29/09/2025
*BREAKING THE CYCLE OF TOXIC PARENTING STYLES OR BEHAVIOUR*
Most new parents begin the journey determined to raise their children in a nurturing and supportive home. However, as little ones grow from babies to toddlers and start forming their own strong opinions, those high ideals of “doing the best” can easily get buried under the everyday demands of parenting. In stressful or chaotic moments, old unhealthy parenting habits—sometimes passed down through generations—can surface. That’s why many parents who recognize these patterns make a conscious decision to “break the cycle.” They deliberately choose healthier approaches and avoid repeating the harmful behaviors they experienced in their own upbringing.
*What It Means to Break the Cycle*
When parents commit to breaking the cycle, they are choosing to put an end to harmful family patterns that create pain, anger, and trauma. As Dr. Rachel Miller, a Marriage and Family Therapist explains, cycle breakers are those who take an honest look at their family dynamics and declare, “This stops with me. We will not continue what has always been allowed.” These patterns can include serious issues such as domestic violence, child abuse, or s*xual abuse. But they can also involve less extreme—yet still damaging—experiences, like growing up with the effects of divorce, mental health struggles, financial instability, or substance abuse in the family.
*What Breaking the Cycle Looks Like*
Breaking the cycle often means making intentional parenting choices that look very different from one’s own upbringing—usually with healthier outcomes. This could mean rejecting corporal punishment, creating safe and open conversations about puberty and s*xuality, or giving children the freedom to voice their opinions or choose their own religious path. At its core, it’s a commitment to stop repeating behaviors that once felt harsh, controlling, or wounding, in order to spare the next generation from the same pain.
*Recognizing Family Patterns*
The process begins with awareness—examining family history, sometimes stretching back generations. As Dr. Miller notes, families function like systems with established rules about what is acceptable and what is not. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in deciding which ones should end.
*The Challenge of Cycle Breaking*
Breaking the cycle is not easy or as simple as “just doing the opposite” of your parents. Dr. Miller cautions that this approach can backfire—for example, strict authoritarian parenting giving way to overly permissive parenting in the next generation. Another trap is parents trying to meet their unmet childhood needs through their children, such as seeking validation or emotional support that should come from adult relationships. True cycle breaking takes thoughtful, intentional effort. It’s not only about rejecting harmful behaviors, but about consciously building new, healthier patterns that lead to lasting change for future generations.
*What Parents Can Do to Break the Cycle*
When expectant or new parents come to Dr. Miller wanting to end generational patterns of trauma or harmful parenting, she begins by asking three key questions: What parenting style did your parents use? How did it shape you? And does that approach align with your values today? Dr. Miller explains that breaking the cycle is easier when parents focus on values. By asking, What values do I want to teach my children? How do I live out those values daily? parents can align their parenting choices with their core beliefs.
*Identifying Harmful Patterns*
Instead of labeling your entire upbringing as “toxic,” it helps to pinpoint the specific behaviors, beliefs, or attitudes that hurt you and that you don’t want to pass on. Reflect on what you see as your role as a parent and where those ideas came from. This clarity provides the foundation for creating a parenting style that fits your value system.
*Seeking Support and Using Tools*
This kind of deep reflection can stir up painful memories, so working with a therapist can be an important part of the process. Dr. Miller also recommends Brené Brown’s *BRAVING* framework—which stands for Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Nonjudgment, and Generosity. Parents can apply these principles to themselves first: Do I keep healthy boundaries? Am I reliable with myself? Do I treat myself with non-judgment? By modeling these habits, parents naturally teach them to their children.
*Embracing Imperfection and Accountability*
Cycle breaking is rarely straightforward. Every parent will make mistakes, but what matters is staying grounded in your values, owning your missteps, and apologizing when necessary. Accountability—acknowledging when your parenting caused harm and making adjustments—is central to creating a healthier family dynamic.
*Healing Through the Process*
Breaking the cycle can also bring healing. As you reflect on your past, you may begin to see your parents with more context—recognizing their struggles without excusing the hurt they caused. This shift often opens the door to grace, forgiveness, and a deeper understanding of your family history. Even if you don’t fully reconcile with your parents, you can move forward free from taking their choices personally, and more intentional about how you want to show up for your own children.
At *Giving Hope Counselling Services*, our experienced Marriage and Family Therapists are here to walk alongside you as you intentionally break free from toxic parenting styles and generational patterns. With compassionate guidance and practical tools, we will help you build healthier ways of parenting that align with your values—so you can raise confident, emotionally secure, and well-adjusted children who thrive in a loving environment.
Any time you encounter issues in the family, remember you don’t have to do it alone. Always seek our services by calling/WhatsApp at +*254721240462*/*254733932470* or email us at info@givinghope.co.ke. Also check for more informative articles on our blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke.
*Peter Mugi Kuruga*
*Counselling Psychologist* | *Marriage and Family Therapist*
*Diploma in Counselling (MFT), B. Com., MA in Sociology (Counselling), PhD (MFT) – On going*
