19/05/2019
One of the most sensible and inspiring parenting books I have ever read. It comprises MOST of my parenting skills.
Why I do what I do says Elaine Halligan
I never imagined in my wildest dreams that becoming a mother was going to be such a hard work and I have to confess that I have not always enjoyed my time as a parent. I have found being a mum exhausting, bewildering, confusing, messy and complicated
I frequently felt overwhelm and guilty when I got things wrong and sad when my children would not listen to me.
For the past fifteen years, my family and I have been riding a rollercoaster. Not the fast, fun, three-minute ride you can walk away from afterwards, but the emotional kind. You know the one. The kind that rattles you around and strips you raw, that elates you and thrills you, overwhelms and terrifies you. We have lived it all: from utter despair and hopelessness to profound joy and the greatest celebrations of life.
I bought into the parenting myth that if my son didn’t listen to me, I needed to
repeat instructions,
nag,
remind,
bribe,
cajole ,
punish and
threaten.
It took me a long time to realise that a large part of my son’s behaviour was due to his in born temperament and that I had an orchid child who needed a careful greenhouse type nurturing. We struggled to know how to deal with him and by the time he was seven…………………..
Sam had been excluded from three schools and was burdened with a plethora of diagnostic abbreviations that led to him becoming known as the Alphabet Kid.
He was incredibly impulsive and had little self-control. As a family, we spent many years in crisis. Sam began to feel very different and inadequate, and we began to think his future was in a young offenders’ institution. We knew he was a good and capable boy with a strong moral compass, but it took us many years to really understand his needs and temperament and to realise that his difficulties were varied and complex.
Society expects children, and adults, to conform. We are quick to judge those who present differently, and if our children behave inappropriately we often believe this behaviour is a reflection on our parenting, and that any criticism is directed at us.
The transformation happened when I started to retrain as a behavioural and parenting specialist and learnt about psychology and children.
I started to realise that parents play a vital role in unlocking their children’s potential and no matter what needs your child has, with the right positive parenting input, understanding and compassion, there is hope in the face of adversity.
Our young Sam was like a rock covered in mud and over time as we gained new skills and better resources, we were able to work at this stone carefully whittling through his difficulties, fears and stresses , until we lifted every layer that had been obscuring him.
When we understood our son was not BEING a problem but HAVING a problem, that led us to discover a brilliant sparkling diamond-a young man who has kindness, resilience, a clarity of vision, as well as inner strength and confidence that belied his past experience
Imagine his immense pride when after having been written off in society, he finally finished his schooling as Head Boy. Here was the diamond for everyone to see.
I use these skills now to help parents of all childre, whether they be challenging, difficult, different or not, to
• raise confident and happy kids
• have a happier and easier home life
• unlock their child’s potential and maximise their strengths
• find the holy grail of parenting - the ability to stay calm!
Don’t we all want to bring out the best in our children?
Don’t we all want to know how not to screw them up?
This is why I do what I do.
There is no better gift than helping our future generation lead happy and healthy lives
