Marriage Coaching for You, with Malka Neustadter

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Marriage Coaching for You, with Malka Neustadter

Marriage coaching for individuals, that takes you from overwhelmed to calm and confident. Message me

17/09/2024

Looking for skills to make your marriage and parenting life better?Welcome!

1. Scroll through and enjoy the content here

2. Find newer posts on substack and instagram (different but related content on each)

3. Reach me via direct message on facebook / instagram, or on linkedin

It's not too late for you to reclaim love, joy and peace in family life.

It matters, deeply, for you, your family and the world.

I'm here to support you each step of the way,

--Malka

15/09/2022

When the sea of life gets choppy, we can learn to surf the waves instead of being dragged down. We don't get to decide if there will be waves, or how high they'll be.

You believe your husband's behavior is what needs to change so your marriage can improve. You've tried getting him to understand; it hasn't helped. Try something different.

Surfers regularly get knocked off the board, then swim and get up again; the sense of freedom and exhiliaration that comes with riding a wave is worth the effort to them.

Your husband is like the sea: subject to forces you cannot control. But you can discover your freedom, your balance, your strength with whatever comes your way.

What's in it for you? The chance to deepen and sustain the relationship with the partner you chose.

Criticizing, correcting, no matter how "nicely" it's done, is not going to get you the relationship you want.

What's more, our need for someone else to change reflects a fear or insecurity of our own. So let's start there. With our feelings, our thoughts, and the changes we can make.

If this makes sense to you please drop a thumbs up in the comments. Or a thumbs down. I'd love to know your opinion!

11/09/2022

Your marriage can be beautiful. Maybe it once was and somehow you got off track. Maybe it never really was but you still wish it could be?

What are you going to do about it? Maybe that question feels outrageous; you've already done so much. What about him? Well, what about him? I don't know. If he was here I would ask him. But he's not, and you are. And you want things to be different. They can be. We can do it together. Message me and let's chat.

07/09/2022

The same thing happened to me over and over again when we had a bunch of little kids at home: they would misbehave - I would get upset. It didn't help, but there didn't seem to be any other way.

I felt like a cartoon character who sees a hole ahead and still falls in, head first. I was desperate for some way to break the cycle.

I learned that what kept me stuck were thoughts:

* If I stop, I'm letting them get away with it.
* If I don't "do something" they'll think it's OK.
* If I can't fix this, now, they win and I lose.

I learned that if I tell myself a different story, I feel less pressure, think more clearly, behave better!

* Too bad they're misbehaving, they'll grow up
* I want be proud of how I behave even when things go badly
* It takes time to grow up, next time will be better
* Life is precious, I want to find a way to enjoy, or at least calmly accept, this moment, as it is

Works with spouses, too. How I feel about him is going to depend largely on how I interpret his behavior. Say we agreed to meet at a certain time and he's late. Does it mean he's not trying hard enough? That he doesn't care? That I'm right and he's wrong?

Maybe he struggles to balance between his work, which supports our family, and wanting to meet me on time? Don't I also struggle with conflicts like that? Can I offer him, and me, some grace?

It's in my own best interest! When I think graciously, generously, then when he does show up, I'll be happy to see him and we'll have a nice time together.

Our feelings don't come from external reality they come from our thoughts, which are ours to change. Change your mind, change your marriage. It really works.

Follow for more practical, empowering ways to live better with your partner.

06/09/2022

August may have ended but it's still an intense time of year. I get how much you have going on in your life and that none of it is easy on your marriage. Get some relief.

I offer a safe space where you can put your heavy stuff down, with no judgement, no criticism. You can say it all here, and be truly heard and supported. Just that experience can go such a long way to improving the energy in your marriage.

Call me, let's chat. Special offers until Rosh Hashana.

04/09/2022

I'm always inviting you to ask me questions, message me, and sometime you do!

Here's a Q & A I hope will give you food for thought in your own marriage, and please keep those questions coming, Malka

30/08/2022

Anger is a big problem for many of us. When we're angry with our partner it can be especially painful. Here are some practical things you can try to ease yourself out of feeling angry:

BREATHE
Any breathing exercise will work! The point is to focus your attention on the in breath, the out breath. Even 3 slow deep breaths will help.

My personal favorite: blow bubbles. It focuses my breath and I just have to smile at the delicate floaty shiny colorful things.

MOVE to a different place
Get away from 'the scene of the crime' for a few minutes. Focus on the different physical surroundings; this will give your mind a break.

Use your BODY to calm your mind
Run, walk, do yoga, knead dough. Anything which engages your body can help the angry energy dissipate.

If you can get outside to some place with trees that's extra helpful.

WRITE
Your notebook or journal can absorb feelings, swearing, criticism and judgement and won't be hurt. That's a safe place to let everything out.

If after you vent you can also try to reflect on what you wrote, that's awesome.

HELP
We're all in this world together. Looking outside myself and seeing other people's needs, and serving them even for a short moment, can help us regain perspective.

All of these are not intended to dismiss whatever I was angry about but to calm and clear my mind so I can think effectively about myself and my life.

23/08/2022

It's natural for us to expect our partners to change when something they did made us feel bad. The problem is that it leaves us stuck.

If he chooses not to fix it, apologize, or change in whatever way I wanted, I'm left feeling angry, sad, lonely and with no way out.

There is an alternative: to separate my response from his behavior. To tell myself the story in a new without words like "because". Just “he did this, I felt that”. Creating this space between his behavior and my response is the first step.

It can be hard to move away from blaming him for how I feel. Without being aware of it, we use our sadness, our anger, our hurt, to try to get our partners to change. "See how bad you made me feel? So don't do that any more!"

But that's not the best way to go about things. Like with criticism, using our feelings as a tool (or even a weapon) is most likely to drive our partner into feeling defensive, or even vindictive.

What we can do better is to make the changes which are entirely up to us. In order to do that, it helps to get curious about how we respond, understand ourselves better and then envision new ways of showing up in my marriage. To become the partner I want to have.

Dream big, start small. Where will you start?

21/08/2022

Remember what it was like to be together before you were married, or before you had kids?

Can you list, in your mind or on paper, specific things you love, respect and admire about your partner?

It could be that those things have gone, I don't know. But it's very likely that they are still there, only you have been distracted from seeing them anymore.

Create a quiet time, even a very short one, in which you can really think about specific things you love in your partner. Envision them, list them. Add one new thing to the list every day. Or as many times a week as you can.

Once you have brought yourself to be aware of what the qualities or behaviors are, look for them in every day life with your partner. As the saying goes, 'where focus goes, energy flows'. Paying attention to the good infuses your marriage with some beautiful new energy.

Questions about how to start? How to keep going? Drop your questions by DM I'm here to help, Malka

17/08/2022

What's wrong with criticizing your partner? After all, you want him to change the way he behaves, so you have to show him what he's doing wrong. Otherwise how will he fix it, right?

The problem is that it's not working. If it did you wouldn't be reading about it. You'd just say it and all would be well. When's the last time that happened?

How is it that, even though criticizing doesn't get us what we want, we just don't stop? It's because we tell ourselves a story that we *have* to make it work. We can't stop, that would be "giving up" on what we "need" or "deserve" and maybe even "letting him" "get away with it". There's a lot to unpack there.

The bottom line is that if it's not getting the result you want, stop it. Just stop. I know it's hard for all the reasons above and then some more. But by creating a space between how he behaves and how you respond, you are creating a meaningful change in your relationship. Whatever happens in that new space you create is likely better than the same old same old.

Take it as an experiment for one week. Use a journal to record the situations in which you wanted to criticize but didn't, and what happened next. If it feels just impossible, that's OK too. Write down how you felt, what you were thinking about what you would lose if you didn't say the critical thing.

I'm here to answer any questions and help you along. Looking forward to hearing how this goes for you, Malka

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הגעת למקום הנכון

כמה טוב שבאת! את רוצה את הכי טוב לילדים שלך, וגם לעצמך, אבל משום מה, לא תמיד זה נראה כך במציאות.

כאן בדף שלי ”הורים בראש“ אשמח לחלוק איתך את הידע שלי על דינמיקה בין הורים וילדים, על מה שמפריע לקשר להיות כמו שאת רוצה, ואיך תובילי את היחסים עם הילדים למסלול שטוב ונעים לכולכם,

שמי מלכה, אני מנחת הורים, אמא ל-6 ואיתי תוכלי לבנות את הקשר שאת רוצה עם הילדים שלך.

אני מאמינה:

שלהיות הורה יכול להיות מהנה, ובטח שלא אמור להיות סבל!

שילד בא לעולם כדי ללמוד, לגדול ,לתרום ולהיות חלק מהשפחה ומהבית זה לטובתו, וזה מה שהוא רוצה באמת, גם אם לפעמים נראה לנו שלא.

שלמרות מה שנראה לנו לפעמים-- שזה אנחנו או הם -- אנחנו באמת באותו צד!

שבעיות בקשר עם הילדים הם טנגו: צריך 2. כשאני משנה אצלי, אני משנה את הקשר.

שאין כללים: מה שלא עובד, מותר להפסיק, ומותר לנסות דרכים חדשות. ככה נחזיר לעצמנו את השפיות

אמהות שהשתתפו בהרצאה או בסדנה איתי גילו לא רק שהן בעצמן אמהות טובות, אלא גם שיש להם ילדים מדהימים!

נכון שגם את רוצה? הישארי איתי, אשמח לעזור לך, מלכה