So I Say 2 Myself Breathe Sis

So I Say 2 Myself Breathe Sis “Surprise yourself everyday with your own courage.”

❣️Heart Patient
💔Cardiomyopathy
💔Heart Failure Patient
🩺Living With A ICD Device

20/04/2025

So Lately, I been having some good and bad days, where my feet, toes and fingers would start swelling out of the blue. Walking a distance and talking or holding a conversation you can clearly hear me gasping for air. Off and on my body tends to retain water but, I have a separate medication for that, which I try not to take unless I really have to. My bad days are worst at night for some reason.
Which is still confusing because like I said before it’s not like I am doing too much or over working myself, but my doctor explained at night is like my heart is trying to catch up to helping my body settle down and sometimes my heart can drop lower than it should. (That’s where the device comes in when you start to feel lil vibrations).

Following week I visited one of the nurses that deals directly with heart failure patients and she did a general checked up and everything was and still is stable. We spoke about having heart failure itself…….. but like I said from day one I been researching and doing my own reading on everything possible about heart failure and my symptoms. So most of the things she was telling me I already knew about. Plus my doctors and nurses in St.Maarten was super helpful and open to answering all questions I had, good and bad.

So, at this point nothing that I am hearing is new to me. One thing I commend my new doctors for is that they want to hear what their patient has to say. Sometimes in these situations it’s good to know YOU HAVE A SAY! And that is something the social worker told us at all our meetings. The doctors will explain or tell you what’s on the agenda and you always have a say whether you want to or not.

It was the end of that week and It was a lot going on and I needed a break mentally, emotionally and physically, so that weekend I was sent home and met up with some family and friends and enjoyed every second of those days.
The following week I was back at it again with continuation of testing and monitoring.
The doctor came in and updated and refilled my medication, we checked my ICD Machine and then we discuss a few things leading up to the transition from St.Maarten to the Netherlands.

I was sent to the Netherlands by my medical insurance (SZV) and listen to ME….. They only help for a certain period of time, so after getting all my results and paper work in order that I would have to make this transition and go on the heart transplant list. I had a few months’ time period to get my priorities in order. SZV provided a daily allowance, a social worker, and a temporary place to stay to help you with the transition.






The entire screening process before knowing if you are eligible for a heart transplant can take up to 3-6 months. Here’s...
27/03/2025

The entire screening process before knowing if you are eligible for a heart transplant can take up to 3-6 months.

Here’s a little “Need to Know”.

The nurse specialist will inform you about the tests you will receive during the screening. Most tests are done on an outpatient basis and are spread over several visits. Depending on the severity of your symptoms and how strenuous some of the tests are for you, the screening period may be longer or shorter.
Many examinations are done because they want to make sure that you do not have any other major conditions that would prevent a heart transplant.

Here are the following examinations that take place:
* • blood tests
* • ultrasound of the heart
* • cardiac ultrasound (ecg)
* • cardiac catheterization
* • exercise ECG
* • pulmonary function study
* • examination of urine and stool
* • various x-ray examinations
* • various ultrasound examinations

Results of a screening test may require further testing. The results of some blood tests may take three months.

Other parts of the screening include:
* • checkup by the dentist;
* • conversation with the medical social worker;
* • discussion with the dietician;
* • checkup with another specialist.
For example, if you are known to have diabetes, you will also see an ophthalmologist and a neurologist for check-ups.

So after nearly 3 months we have concluded the first half of the screening process, and we sat down with Dr. C.

Dr. C explained that yes indeed the heart is very weak, I can’t do as much physically or over work myself as a person with a 100% working heart but, she have seen how I handle myself in certain situations and notice that I am willing to push myself.

She said that after all the testing I am eligible to go on the heart transplant list for next year. There are no alarming issues too worrying about right now, the heart is stable once I stay on my medication.
🙏🏽

My condition it’s not life treating right now so if I need time to sort out anything before going on the list she will give me time to do that.

She said I don’t have to put on the LVAD…. THANK GODDDDD!!!!!! I can stay with the ICD for now, BUT if I have any pain, any complains, no matter how small please come right in.

We had that WHAT IF question from the social worker and I decided I will do it when I am ready, when will that be I don’...
09/03/2025

We had that WHAT IF question from the social worker and I decided I will do it when I am ready, when will that be I don’t know but I know I will do it when the time is right for me.
When I am mentally there and ready to have that conversation with myself first, then I can have it with others.
The social worker ended the conversation there and said we would talk again in a week or so….. At that point she can clearly see all the emotions and expressions that we wasn’t ready to have the conversation.

That gut feeling of never knowing what will happen next is the worst. That’s why I will always choose to live life like every day is my last. There are literally no warning signs to prepare you for what will happen and when it will happen.

The following day one of the nurses came in to tell me she had good news for me……. I could of go home for the weekend and be with my partner and baby jay 🙌🏾🎉🙌🏾. I wasted no time to get ready and packed and I left so fast 🤣💨
The good thing is that everything is walking distance so it was only a 4min walk back to the apartment. I reached home and was welcomed with hugs and kisses and snuggles. We enjoyed the weekend and had 2 close friends over for some drinks and snacks and that’s all I needed at that time. When they left we video called the kids and they told us about their day. Weekend was over and Sunday night I was back in the hospital and first thing in the morning we were back to testing. I then had another allergic reaction to the blasted patches.

The following week I was sent home and then they said we will do the rest testing via outpatient clinic, which meant I didn’t need to stay in the hospital any more. I come for testing and then go back home. That same day I was getting ready to leave we sat with the social worker again and the conversation went much better than the first time, she herself was pleased that we talked finally and we had sound more unified than the first time. She told us she made in her notes that we weren’t ready and was confused about everything by that was going on, But this time around she was happy to see we made progress with the real reality of it all.

Friday afternoon I sat down with my doctor and she discussed with me how the testing was going and what conclusion they came up with moving forward.






20/02/2025

The nurse continue to explain about the do’s and don’ts of the device, how the wound would need to be cleaned daily, and how there’s a lot of things especially when it come to water that you won’t be able to do anymore.

Here are some very important questions to ask in this case, but honestly, I was so lost for words. Like I said before I been working hard on my mental state and how I react to any news good or bad so this right here had thrown me for a loop.

* • Will I need to take any medication?
* • How will the VAD affect my daily routine?
* • Can I exercise with a VAD?
* • Can I travel with a VAD?
* • Will I need to take blood thinners with a VAD?
* • How do I take care of the line coming out of my chest or abdomen?
* • Is blood pressure important?
* • Can I drive with a VAD?
* • Can I shower or swim with a VAD?
* • What about intimacy?

The social worker continued to explained about the role that my partner would play in all of this….
Only God knows how much information was coming and how fast reality was really hitting at the time.

Now listen to me I literally blank out because after seeing the device and reading a few pages from the book, I already said to myself I can’t do this, for one split second reality became very real for me, and for those who knows me know I don’t show much emotions, so I was holding back a lot till I started to get sick to my stomach.

I could see the social worker talking but by god I couldn’t hear nothing she was saying. I snap myself out of it and told myself “Nothing is Never What It Seems… (Remember when I dreamed my dad) Those was his words to me in my dream.….. (Just remember Fabie nothing is never what it seems).

The social worker continued talking and then turned and asked us That big bad question……
WHAT IF???

I turned and watched her like what you mean WHAT IF???

She said did you have the talk with you support team, family, friends, and partner about WHAT IF……

Nowwwwwwww LISTENNNN to me when I say, I wasn’t ready for that and I told her NOPE I DIDN’T and honestly it wasn’t something on my list to do right now.
She explained that it is something that is needed and should be done.

My anxiety started up and my heart rate went through the roof, the device I had on at the time to monitor my beats was beeping and I guess she notice because she changed the conversation one time and told us it is something we should discuss or find my own way to do it.

Through all of this I can’t see myself leaving my kids, I can’t wrap that part around my head at all. So even though that conversation needs to be put on the table I need a minute to gather all of this in one bubble.






26/01/2025

We ended the last part with meeting the social worker from the hospital. The social worker mostly wanted to hear about my past, my family, and how we lived. She asked about how did I reach to this position I am in right now. I didn’t have a straight answer cause I myself wasn’t sure 🤦🏾‍♀️

We discussed from the beginning to the end of how it all went down. She then turns and asked my partner how he felt about it all, about his family, friends and his job. She actually got him to open up a little bit more than he will do with me. He expressed his concerns and feelings. Which was really good for me to know and hear.

We then went further into the conversation about the plans once I go on “The List”. What we will need to do, when, how, why, ect. She explained about one of the options that the doctor would consider if am not able to go on “THE LIST” soon and that was a LVAD.

A LVAD is a left ventricular assist device (LVAD) is implanted in the chest. It helps pump blood from the lower left heart chamber, called the left ventricle, to the rest of the body. A controller unit and battery pack are worn outside the body and are connected to the LVAD through a small opening in the skin.

One of the nurses even brought it in so we could see what it was and explained a little on how it works. First thing came to my mind when I saw it was OH HELL NO😭This right here will definitely make me feel like my life is over and all that work I put in for preparing myself mentally would go through the door😔

Just the fact that the battery pack is not 1 battery but 3 batteries around my waist or on my side was mind blowing. I can not remove these batteries because then the device will stop working.






12/01/2025

As days go by we continue testing and we did the test to see if I have sugar…. Listen that stuff is nasty OMG😩 I woke up super early to drink it, and yes I struggle but I did it🤢BUT my fast ass went to eat when breakfast came and guess what 😡🤬
It wasn’t good chuuuppssss, so they starve my ass the rest of the day 😂because I had to do it over the following morning early.
We also did a mouth and teeth test, they took a picture of my mouth and my teeth.
Now I didn’t know that they are certain bacterias in your mouth that can travel through your blood to your heart and cause a heart attack😱🤦🏾‍♀️

The dentist basically explained I have a few dead and 2 chipped tooth in mouth that would have to be removed before proceeding with a heart transplant. Because they won’t know which ones can or will affect anything in the process. He also explained that they do shut down most of your organs before starting to put in a new heart.

Now that was scary ASF…..
Because then I realize wait……..
You all killing me for a few seconds to get this done!

He explained the reason for that is because they don’t want any organs interfering in the transplant procedure because of how delicate and sensitive the whole procedure is/will be.
Following morning I was up at 4am and couldn’t go back sleep, my mind, my thoughts, and my anxiety was all over the place.

6:15am they came in with that nasty drink again and I did it again and it came back NEGATIVE🙌🏾
🙏🏽
The doctor told me she was very pleased with how I was handling myself and how the test them was coming along🙌🏾

It’s also has been 3 days and I had no allergic reaction to the liquid they put under my skin, so that was a plus as well.

Later that day we sat down with the social worker as well, and that was crazy and mind blowing.
The social worker is appointed in these cases to see where ’s you’re mental heath, and what state of mind you and the people around you are in.
If you have a strong support team, and how you and your family handling all of this that is going on.

Now to be honest we never really sat down and talked about my sickness or what it meant or anything of the sort. The conversation never really came up, we literally went about our days and only if I had to go doctor or if I wasn’t feeling well then it was like Sh*t……

The look the social worker give us was like😡🙄😔🤨😒😮
Her face give so much emotions 🤦🏾‍♀️ ……






30/12/2024

We did the infusion in my neck and now we wait a few hours so they can take pictures.
Since being in here I haven’t really hit that mark of what is really going on yet, but I must say every time I see my kids I feel like am going on an emotional roller coaster.
I find myself trying to hold back my tears a lot, because I don’t want them to see me crying.

BUT ITS SO HARDDDD!!!

ITS BLEEPING HARD!!!

The last set of testing for that day was a CT scan of my head, chest, and stomach.
Later that evening one of the nurses came in to tell me “Ms. Richardson you can go home tomorrow and spend the weekend with your baby and partner”.



She also told me I have to be back Sunday night to continue testing on Monday morning bright and early.
Sunday came and I checked back into the hospital. I was greeted by the nurses and hooked back up to the machines.

Monday morning bright and early they monitored my heart and pressure and explained and shared more information relating to patients that needs a heart transplant.
They then sticked a little needle under my skin in my hand to do a skin test. It has to stay under my skin for 3 days for them to see what type of symptoms I will get. I have to monitor my symptoms and leave them know.

The following day we discuss how the testing was going, and what was still to come. The virus/infection test came back negative so I was out of isolation.

My head, chest, and brain scan came back positive as well 🙏🏽
Later that day I had a bike test lord Jesus I swear they try set me up…….

That bike test nearly took me out I swear😂🤣😂 but I manage to go a half hour. The doctor came in later to explain that my bike test wasn’t bad but showed signs that I was having complications after a certain distance. Could have been because of my heart or because I don’t move around enough or maybe my ass just lazy I was thinking in my head 🤣😂🤣
But she will look more into it and leave me know.






10/12/2024

We landed safe and like I said before, I was admitted the weekend right after I reach.

When I tell you they have to test EVERYTHING…..THEY ARE TESTING EVERYTHING….

I was hooked me up 2 different machines to monitor my pressure and heart through out the testing.
We then started off with a simple checkup. Then another nurse came in and did about 20+ tubes of blood. I was then taking to another room to do a X-ray on my entire body. They then swabbed my entire body from my the crown of my head straight down to my toes.

THEY SWAB EVERYTHING I TELLING YOU

😳 I felt violated 😩🤣

We then did a p*e & stool test, like I literally had to p**p in a container for it to be tested 😱OMGGGGGG😱
I felt exactly like what I had p**p out!!!

SH*TTTTTTT 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️😩

The next few days was ruff😔 I was woken up early everyday to do blood pressure test. We then did a breathing & lung test.

Another doctor came in to explain what was about to happen throughout the day. In short, she explained that I will be doing another lung test but from the inside.

They will make a small cut in my neck and send a tube/camera down to see and measure a few things. The doctor that will be doing the surgery then came in to ask a few questions about anything that may have happened previously, or happen in or around other family members. He explained that he was waiting on the first lung test from earlier before continuing further, but so far, my chart is not showing any alarming signs so we can continue with testing. They did the infusion in my neck to check my lungs and stomach. It was crazy, not to painful because they numb the area, but I felt all the movement and pushing and pulling.…..

I literally started rethinking my life choices at this point🙄






Part 12 I got the best birthday gift ever🎉🥳I was ready and on my way to start the screening and testing process to see i...
26/11/2024

Part 12 I got the best birthday gift ever🎉🥳I was ready and on my way to start the screening and testing process to see if I really need a heart transplant.

But before we get into all of that, I get to enjoy my weekend with a few friends I missed so much 😍😍 and catch up on a few things I missed out on🙌🏾

The following week I had my first appointment to see the doctor, well I should say doctors…..
I wasn’t nervous, well so I taught 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ because that night I dreamt my dad, I guess he knew I was worried because he always pops up when I need him to. I would dream my dad whenever am worried, anxious, or feeling a bit overwhelmed. In my dream my dad hugged me so tight, told me he miss me, and that I was looking good. He ask me how I was doing, I told him I was doing ok, and watched him and told him buh daddy you looking good man, he told me yes I am doing good as well.

He told me everything will be alright, just remember “nothing is never what it seems”. He said he can’t see more right now. Thursday or Friday I will see more. (Don’t know what it meant, but I guess I will soon find out eventually).

Listen thats how I know my dad is always with me, my dreams does be way to real at times, there are times I find myself waking up with watery eyes because I was crying in my sleep. He is always there whenever I need him the most without me even knowing that I need him🕊️🙏🏽
In my dream He was fully dressed in his chef uniform and looking so happy.

The day of my appointment came and I taught it was going to be more of an introduction session. To my surprise it wasn’t🤦🏾‍♀️😮 I was actually being admitted on spot to start testing immediately😫😮 I was nervous, and my anxiety was slowly starting. I end up having a panic attack😫😫😫

They had allow me to go come back and get my stuff because I didn’t walk with ANYTHING and when I return back they was done set up and ready to start.

I was hooked up to 2 machines and a heart monitoring device to read every beat and move my heart was making. I was like that my entire stay
The first round of testing made me feel so violated and embarrass 😫😂🤦🏾‍♀️





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