Super families with sue

17/08/2023

*** Authoritative

17/08/2023

*** Authority first
.......................long post alert

Many parents struggle while dealing with their teenagers and especially when trying to instil discipline. The teenager can decide to defy your orders and you are left wondering what to do next. It is increasingly becoming common to see a parent taking their teenager to the police or to the chief for "discipline." This is exacerbated by the fact that many of the parents especially here in Africa only relied on caning to discipline their children when they were young. Now the once little "angels" have grown up into these whole humans who are taller and larger than you, and you are well aware that should you as much as try to hit them with a rod, they may choose to descend on you with the fury of a hornet, and the rest would be history!

Two quick questions beg to be answered;
1. Are you a real authority in your child's life?
2. Do you have a love relationship that is worth saving.

It's important to instill yourself as an authority in your child's life from an early age. As the saying goes, bend a tree while it's still young, if it is old it will break.
Those who grew up in my generation and before experienced the challenge of being raised up by authoritarian parents - parents who were overly strict and harsh. From our experiences in schools today, that parenting style changed and swung to the other extreme where most parents today are permissive and overly pumper their children. The consequence of which are many teenagers with self destructive behaviour.

Realise that you can be a good parent but with a bad parenting style. If you think that loving your child is being permissive and never letting your child to suffer the consequences of their bad actions, then sooner than later you will lose that child. As soon as your "adorable, cute, little angel" finds their feet at around age one year old, and begin to go out to explore their world, one of the people they need to meet is you, not just you as a loving and caring parent, but also you as an authority - complete with boundaries and penalties.
Children need to grow up knowing that thought must precede action, that actions have got consequences and that breaking the law attracts punishment. Where I come from there is a saying that says, "if it loves it too much, it will die". This is in reference to a mother cow, if it leaks it's calf too much after birth supposedly because of loving it, the calf dies. This is the challenge we're increasingly seeing with many parents of teenagers in our schools. You over pampered your child when they were young and now that they've become teenagers, you're unable to control them and you are there watching them as they "die". This is worsened by the coming in of the children rights movement - not that it is entirely bad, but it has made many children from an early age to have an attitude of entitlement without responsibility. As teachers we are constantly having to step in to help parents deal with their teenagers while at home. Indeed many parents nowadays do not look forward to school holidays.
I'm reminded of an incident that happened sometimes back. A new teacher was posted to our station and before he was officially introduced to the school, one evening one of the colleagues asked him to step in on duty on his behalf. Each student is assigned a place to clean and they normally do it in the evening. On that particular evening, when the new guy tried to go round the school to supervise the duties, many students ignored him, refused to clean and infact defied his orders especially when they noticed that their regular teachers were not around. Some even went to the deputy principal's office to ask "who is that new man who has come and is ordering us around?". The deputy realising what was going on decided to personally supervise the duty and the cleaning was well done.
Three reason why the students obeyed the deputy;
1. he is an authority in their lives
2. they have a relationship -an understanding between themselves,
3. they know the consequences of defying his orders.
Note that initially the students were not just refusing to clean but were clearly rebelling against the new guy because hitherto, they did not know him therefore he was not an authority in their lives. Today, many parents are like that new teacher to their children.

The reason why children do better when they are in school is because in school the kids know their place; their daily routine, the dos and don'ts, and they have a well structured authority above them. Research shows that children are ritualistic - they thrive when they have daily routines, they know exactly what to and what not to do, and they have an authority whom they can even dare if they so wish. Unfortunately in many homes today, children are being left to raise themselves. The parents do not instil healthy boundaries and even if they do, they are not available to supervise them as an authority. The child grows up thinking that they must always have their way and that they can always get away with anything including burning schools - never mind the danger it poses on other students. Later, when the parent notices that their child is becoming wayward and come in to try and salvage the situation, the teenager rebels. The fellow is simply telling you, "you are not an authority in my life - at least I don't know you that way."
The solution is to start early and to be consistent. Many parents erroneously abandon their teenagers in the name of "they are now mature, they know what they want." But most teenagers know that they're not fully mentally mature and that sometimes they can make bad decisions. That is why they crave the presence of an authority in their lives to cushion them against making bad choices. It gives them a sense of security. In fact although they may not show it, teenagers enjoy telling their friends things like "my mum refused" or "my dad said no". They also enjoy sharing how their parents react when they are mad. And of cause if they did something wrong and were punished, you will hear them later sharing with their friends and laughing about it. Sometimes you punish a teenager and then you're left thinking "they'll probably never want to talk to me again". And then the very next moment you see them coming in to just say 'hi.' That is the life of a normal teen.
I remember sometimes back just before the commencement of the KCSE exams, in the station where I was it was decided that the candidate class be "released" to engage in private studies in preparation for the exams. The students were left on their own and the teachers stopped following them up. We immediately started to observe all manner of disruptive behaviour and realised that if the situation continued, the candidates would register one of the highest drops ever in their KCSE. I remember their school captain telling me words which I've not forgotten; "mwalimu, hatukuangi wazuri sana vile unatuona, mukituachilia, hakutakuwa kuzuri kutakuwa kubaya."
The boy was acknowledging what is also written in Proverbs 29:15 - The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Many parents today are absconding the responsibility of raising their children in the name of having to work to fend for them. The consequence of that are teenagers who are a disgrace.
I listened in on a conversation of some teenage girls, two were whining how that their mothers were very strict, how that they could not leave the house without permission and that even if they left, they had to be back in the house by latest 6pm in the evening. There was this girl who was there just listening to the others and not speaking. Finally she spoke up and said "better you at least your mother cares, me my mother doesn't bother with me, she doesn't care what I do, whether I'm there or not." And then she started crying. That was very sad to note and I made a point of later calling that girl to just encourage her on how to cope with that perceived challenge.
Unfortunately these kinds of narratives have become very common.

Point of action
Supposing that you realise you are one of those parents that has not been an authority in the life of your teen and you would want to change that situation, it may be late but not too late.

1. Accept the truth and don't get defensive. You have been using a bad parenting style and it's not working. Ask yourself for forgiveness and forgive yourself. Nobody is born a parent, we all have to learn to be a good one.

2. Be willing to pay the price. Realise it's going to be twice, three or more times harder depending on the personality of your child and because you're starting late. You will need a lot of time to form a strong bond of relationship, and to also supervise. You will also need to be consistent.

3. Analyse your parenting style so far with a view to identify the gaps - ie what you've been doing right and what you've been doing wrong. If need be, you may seek the services of a family therapist for both you and your child.

4. Decide on an appropriate and good parenting style that you're going to be using from now on. Be clear on what exactly will be your role and what will be the role of your child. What new rules do you want to implement in your house and what will be the consequences of breaking them?

5. As a person of faith pray for yourself and your teen that the change you intend to implement will work for good, and that your child will cooperate. Realise that your child has got enemies that rejoice in his destruction.

6. Call a meeting with your teen. Realise that for this to work you will need to work as a team. Start by apologizing to them for the bad parenting style you have been using. Explain to them the damaging results it will eventually have on the life of the teenager and in future on their children. It is very important that you make the teenager to understand the need for change otherwise they will not cooperate. Again here, you can seek the services of a therapist if need be. Discuss the new rules you want to put in place and explain clearly why you think they are important. Explain also your responsibility as a parent. Allow your teen to negotiate within reason. Eg, if you want him asleep by 9pm and he negotiates for 10pm because there's something he'd like to do between 9-10pm, and it makes sense, allow. However, remember we all have the non- negotiables such as respecting your parent, not being rude to them, obeying them etc.
Discuss also the penalties for breaking the rules the best being withdrawal of privileges. Identify the privilege that the teen will have to forfeit as a result of disobedience and for how long.

7. Identify from your circles a parent or parents whom you observe to be using a good parenting style with their child that you would like to emulate and reach out to them for support. Explain to them what you want to do and let them be your support team. You will be very pleasantly surprised that there are many good people out there who are willing to help.

8. Go ahead and implement your plan. Do something with your teen that will signify a fresh start. You can go out together, or simply shake hands or say a prayer.
Psychology teaches that it takes 21 days to change a habit or to make a new habit to be part of your lifestyle. Therefore the first three weeks of your new journey will be the most crucial and the hardest. You will be tempted to give up and go back to your old ways but don't. Be consistent with daily followups on your teen on your agreements. Eventually both of you will get used to it and it will become part of you and easier.

9. Communication is key. Remember that prevention is better than cure, teens are said to have the memory of a warthog - short. Communication is key, you have to keep repeating your expectations over and over again with explanation. Don't wait for issues to escalate, preempt any bad behaviour, don't wait for it to happen.

10. Stick to it and keep evaluating your progress objectively with minor adjustments here and there to see to it that you are headed in the right direction. You may choose to walk closely with your therapist to help you with these or even with a trusted friend. Keep checking on what you could be doing right and what you could be doing wrong.

11. Remember to use more of positive motivation than negative. Teenagers value attention, every time you catch your teen doing the right thing make sure you affirm, praise and appreciate them especially in front of their peers. That reinforces the behaviour that you want to see more than a punishment.

***For the married, you will have to drag your spouse along otherwise you will find yourself building as they demolish. Indeed many teenagers have gotten lost in between parents who are not reading from the same page.

Selah
Sue Simon.

23/12/2022

Godly offsprings

22/10/2022

***%Charitymustbeginathome.
We were in the lab in the evening and after we finished the experiment, a few students - actually four boys remained behind for some consultations. As soon as we were done, I asked them to close the windows and draw the curtains so that the lab can be locked. No sooner had I finished talking than one boy dashed to the door running away so that he wouldn't "work". Which work? - you may be tempted to ask - the work of closing windows and drawing curtains! Of cause I called the boy back and asked why he was doing the disappearing act; bottom line, he did not want to be the one to do the work for others.
Unfortunately this is the kind of attitude we find with most of these teenagers nowadays -young energetic 16, 17, 18 year olds who do not want to move a finger. Occasionally you are pleasantly surprised by a teenager who offers to help take the apparatus back after the experiment, clear the table, etc and you're like 'thank God there's always a remnant!' Of cause those are the ones you note and make leaders. Otherwise most of the time those guys don't want to do nothing; even simple things like moving chairs or tables or arranging the hall, you are forced to use force, let alone washing their classrooms. It's no wonder they have become very physically weak - nowadays they're very easily breaking their limbs during sports. Meanwhile, many are struggling with obesity coz they eat well and then do nothing.
And because I'm also a mother of teenagers, sometimes that is the same attitude I also see at home - 'I don't want to be the one to do the work for others'. It's therefore my noble duty as a godly mother to ensure that there's an attitude transformation.
My boys like to tell me how when they grow up they'll get money and drive big cars. so I keep asking them - "if you don't like working, how on earth will you get rich - in a legal way?"
Small children love helping very much. As soon as a toddler learns to walk, they like joining in what is being done at home - carry utensils, wash utensils, clothes etc. I have pictures of one of my sons when he was three years old, he would climb a stool so as to wash utensils in the kitchen sink.
The question is, what happens later to these kids? I'm sure there could be many factors but of importance is the home environment.
When the kids are young and want to help, you stop them because you don't want them to break your utensils or catch a cold and in any case - that's the work of the house help. And so the kids grow up just like that without doing anything at home. In fact they behave like important guests in a 5 star hotel; entitled to the best care ever. You hear them giving lectures to the housee for not polishing their shoes properly or on time, or for not cooling for them their hot porridge. These kinds of kids have zero responsibilities, their work is to watch cartoons and play on gadgets. Theirs is a soft life full of themselves, they contribute nothing to the wellbeing of the family.
Of surprise is that their parents expect that these same children will later transform into hard working citizens when they grow up - never!
Hard work must start at home, let those guys make use of those muscles.
You can actually pick from the rest a child who is used to working at home. Those kinds of kids like taking initiative to solve problems and they don't struggle with small things like cleaning. They are also more organised and less dependent. They do not constantly ask for help and are more able to give the others good leadership because they lead by example. I remember catching one of my class prefects moping their class because some of those assigned had "disappeared". When these kind of kids finish school and go out there, they become more successful because they have a positive attitude towards work and are less picky when it comes to the jobs that are available.
Sadly we have seen many parents who work hard day and night and God blesses them with a lot of wealth. But they never taught their kids the value of hard work and only gave them a soft life. So when the parents die, within a year or so you hear that the kids have already sunk down the whole estate. Thus the discord in Ecclesiastes 2:17-26 - what is the worth of working so hard.
From the time our kids are small we need to teach them to be contributors to the family wealth and even national wealth and not merely consumers. And it starts with the little things - let them move those muscles.
You wake up in the morning to eat food which you never worked for, use utilities you didn't pay for, sit on the sofa you never bought to watch TV and play on adgets you never bought, the whooo..le day, today, tomorrow, ten years, twenty years, thirty years - so exactly what is your CONTRIBUTION!!??

10/09/2022

Marriage is more about getting into each other's space than giving each other space; the more the space, the more likely you are to drift apart.

12/08/2022

11/08/2022

*""As we wait for IEBC to math the numbers.

Dear parent, has your son or daughter done their school homework; have they finished? Remember they were to go back to school today before the date was pushed to Monday next week. Many times we find kids who report back to school after holidays without even touching their homework, others having not finished. And yet the school breaks give the learner an opportunity to catch up with their studies so that they're not constantly failing.
I have observed in my career as a high school teacher that most parents did not realise when their kids grew up. I mean you just wake up one morning and the once little boy is now a whole tall and handsome young man complete with a girlfriend, and is even now questioning your decisions! Or your little angel has now transformed into a "slay queen" and now there's even a son of Achan(Joshua 7:1-26) who wants to take her out on a date!
I know that as parents, life is hard- harder now, and we're working day and night to try and give our children a better life. The direct consequence of that is that we have no time. In fact most of the time you're too tired and you don't want to be disturbed. And so if you are not careful you will one day be looking at your children and wondering "when did all this happen"?.
The bigger challenge as I see it is with the mindset of many parents. You are there waiting for your child to "grow up"- whatever that means- so that you can teach them some "very important" lessons of life. Unfortunately by the time the fellows hit their teens, they start treating you like the Zinjanthropus and are completely disinterested in what you have to say. In fact, they think that they know more than you do, you're backward and only their teacher can tell them something. At this point if your child is prone to making bad choices, they can really get into trouble and you find yourself fire fighting a lot.
Listen to wisdom;
Eph.5.15 - Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise,
Eph.5.16 - making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Dear parent I beg you by the mercies of our God, become an Intentional parent. We are living in very evil days and our children are exposed to a lot of wickedness. Eg Corruption and Sexual perversion is at it's highest. We must do our part even as we leave the rest to our individual children and God to do their parts.
I understand that you don't have much time, but how about obeying scripture; "making the most of every opportunity" with your children.
From the time your child is two years old, why don't you start teaching them those "very important lessons" that you've been keeping. Why don't you take every opportunity you have with your child to infuse in them good attitudes, values and life skills that will help them do life better. That is what is being an intentional parent. An intentional parent is a parent who has a clear vision of where they're taking their child, and they're willing to take that journey with them.
Now, let's talk about homework.
Most of your child's early life is in school. The way life is, kids are supposed to use the first about twenty five years of their lives acquiring all the knowledge, skills, believes, attitudes, networks, etc that they can get, and then afterwards apply them to ensure they have a successful life.
Are you part of your child's school life? For example, when is the last time you helped your child with their homework, or is it the work of your house help? Nowadays some parents are even just peacefully doing the homework for their children to get off the hook! The big question is, if you keep doing this, what message are you communicating to your child? Once that attitude is entrenched, will you be doing for them their "home work" for the rest of their lives?
As an intentional parent, although sometimes you may need help, you must set apart some days when you will be the one helping your child with their homework to make sure that it's well done. Doing homework with your child is very important in two main ways.

1. Homework gives you an opportunity to interact closely with your child hence you can learn so many things about them eg their personality, their current feelings, who is their friend, who is bullying them, what their teacher said, which teacher "hates" them, their likes and dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, believes, etc Unfortunately in this evil days, many kids are being bullied or abused in school or at home and the parent isn't even aware!

2. It gives you an opportunity to instill in your child values, attitudes and life skills which are important for life.
One reason why many kids have unfinished homework is because they got stuck- they came across a problem that they couldn't handle. You usually find them at the table laying on their books. There in lies an opportunity to teach your child what to do when they're stuck and not just in that assignment but also in the assignments of life. It's a time to teach good values like excellence, hard work, time management, honesty and integrity. For example, we keep complaining about corruption in our country but corruption starts at home. With technology nowadays, only one kid does the homework and then sends to all the others to copy. Then parents are left wondering why kids appear to be more foolish nowadays- but they're not doing their homework!
Right now we have a really big problem of children committing su***de, very sad seeing young lives being lost. It always hurts me when I remember one of my son's classmates who committed su***de when they were in class seven a few years ago, imagine reason being that a girl had rejected him. I don't blame the parents because I know the devil is real. In deed may God grant comfort, peace and strength to all parents going through this kind of a loss.
Teach your kids the need to never give up on life; that it's okay to ask for help when you get stuck; that you don't have to know everything; that if math is not working, you can switch to English as you wait for math to resolve ie to focus on the positive as you work on the negative etc.
This kinds of lessons are very rare yet very important.
And please note dear parent that it's your responsibility to instil in your child the right values, attitudes, character, some skills, etc
My work in school is only to reinforce what you have already taught at home.
Therefore take the earliest opportunity. Selah.

Sue Simon.

08/05/2022

- Part 1

*Long post*

Those who went to school in my generation (1980s) or there about, will attest to the fact that our parents - at least most of them- greatly valued formal education despite many of them not having undergone schooling. They would go to any length to raise our school fees including selling family land and domestic animals. And when you were taken to school you were expected to work hard so that hopefully in future you would be able to remove poverty from your family.
Our parents also believed in serious discipline especially in school. It was made very clear that you had not been sent to school to go and give your teachers a hard time. Woo unto you if you were "chased" home due to indiscipline; you would be made to "see with your teeth". Woo unto you also if your parent knew how to read coz they would thoroughly scrutinise your report form and you would have to explain in case your grades were down! You had to account for the school fees that was being paid! One of the things we dreaded was the long " msomo" that you would be given on closing day. Most of us were thoroughly "thupped", Some were even denied food.
A lot of research shows clearly that children of parents who have high expectations of them perform better in school and also in life. I actually read one research which claimed that children of nagging mothers are more likely to go farther in education ie to undergraduate and above, than those of mothers who are not nagging.
It is like on average, children have a drive in them to do everything in their power to make their parents proud of them - it's natural. That's why most children are always on their best behaviour in front of their parents.
Now, nothing in this world is perfect and every good thing has it's down side. Research also shows that if parents place too high unrealistic and unachievable expectations on their children, the children are likely to suffer low self esteem. This is because of constantly failing the parents, hence they may start to feel like they're not good enough. This has made some psychologist to come up with research and theories that say that parents should not put any expectations on their children, but they should allow them to just grow and explore their abilities. In fact this whole idea of having expectations has acquired a negative connotation even in marriage! You constantly here people saying "i don't have any expectations because i don't want to be disappointed."
The truth of the matter is that expectations are good for many reasons; at least they help one to have direction and focus in life. They also give one a basis of evaluating their progress. The problem comes when the expectations are unrealistic and unachievable.
The biggest problem I see as I interact with many parents especially of teenagers is that many have bought into this theories of not placing any demands or expectations on their children and in my view it can only lead to a disaster.
Many parents are sending their children to secondary school, paying a lot of school fees but with zero expectations or demands on their children. The parent is not bothered whether the child scores an A, C, D or even E; they have no idea how their child is fairing in school absolutely. Most of these students don't even fear their parents at all, they are more than happy to be sent home so that they can go and play 'play station'. And you can be sure the parent is not so much bothered; in fact they blame the teachers.
Some parents even discuss how that education is not that important, in the presence of their children, and then send the same kids to school! "Oooh so and so went to university but does not have a job; Oooh even Njenga Karume was not schooled but had a lot of money; oooh even Bill gates dropped out of school and is very rich"
It's no wonder in the recently released KCSE results of 2021, it was reported that more than 60% of all the candidates scored a mean grade of D and below! What are we saying, that our women are now giving birth to "fools"?!
The same psychology says that most children are born average which is grade C for secondary here. But we are constantly seeing students posting grades D and E with abandon; they remain not bothered at all neither are their parents. Yet this same students and their parents expect to be successful "business men" in future -never mind that the methods used to get good grades in school - hard work, focus, discipline, etc - are the same methods used to get legal money after school. Some parents even tell you that they have brought their kids to school to grow up. If the child happens to know that, then you can see the kind of problems they're likely to cause in school.
My experience is that most of these teenagers are multi gifted; they can make the football/basket ball/etc teams while at the same time producing good grades in class. It is always very disheartening when you see that kind of potential going down to waste.
Now, as you know nature never allows vacuums. Secondary education here in Kenya is very tough, it requires maximum focus and effort for a student to even make the average grade of C. Parental expectations therefore becomes one of the motivators for the student to focus and put effort in their studies. In the absence of that, it is said that an idle mind is the workshop of the devil. Depending on the personality of the child and their environment, they are drawn to other things and mostly which are bad, a case in point here being drug abuse. My dear friends, these teenagers are taking drugs especially bhang like porridge! And then they influence one another due to peer pressure; especially in day schools, its becoming a disaster for boys; every other day you do a search and you collect several sticks. No wonder you have seen schools resulting in using drastic measures such as using sniffer dogs to search for drugs when the students are reporting back to school!
In fact one of the reported causes of drug abuse among teenagers is boredom. Especially in urban areas, these teenagers have no manual work to do eg farming. At the same time in most homes they have employed house helps meaning that these teenagers don't even do house chores hence they are idle. Why would these kind of children not be bored? Yet if a child is focused and committed to their studies, at least that element of boredom is reduced. There are a lot of academic materials available including online to keep a whole teenager glued.
One of the common behaviours among humans is a tendency of operating extremes; it is either this or the other. Like in this matter, on one side we have those who have too high unrealistic and unachievable expectations for their children and on the other side we have those who have zero expectations.
As wise parents we need to understand that what is needed is a balance. We must be cautious in how we play our politics; our politics must be above that of our children. We must know which tune to play at every moment. Before delivering that fellow to school, Sit down with them and set smart, realistic and achievable goals and expectations for that particular child. After that do some follow up to see that as much as possible your expectations have been achieved.
As a parent, the responsibility lies with you and you cannot afford to be reckless. Every time before sending that fellow to school, sit them down and let them know exactly why you are sending them there and your expectations of them in every area of life; academics, co- curricular activities, character, spiritual; social etc. Just ensure that your expectations are realistic and achievable.
We need to train our children not to operate like "receive only" machines which can never give. We need to teach them to be empathetic and that will greatly affect the child-parent relationship both now and in future. Our children must learn to appreciate the struggle we go through in order to provide for them a comfortable life. As we do our best to meet our children's needs, they also need to do their best to meet our expectations; we must all be good givers and not just receivers - it is why we are here.