11/04/2025
It's 7:30PM, and as usual, I know most of you are assuming I'm in nyua ciothe bar irrigating my throat. Well, you're not wrong. I'm seated at my favorite corner, strategically facing both the counter and the main entrance. That way, I can monitor who’s coming in and also enjoy watching the curvaceous waitresses irrigate my fellow irrigators. We call this proper farm surveillance.
Today though, I won’t stay for long. Winnie is off duty. In her place, they've brought Wairimu ,a black beauty with a waistline that bends like River Nyamindi and that has contours . But me, I like it the other way round. I like Winnie.
Anyway, what has annoyed me is this village friend who just joined my table and started asking me, “Kwani where did Flavor go?”
For those who don't know, Flavor is that curvaceous brown girl I gave a lift to my farm one day. From that day, we merged like drip pipes and became close. She used to spend a few days at my grass-thatched, round house, where I only allow visitors without full background checks.
But I left her. Why? She used to cook rice, chapatis, and peas light food! My body was suffering. Me, I like Poshomill No.9 maize flour ugali. That one that sticks to the sufuria like it has trust issues.
See, there’s a reason why lorries use diesel and not petrol. Strong body needs strong food.
Same way in farming: You can’t feed bulb onions with excessive nitrogen and expect bulbs.
Some people go around applying urea thinking it's magic powder ,then they come complaining “hakuna bulbs.” Bulb onions need balanced nutrition. Too much nitrogen = all leaves, no bulbs. Same as dating a girl who only knows how to cook spaghetti no bones, no broth, no strength.
That’s why I love Winnie and Chief’s daughter. They cook what I need. They even prepare supu ya mifupa with herbs. Broth has calcium, and calcium strengthens bones. Just like onions need calcium ,we also need calcium to avoid shaking like a bean pole when we cough.
Balanced diet is not just for humans. It’s for crops too.
So farmers, take note: Understand your crop's needs. Just like me, I don’t just marry anyone ,I wait until I have enough “grass,” then I’ll marry both Winnie and Chief’s daughter. Farming is patience!
Eeee… Gitonga is here! He’s walking in a suspicious manner ,one step forward and 1 and a half backward.
Let me catch up with him. I’ll be back in a moment. If I delay, just know the irrigation levels increased.
