01.01.2025 What has changed in last year?
“And if we focus on this moment,
bring the fragments of the darkness into light…”
Asked for some new job opportunities which brought me more joy and fun into my life.
I didn’t expect I would land in a “garage” with a bunch of crazy, dirty guys.
This idea that I will study car mechanics as crazy as when I used to study nautical and celestial navigation. But it brought me joy and new adventures.
Somehow I stuck in this workshop and now I buy old cars to repair and cruise at nights.
This place it’s not really special but I wait every evening to get there to screw a bit. It’s like meditation for me.
I have realised that in Mexico when we had some fight with my ex boyfriend. I had to pull back to my room to repair some old fans. It switched off my mind and calmed me down.
12.11.2023 “ I tell you all the time,
Heaven is a place on earth with you”
When something ends, a new journey begins.
I am so grateful for this relationship which I experienced here. It gave me a lot of clarity of relationships, and also of myself. How I cannot fit in this kind of situations. I experienced, how it feels being a “man” in a relationship, (I was the wrong one no matter what happened. :D)
It showed me how I was blaming my exboyfriend in another relationship, or how I was acting, and now I know, how he might felt in that situation.
I know that what Iooking for is not even similar to that.
And I hope I learnt for a life, when I hear “ You are too much...” it means: time to leave.
I learnt a lot about allowance. Let people make their own choices, even if I know there is so much more.
And I’m willing to be anything to creat the life, what I would like to live, even I willing to be the mean one. I don’t need to be right.
He is not wrong, we just want to create different things in our lifes.
Today when my instagram pop up my ex ‘s story and opened it up, (which made heavy) a question showed up:
Who am I, and how old am I in that moment? Why am I craving for someone, who mostly just abused me somehow, and I still let him doing this? Do I really want to choose this? What is my reality? What does create more in my life, if I keep him, and hoping, he will text me one day, or I just let him go, and I choose to create a bigger, and greater life to myself?
Oh yeah, it goes “against” my policy, to try not to hurt anyone, we can be friends later. lol
What if I don’t have to be everyone friends anymore?
What if I choose people who are having fun with me, and enjoy the time with me?
I choose someting else today. Just for me, just for me, never tell anyone.
What invitation and magic can I be today?
07.10.2023.
I was born for this, born for this
It’s who I am, how could I forget?
I try to put in words the energy where I have arrived. So maybe you, who read this, you can also experience it.
Generally my emotions go up and down like a roller coaster.
In my whole life since I was a child I had depressive episodes, sometimes for quite long periods, I was even thinking to end of my life, and I tried to.
There was one quote which was escorting me through my life from Frida Kahlo:
“Ten Coraje de vivir, porque cualquiera puede morir.”
“Have the courage to live, because anyone can die.”
Nowadays I got closer to discover more what it even means. What does it mean to me?!
Most of the time I was thinking what is my life’s purpose? Why am I even here on the Earth?
Because I don’t have any holistic life goals.
But keep thinking what is my gift to this world. And today I had a vision when I tried to connect and heal my body.
I have seen my enjoyable other smile, or when we laughed so hard, I saw some volunteers whom I encouraged to choose bigger things, I saw the girls who taught me new moves and they were so proud of themselves with smile on their faces. I saw a bartender who made new drinks just because I was unwilling to choose from the menu, and after he was so happy. I saw a dog that invited me to play and we had fun at the beach. I saw my friends who were so happy that I took them to the Turtle camp.
These are small things, ordinary things, what we usually forget about, because somehow we think only grandiose deeds matter.
Nope.
Present is the only moment where we really are.
If you have 10 second left, what would you choose?
#accessconsciousness #accessbars #accessbars® #spiritualawakening #spiritualjourney
17.08.2023 How many times do we recreate the same patterns in our relationships?
In the last year I became more aware what I recreate in my relationships. How I stop creating greater things and start to destroy what I’ve already done.
It doesn’t sound good, right?
And I also collard myself, how I put on my armour energetically and run against my love ones.
I had to dive deep underneath my angers. I found some programs, which are responsible to protect me to make any commitments in a relationships. I made them, back in my early twentieth after I was abused by many times mentally and sexually. I have sweared to god : I will never let anybody close to me again so they never can hurt me ever again.(POD,POC)
Well, even it seems stupid and irrelevant, it was a strong commitment.
And still making up situations to prove me, I’m not loveable.
It’s insane.
I created here a beautiful life, with a job what I truly enjoy, with magnificent ambience, and enjoyable, happy partner, who cares and loves me more than I could imagine before.
Most of our clashes based on my barriers that he expresses his kindness and I reject it. I’m not able to receive because it won’t prove my ideas of myself, that I am not loveable.
How do I change it?
Well I just made some clearings, and choose something different next time. I’m at the beginning of this process.
But I wanna finish here hurting myself through other people and instead of that sh*t, just be the energy to shows the possibilities.
#spirituality #spiritualjourney #accessconsciousness #accessbars #accessbars® #journey
Some of you asked me about my “magical dance” shows. Here is some footage. I was a Valkyrie.
27.07.2023 Dance
I came here to change my life. Which is actually changed. Not as I expected. I supposed to stop dancing, but I had to acknowledge it wasn’t my reality. I wanted to make other people happy, to make real other people’s point of views. But my reality says dancing is fun. I can being myself when I dance. I play around with energy as a powerful witch, I invite people to have fun, enjoy themselves and change the world around us. Matt taught me how to run ESB during my dance which makes more fun and more energy to me. This energy makes my skin spotless and fresh, makes my body glowing. It makes me more energetic and vibrant.
And I also realised I don’t like to work, I just like to have fun, be around and get money for that. Previously I did the same in my Beauty Salon but I bought the point of view that I have to spend there tones of times to get money. Month by month I asked for more free time, more fun, and more money.
Nowadays I creat this life. I got a dancer job at the clubs down on the main Street, at Malecón. I have to dance around 2 hours or less to get almost the same salary at back home. I enjoy the day time and also have time to sleep well at night and wake up around 8 am or 9 am.
I am so grateful for me that I made the choice to do something else than back home. I remind myself to choose ease and joy everyday because it’s possible.
Anything you ask for is possible just ask for it. Ask for what works for you and makes you more happy than you ever imagined.
#accessbars #AccessConsciousness #spiritualawakening #spiritualjourney #SpiritualDance
