Shamseddin Giwa, Lagos (2025)

19/10/2025

I’m sorry this has happened.

Infidelity has happened if they are talking about past pregnancy and possible current pregnancy.

Wanting to marry another wife is not the same as sleeping by with the woman. If it involves multiple pregnancies (most likely aborted) then not only is he having an affair but probably deceiving the other lady too (that’s assuming she want more than a fling).

Yes, this will be heartbreaking but you have a decision to make on whether you want to remain in such a marriage or not.

Slow down though; this is a very heavy decision; one you cannot afford to make while being emotional.

While you are waiting to make a decision, do ensure sexual relations don’t occur until proper health tests are carried out.

Majority of the work that needs to be done to fix this marriage is with him so let him decide it is important enough to seek help over.

As for you, at this point in time, you need a neutral professional support system that can get you through this phase without emotional decisions.

You deserve better.

19/10/2025

This is a woman I have given everything for, one who, in the face of temptations, I held my grounds for.

It all sort of makes sense now, the never ending meetings, the incessant chats and calls, the trip round town with the car at home or office, the hotel sightings, the woman I call wife.

Who do I talk to? What do I say? How do I not become one to be mocked and laughed at? While I was there working to create a better life for us, you were doing this….

You are the one who did me wrong yet here I am being twisted around to be the villain. All of a sudden it’s I who neglected you, it’s I who never raised my standards, it’s I who caused it.

What do I know? I’m here asking how it was ever wrong to go above and beyond to try and create a better life for us even through the extreme work shifts that left me always struggling. You say I never had your time when by my work and all I do, I was always spending my time for you!

Now, am I supposed to beg you to not leave? You hurt me, you hurt me yet you want to leave me.

Love should not have to be this this, maybe it’s all not worth it.

Yet, I tell you, love with the right person is always worth it. The task is finding that person.

Welcome to the world many husbands cannot speak about for the fear of being seen as jokes. The reason many stay silent and broken.

This needs not be you anymore, get help brother. You deserve better.

19/10/2025

is not just about when you win, it’s also about when you don’t.

It’s the same spirit in marriage. Through the good and not so good, you’ll never walk alone.

But e for no be today Una go lose match sha 😒😒😒

19/10/2025

Take time as a man to refresh and come out stronger.

19/10/2025

I’m sorry you are going through this.

The trauma from knowing your wife slept with another can be very heavy, leading to different things.

Yes, you did love her before but what’s left is questionable. How you view her now is no different to how you’d watch actors in a p**n movie. The heartbreak that you have not dealt with is what’s making you think it’s still love.

Brother, you need immediate professional help for this trauma.

You need to deal with the heartbreak
You need to deal with the desires which you now feel
You need to deal with the state of the marriage

Beyond the above, you also need to deal with whatever issues may have contributed to this situation (if any). An example can be a deficiency is your sexual prowess which you have not addressed . If such an issue exists, it will account for some of the reasons why this led to infidelity and even more importantly, why your trauma is tied to a sexual fantasy of the event.

You wanted to know if this is normal? No brother, it isn’t normal but then we are all not the same and as such will be affected by things differently.

You need help with this, let’s get you started immediately. I wish you strength.

17/10/2025

Many men are in marriages where seemingly basic things like intimacy, childbirth and tasks within the home are an issue.

To speak about it is even an issue because of the fear of emotional blackmail. You know what marriage means to you but it is important to be sure it means the same to the woman you want to marry.

Many women don’t want the traditional roles of cooking, tending the children etc, that’s where having children is not even being painted in a way that leaves you with no say.

It’s not hard, you have a right to desire what you desire so please do yourself a huge favour by observing her from near and far beyond what words she speaks. The desperation to be married will make many people pretend and even lie.

If, for you, the role of a wife includes tending the home, cooking etc, seek a woman whose marital ideology embraces that.

It’s unfair for you to bear the responsibilities expected of you, only to be emotionally blackmailed because of a wife who doesn’t want to do her bit.

Learn from those before you, don’t assume. Be vocal upfront, observe and pick a spouse patiently.

17/10/2025

Manipulative spouses try to control things by ensuring you look bad to others.

To you, there’d be things you are covering for them to protect their image but they will always take the opportunity to make you look bad.

Anybody that’s capable of being there for you is suddenly a threat they have to discredit because they need to keep the truth away and continue to make you look like the bad one.

Unfortunately, because you still respect and cherish the sanctity of your marriage, you’d continue to keep the truth, believing you are doing what’s best whereas this is the very thing they capitalise on.

At some point, as difficult as it may seem, you will need to stand up for yourself if this manipulation is to ever stop. Of course this will be resisted but all you need to be true to is your conscience.

A manipulative spouse needs you isolated, their whole game plan rests on it.

17/10/2025

Relocating abroad will affect your marriage too, know what you’re getting into.

- Plan to go with your spouse, else plan how you’d sustain the spark and connection while you work on a feasible plan. Distance creates cracks that end many marriages.

- Understand the rules of marriage in the new country. Many have gotten into trouble with the law thinking it’s business as usual especially during marital conflicts. Understand too what it means before you call the cops on your spouse. It’s hard to recover from that.

- Money dynamics may change and the person who used to earn lower may become higher or even sole earner. Create a connect in humility, loyalty and fairness. Have a financial model because bills hit differently. You will grow faster (e.g mortgage) if you do it together.

- You or your spouse may struggle to adjust and be going through emotional spikes and dips. Work out a way to be there as a team. Also, be deliberate about having POSITIVE support structure around you e.g friends, family and colleagues.

- Find the nearest place of worship and establish a connection there. You will find this very beneficial with your spirituality in a society that may not really encourage you in that direction. You’d also find like minded people there to help you in times of need.

- Work schedule may seek to keep you apart as you chase the bills. Please allow yourself quality time together. Many spend weeks and months without sleeping together on the same bed because as one person is getting home, the other is off to work.

- New interactions may come with chances of infidelity. Stay focused and remember you have a family. There would be many single people who have free spaces you can go to. Take it easy and go home instead. It is cheaper, better and complication free.

- The reality with chores is different, there’s no super spouse or super worker. It’s your home too, you have to contribute if you both are to stand a chance of making things easier.

Believe in yourself and your dreams then action them with plans and leave the rest to your Lord.

17/10/2025

Blunt truth:

If you treat your husband poorly, he’s likely to desire a life away from you.

It won’t matter what version you post on social media, you’ll know deep down you messed up a good marriage.

It will sting more because your conscience will not let you get over him even when you try to hate.

17/10/2025

Dear madam “that is how my voice is”

No ma, you just don’t respect your husband enough to address him calmly.

Are you feeling the urge to argue and get defensive? Yes, you. Look inwards and do the needful.

17/10/2025

First of all, if your faith permits polygyny then he can marry you and you can marry him so long as the provisions for its permissibility are met.
The issue is in how you go about it.

Something about how you are going about it made you say he’s single. Marriage is such a big deal that you need to be able to be sure about what you are about to do to stand any chance of making others see the sense in it. Others being those that matter in this context.

If this man is everything you have described above, you should be able to open up to them about it. Even if they refuse, I imagine they will give you good reasons and you also get the chance to convince them on who you say he is.

If they invite him at this point, it also helps them to know the right things to ask about him and also know the right checks for instance the claim he is taking good care of his family.

Go to the head of the family and tell him the truth. You are seeking to be married and there’s nothing wrong with that if you do it the right way.

17/10/2025

Hack to instantly improve your marriage and energy at home.

- Go to your spouse right now, hold the hand, place a hand on or just stay close and say this prayer:

“May your affairs be better. May whatever good you are doing blossom and bring you success. May you become the best in the good you are doing. I love you”

Try it and let me know how it goes.

May your home be healed.

Go and try it now, you have all to gain and nothing to lose.

Shamseddin Giwa

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