13/04/2022
When baby G hit a week old I could not believe how hard it had already been to be a parent. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to survive up to week two, or three, or four… let alone nine months (where we are now). I had a hard time understanding how parenthood was even possible! How was the whole world doing this?! Have all the women I know to be moms been through these hard experiences?! How are all of them still alive and functioning?! And how are some women wanting to have more babies?!!! Did they not experience labor and pp like I did?!
I love my daughter. I love her more than anything in this world! But being a parent was SO freaking hard at the beginning, and still is! Yes, it got better as the weeks passed! Yes, things got easier the more I did them and understood my baby. But dang it! It consumed my life!
I had great help during my postpartum from family. And it was still hard!
I had the privilege (in this country) to have four months of (UNPAID) maternity leave (meaning I chose to take the time off of work to HEAL and take care of my baby). And still, I struggled with the “going back” to work and juggling all the things.
I have child care now through a nanny share. But I still find myself “mommying” all the time!
Before baby G I used to tell people I wanted to be a parent because I couldn’t see myself going through life without experiencing the challenge of raising a human by becoming a better one. Oh and life did deliver me a challenge! And continues to do so everyday. There is not one step of parenthood that I haven’t failed, struggled, or learned from. And yet, I am indeed a better human since Giu. I am a stronger woman, wife, mom, and person to myself. I am proud of myself, maybe to a level I’ve never been before. Not by having everything feel perfect in my life. No, quite the contrary! But by accepting myself for who I am, and recognizing my growth and good intentions.
I still very much struggle with understanding who I am as mom because I’m still new to this identity. But I’m here for her. And I’m here for the new dad Ryan. And I’m here for the energy that the two of us and baby G create together. I love us!