24/04/2022
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP: CAUSES AND CURE
Malachi 2:10-17
10 Have we not all one father?
hath not one God created us?
why do we deal treacherously every man against his brother,
by profaning the covenant of our fathers?
11 Judah hath dealt treacherously,
and an abomination is committed in Israel and in Jerusalem;
for Judah hath profaned the holiness of the Lord which he loved,
and hath married the daughter of a strange god.
12 The Lord will cut off the man that doeth this, the master and the scholar,
out of the tabernacles of Jacob,
and him that offereth an offering unto the Lord of hosts.
13 And this have ye done again,
covering the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping, and with crying out,
insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more,
or receiveth it with good will at your hand.
14 Yet ye say, Wherefore?
Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth,
against whom thou hast dealt treacherously:
yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
15 And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit.
And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed.
Therefore take heed to your spirit,
and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
16 For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away:
for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the Lord of hosts:
therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
17 Ye have wearied the Lord with your words.
Yet ye say, Wherein have we wearied him?
When ye say, Every one that doeth evil is good in the sight of the Lord,
and he delighteth in them;
or, Where is the God of judgment?
1. What Is an abuse in relationship?
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate, control, maltreat and injure the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
AIM OF THIS TEACHING
1. To point out that abuse is real and does exist
2. To expose the evil of abuse
3. To counsel that no one deserves to be abused
4. To show that abuse is a wicked act and is not of God
5. To reveal scriptural escapes from abuse
2. Domestic abuse affects:
a) every class of people
- the rich and the poor
- the educated and the illiterate
b) every race on earth
c) every gender i.e. Male and Female
3. TYPES OF ABUSE
i. Verbal abuse
This involves the use of foul and insulting languages to put a partner down, intimidate, humiliate or threaten.
Proverbs 12:18
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword:but the tongue of the wise is health.
ii. Emotional abuse
This can involve unreasonable isolation from loved ones, withdrawal of needed attention or/and presence, cold-shoulder treatment, sulking, negative mood control through silence, harshness, suspicion
Matthew 7:12
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
iii. Physical abuse
Any intentional use of physical force with the intent to cause fear or injury.
This can involve hitting, shoving, biting, using a weapon, strangling
Ephesians 5:28-29
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
iv. Stalking/undue suspicion
This includes monitoring a partner's movements
Being repeatedly watched, followed or harassed.
v. Financial Abuse
Using money or access to accounts to exert power and control over a partner.
1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
vi. Sexual Abuse
This includes the use of force in carrying out sexual activity, sexual denial, denial of access to birth control, birth control without consensual agreement, and seeking sexual satisfaction outside of marriage
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
vii. Digital Abuse
The use of technology such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated through technology.
Things that aid abuse
1. Co habitation before/without marriage; sexual adventure before marriage
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
2. Addiction to drugs and alcohol
Proverbs 23:29-30
Who hath woe? who hath sorrow?who hath contentions?who hath babbling? who hath wounds without cause?who hath redness of eyes? They that tarry long at the wine;they that go to seek mixed wine.
3. Societal gender discrimination and subscribing to cultural bias against women
Colossians 2:8
Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.
4. Marrying without home support
Genesis 26:34-35
And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite: Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah.
5. Marrying a person who thinks he/she is doing you a favor or a person you think you are doing a favor rather than out of a loving conviction
Amos 3:3
Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
6. Uncontrolled anger
Ecclesiastes 7:9
Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.
7. Isolation
Mark 10:6-9
But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
8. Past hurts
Why hurt people hurt people
- 1. Hurt people often transfer their inner anger onto their family and close friends.
- 2. Hurt people interpret every action and word spoken to them through the experience of their pain.
- 3. Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”.
- 4. Hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them.
- 5. Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because particular words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past woundedness.
SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
1. Fear of your partner
1 John 4:18
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
2. Excessive jealousy
- Views everybody as a threat
- suspects every phone call, outing, greeting, gift, favor and promotion
- seeks to devalue your worth so that you are unattractive to others
- accuses you of unfaithfulness/ infidelity, while he/she is the unfaithful one
Job 5:2 NLT
[2] Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple.
3. Manipulation. Abuse and manipulation go hand-in-hand.
- an abuser detects vulnerability in others and uses it as a weapon to control, belittle and demean the victim. “You are weak and ugly; no wonder you were abused as a kid.”
- he/she uses derogatory statements such as "you are so worthless". " I don't even know why I married a pig like you"
4. Controlling. Constant checking on the whereabouts of the victim is a common trait for the abuser. “I check the mileage on your car. So don’t lie to me.” A male controller often refuses to let his girlfriend have a job, she might “meet someone.”
- Refusing your partner's desire for self expression that are not illegitimate or sinful, may be in order to keep her from making progress
5. Never taking responsibility
- You made me hit you because you are such a nag
- I insult you because you do stupid things
- I can not turn myself into money. Let the children stay out of school
- he/she rarely says 'I am sorry'
6. Inconsistency
-Mood swings - this makes people who love you suffer
-Oscillating life style I.e. Gives you an assurance today but withdraws it tomorrow
7. Negative criticisms
- This includes
- verbal assault
- pessimistic opinions about every attempt of a partner towards progress
8. Isolation from loved ones
9. Viciousness and cruelty
- indicates every attempt to make a partner suffer
10. Insincere apologies and repentance
DEALING WITH ABUSE
BEFORE MARRIAGE
1. open up to God
- the cheapest way to die is to be afflicted and not open up to God
Isaiah 53:7
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.
2. Open up to counsel
- seek for counsel in right places
Proverbs 11:14
14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
- not every one is qualified to be your counsellor
Psalms 1:1
1 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
- Use the right counsel you have been given
Proverbs 15:5
5 A fool despiseth his father's instruction: but he that regardeth reproof is prudent.
- if you despise counsel often, you will soon run out of counsellors
Proverbs 23:9
9 Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
SOURCES OF GODLY COUNSEL
- Spiritual parents
- A godly, unbiased friend
- preaching and teaching of God's word
- the study of the bible
- opinion of close watchers of your relationship ( with caution)
- your natural parents, ( with caution )
3. Avoid pretense
- what you can not put up with for life, don't condone in courtship
4. Before your relationship gets too far, agree on a common counsellor
- note that the feeling ' no third party must know what is happening in our relationship' is not wise as long as there are issues the two parties can not handle alone
5. Set boundaries
- A relationship without clearly recognized boundaries is open to abuse
- boundaries include
- things you can not tolerate or endure
- things you can not compromise
6. Know when to walk away
Amos 3:3
3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
7. Be decisive
- be firm in your decision
- people who are not firm many times still end up with the wrong person inspite of divine warnings and signals
8 Forgive
- If you leave an abusive relationship, drop the hurt behind
- forgiveness opens you up to divine intervention
Matthew 6:14
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
IN MARRIAGE
1. Open up to God
- the cheapest way to die is to be afflicted and not open up to God
Isaiah 53:7
7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.
2. Open up to counsel
3. Look inward
- is the abuse a retaliatory measure from your partner?
- if your actions are responsible for your pain, deal with yor own issues first
Matthew 7:3
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4.- Be tolerant
Give room for God to deal with your partner's imperfection
5. Expose the abuser
Ephesians 5:11 (NIV)
11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
6. Report abuse to appropriate authorities
7. Avoid wickedness
Zechariah 8:17 (KJV)
17 And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath: for all these are things that I hate, saith the LORD.
Marriage Therapist
