Your Safe Space

27/02/2024

Not possible!
Do not lie!
You would have misunderstood!
You could have denied!
X is a family; X is our friend; saying out aloud will create cracks difficult to mend!
Good girls do not talk like that;
Did you do something to attract?
Take it, bear it; for we have nowhere to go
Or bury it inside, the scars we have are not to be shown!
Once I told to a person I thought she cared;
All I was told is- you know how helpless I am!
Why are you blowing it up, for god’s sake?
It can be just a mistake; you are talking as if it is a bloody r**e!
Nobody will trust you! NO one will believe you!
DO YOU THINK NO ONE WILL POINT A FINGER AT YOU!!
If you are intelligent enough, you would know what I am talking about.
Let me share some stories; for there is this hot molten lava inside me waiting to burst out

• When I was a kid, they told me strangers are scary and do not trust them
But I have also felt unsafe staying amongst the known men!
Puberty hit and something within changed; I carried a scarf while on a bus or a train
While walking on the roads I crossed my hands! For safety I was always accompanied by a friend.

• I lay awake in disbelief; for he was my safest place
Or was I living with a demon who had disguised his face!
My trust was shattered and my body was shaken
The high-spirited girl that I once was is now broken

• The alarm bell in my brain messes up life
I freeze in the moments of intimacy and my partner does not understand why!
Often, I feel to offload my burden and cry;
Because I am scarred by someone I am supposed to hide!

• And in those moments my body learnt to dissociate from my mind
It will be soon over, let me hallucinate for a while
Those moments have taught me how to handle my pain
It never happened to me is the statement I maintain

• Cold, angry, frigid, uptight are the adjectives I have earned;
I am no longer a person capable of love, care, and warmth!
To stay away from the predators; I have made a bubble of my own
All these years I have operated from the survival zone!

• Someone told me-do you know what is the price I pay
Something dies inside me every time I have a social obligation to make
The woman inside me is torn into two parts;
Whether to report the bloody scoundrel or have a forgiving heart!

• I doubted if I was good enough for the person I loved, for I was treated like a do*****ag by some
I felt dirty, filthy, and disgusted, I felt that I was no good,
My predator always told me that no one can love me, the way he could

• I got into wrong relationships and repeatedly fell in traps
Things which make me feel okay, would not be normal to you.
Love, commitment and emotional attachments exists in fairy tales!
Nothing feels safe and real to the people who have been r**ed!

• It is known that when the lust takes over, one loses common sense
The hands that were meant to cradle me, did some gruesome offence!
The hungry goldfish eats their own babies is something everyone knows;
It is practiced by some humans too, some records have shown

• And if you think that sexual abuse is the woo of the millennials and old times were fun and safe,
I recently met a lady in her sixties who was told revealing can bring disgrace!
Because once you get married, it is not a r**e!
She wanted to put down the mask of a loving wife; for the burning anger could not be withhold;
Waiting to go to the court of the gods where justice would be done

And if at all you have continued reading till now, I believe I have struck some chords
I trust you now to respond empathetically, if you are the person to whom such ordeal is told!

Thank you for reading!
This week I tried watching this movie ‘Bhakshak’ thrice and I just was not able to! In my therapy sessions, I come across so many people who are still living in the trauma of the sexual abuse done before years. I am used to this part of life and so it was surprising why I couldn’t. This morning, I got a call from a teenager who wanted to report molestation done by someone close, I knew I had to write about this. And this gave me peace.
Because treachery done by the people whom you are taught to love and trust does devastation beyond repairs

Its not only women and girls; men and boys are also prone to get molested and abuse. Its just that we have raised men who do not talk, do not share and rarely express!

01/07/2023

And so, we all have those days, right!
Days, when we are emotionally charged and all we want to do is shout, scream and just burst out.
So well, today was one of those days where I was experiencing tsunami of emotions!
But today I wanted to take control. I just closed my room and instead of crying, I chose to do something different. I cleared out the space for me to sit, asked Alexa to play Indian flute which I find very calming, pulled out my canvas book, my acrylics, some deep breaths and began painting. I was so keen to doing it that I did not even waste a second to find my painting palate and used a plastic bag instead!
I had nothing in my mind or a plan what I want to draw. I just calmed myself with deep breathing and followed my intuition. I picked up colours I related to. I initially chose red, orange and associated them with my anger and frustration. Painting and acknowledging my emotions helped me process them. And towards the later part I chose blue and green which I associated with peace and growth. Once I was able to process my anger, I was able to see the other things too which gave me a perspective.
I was completely non-judgemental about the painting, the colours, shapes, and forms. I had left an empty space and when I asked myself what do I feel in the present, I visualized a flower which indicated peace.
So, there are times when we all experience negative emotions and we become too reactive. This activity did not solve my problem but it helped me understand and process my emotions. And now instead of being reacting which would have negative repercussions, I choose to respond to the situation I was in. I am in a better state to talk out my problems and find a solution.
And it is so important to respond rather than react!
Reactions spoils our relationship while responding helps us communicate and repair our relationships.
And one important thing that I would want to share. It ok to have emotions like anger, guilt, shame. Important it is to acknowledge them, accept them, process them, and learn the art of emotional regulation!

23/06/2023

23/06/2023

let us understand depression

23/06/2023

Let us understand Depression