or a guru, or a saint that they somehow know God better than I, or any of us do. Nor does it mean I have no intention to understand how the Empire created in a way the modern world, but I want to know the truth of it, that it wasn't all good, and like so much of our history, there is a real story to be told, but the narrative has been distorted by those who wish their failings to be forgotten. And whilst I reject all religion and religious dogma out right, I often feel I'd enjoy sitting in the quiet of a church, or step out into nature and pray. I was raised among Christianity and attended two Church of England schools, and those stories touched me, taught me, awakened me in ways... but still, I do not belong to Christianity, any more than my depth of reflection makes me a Buddhist.

We see too myopically, we narrow our view to focus only on what we want to see and declare it as truth. We become so entwined with our labels that we identify ourselves by them, and when someone rejects a label, discipline, or belief we are attached to, we get offended, we feel ourselves have been hurt. It's such a strange phenomenon, to define yourself by your beliefs. Because in rejecting that belief, you feel you have to reject all of it. But the nature of learning is to uncover the truth and carry it with you, even if you find that truth amongst the dross, it is still truth. So for all the faults of Christianity, Jesus taught us to Love, and I believe that, that we should Love. For all the blindness of science to the very real subject in each of us, it has given us a wonderful description of the physical world and bore fruit in technologies that serve us, even if they currently enslave us too...

No thing is all black and all white. It is full of colour and nuance. And so am I. And so are you. But I’m certain of mine. I'm alight. And that's why I struggle to navigate life so much... I have much to offer the world, but under what banner to offer it? Under what label does it fit? None that I know, save the label of Human Being... but even then...

I'm ready to stretch myself out, and become my own person, to let my definitions be loose and fluid and ready and ripe to change. I started this morning, watching a wonderful clip of my favourite philosopher, and finally, for the first time in a long time, deciding to disagree with him. As much as I love who he is and all that he says, I am not that. And though I see the answer's he desired us to find, I also see that it is not so easy a road.

I've been harsh to you. All of you who have come to me for help. I have had too many expectations in my Heart of who you should be, and how you should move forward. The days of Reiki saved me in that, for in Reiki we are taught to do little, to remove ourselves from the process, so that energy may do what it needs to. But even in that I failed, often feeling the energy wasn't strong enough, connecting deep enough, and urging it and pushing it to change...

When really, I should have listened. Should have known that none of you need spiritual guidance. Or God. Not really. We need each other. You need a hug, and an ear to listen. A mind that understands and a heart that loves you anyway. In each of these things you needed nothing outside of yourself, just one other person in the world to say, 'this is real, I feel it too. You’re not alone. I don’t know the way, but we can get lost together.'

That's the real secret. I hate to admit it, but it is. 15 years of my life chasing God. And s**t, I’ll sit here and declare I found God, on more than one occasion. Until God bled into my life. And now I live as if there is little boundary between inner and outer worlds. Everything is fluid now. God is a light in all things. What that means or where we're going, I do not know. That's the grand secret, the mystery. You spend years of your life searching, and elevating and raising your vibration. You reach a pinnacle you thought was unreachable, and then just as you think yourself glorious among the mountain top, God sends you right back to Earth again and tells you to stop daydreaming.

Because what use is one who cares so much if they have left the world behind? If they see all below and beneath them as illusion and story? What use are they if they come to know God's infinite embrace and says, 'ahh it’s okay, God will find a way.'

God says, "Yeah, I have found a way..." and then looks at you with a mischievous grin..."Oh no," you say, please anything but that.
"Why do you think I urged you to climb this high? If not to return to the world and be MY WAY."

We learn to escape. And in escape we learned we shouldn't. We can. Oh we can, of course. But it's not right of us to do so. It is a shell we wrap ourselves in, claim ourselves as the pinnacle and gather follows into our midst to reinforce our mask.

But if we see the truth of it, that we were never here to escape. Then we can come back into the story, emboldened by a world that lives just outside of our sight, but now welcomes its currents and flows into our heart. We can feel, but cannot see. We can sense, but cannot know.

And so we live in the world again, trying to navigate. Trying to use those methods and words and teachings that took us up to the Most High, and try to spread them around and live by them and advise others with them.

Missing the most important lesson. God chose *You.*

God chose for you to return, with your thoughts and your feelings and your perspectives. To show them to the world. Not even to show them. For you to go be you in the world. Go discover what that might mean.

And at some point, on the journey, (this point on the journey), it becomes necessary to reject all that came before you. For you know it now to be a coating of fear. A shell and armour of clever words and accepted beliefs that allow you to feel confidence in your path and your journey. But it was never you. It was gathered from others. And whilst you agree with some of it, none of us agree with all of it. Even those of us who write it out, always look back knowing we missed something. Knowing there is contradiction in our writing, conflict in our words. There's no such thing as Truth. Absolute, solid, crystallised. If such a thing as Truth exists, it is not in words. And yet, the truth is, it is in words too.

Such is the nature of Divinity. It is not this or that. It is this. That. and every state in between. And things yet outside of that. And things yet unfathomed.

We build a wall around us, to hold back this knowing. We dare not look into the infinite, for we know it consume us. But I think, if we do let the infinite consume us, we may fall into it and realise, that maybe, just maybe, we have fallen into ourselves for the first time.

Why do you hide? I feel this question sometimes, why do any of us hide? I feel us to be so much bigger than we let ourselves be. But we hide behind masks, we live inside a cocoon, trying to divide ourselves from the infinite. I know that a few of the people in my life have been awakened to their true self through me, and I know they are grateful for the experience, but at least one of them admitted to me she didn't want it. Didn't want to know herself like that yet, she wasn't ready. And that was both maybe the bravest thing I'd heard anyone say, to admit when you cannot be your truest self, and the most humbling thing I had ever heard. Because of course... why should someone have to wake up, peel back the armour and look out into their infinite selves. We have that choice; it is our right to make it. And who am I to think that's the solution for others? Just because it worked for me?

I do not remember how I replied. But I hope I leaned in and hugged her, and told her that it was okay, that I understood her choices, that she didn't need to be more than she was to be deserving of love and happiness and goodness. That she was allowed to enjoy the life *she* wanted to lead.

For I think that's easy to do too. In finding what works for us, and in wanting to remedy the hurts in others, we use our labels to try and transform others. I mean ffs I’m doing it now in the relationship I’m currently in. Days when I see her sadness, and I want to change it. And I meet her with methods and philosophies more often than I do with a hug and a cup of tea.

And that's what I reject. That's why I reject it. Not just spiritual nonsense, but all nonsense of any kind from every discipline and subject.

We are not complicated creatures ffs. We are simple. We were never loved. Never accepted. Everything had a condition. A transaction. And f**k me we are not commodities. We were kids, learning and growing and no one around us had a f**king clue. And we grow up and don't have one either. But by Jove, it's so f**king obvious now. Why are we so dense that we must find every clever avenue and coping mechanism, before we settle down and just start being honest with one another?

We are all lost. Scattered. Broken apart. Our philosophies won't save us. Our rituals won't save us. Our prayers won't save us. Our money won't save us.

What you want. What I want. What we all want is someone stood beside us, who understands us, and feels hopeful that we'll find a way out together.

Damn your pride and your cleverness. None of us need to do this on our own. Indeed, I think life is set up in a way that proves we *cannot* do this on our own. Because to come together, is what we all need. We are not that different. Not by a long shot. I know it feels that way. I fear you all too, for how you might judge me if I’m honest, hate me if I’m different, stop loving me if I’m not serving you... But at the same time... those feelings that I can sense, but never truly know... remind me at times, as if I can hear them whisper...'everyone is like you Jonny...' and in those moments I feel rather silly for judging myself, for being afraid of others. Cause I can see it. We are all the same, really, aren't we?

And if we can connect in that sameness. Whether it is our fears and worries, our joys and hopes, our entertainments, our favourite foods... if we can find that moment of connection, a doorway opens between us, and all the other good stuff like love, and happiness, loyalty and companionship come flooding in too.

But so long as we hold back, and judge others as different, assuming no such connection exists, we'll only be left with doubt, and fear, and worry and suspicion. The good stuff exists in the space, so we need to open up and let it flow, or it'll never come out into the world.

And we hold it back by our beliefs, ideas... our nonsense. And so I finally come to why I wrote this post... even I don't know where these will go sometimes, and often don't give it enough time. But here and now, I once again reject my nonsense, spiritual, scientific, human, or otherwise... I reject it for it stands in the way of me and you. And I have tried, and sought to help. And in all I’ve done I have worn a mask, a facade. I have tried to help by not really being me. And in the ways I have helped, I'll be forever grateful. But I know I can do more, offer more. And I can only do that if I’m all of me. Messy, contradictory, confused, and often wrong. Because then, in that, me and you are the same. And we can connect someday, someway, somehow. In that possibility there is hope. And that hope can sustain this world for me, for now, at least.

So there it is, and here I am. I hope to meet you all as my honest self from now on. Not as some sculpted self that I create so that you love me, approve of me, or will do some sort of business with me. It's just me now, being me, whatever that means.

Until next time.

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