Nervous System Alchemy

04/06/2025

Are you hanging out in the waiting room of life? - https://mailchi.mp/7bd412ec302d/are-you-hanging-out-in-the-waiting-room-of-life

26/05/2025

The Rebel in Me Hated Routine - Until Now..... -

For most of my life, the very idea of routine felt boring — even oppressive. I couldn’t stand the thought of doing the same thing every day.

02/10/2024

WHATS WRONG WITH PUSHING PEOPLE TO CRACK? AND WHY ALWAYS DIGGING FOR YOUR STUFF CAN LEAVE YOU HIGH AND DRY.
(long post warning! if you're curious, then settle in, maybe grab a cup of tea! ;)
I believe in what I am about to share here so much. In fact I believe in it enough to quit my well-paid job travelling the world and teaching in very exciting, fast paced, adrenaline fuelled spaces in highly exotic locations!

I knew deep down there was another way, and I knew deep down what we were doing wasn't really supporting people to grow and thrive, it just felt off.

After 13 years being in, AND teaching in these spaces and since then 4+ years of deep enquiry, thousands of dollars on re- training, countless hours in existential crisis, reflection, more training, therapy, some moments of real financial crisis, I can fully breath and stand in my truth.

Which is, I believe wholeheartedly, and know after working with so many 1:1 clients in the last four years, plus witnessing the magical changes within myself - that we do NOT need to force, push or pressure people into finding their edges and pushing through them and 'cracking' in order for people to grow and heal.

In fact this is harmful and not helping people.

What I have seen is that this is keeping people in a dependant cycle of needing more support, wanting another high intensity experience, or worse of all leaving an experience feeling totally broken and that it's all their fault rather than seeing that the methods and teachers were at fault.

LGAT"s or large group awareness trainings are high intensity type experiences designed with a particular format that encourages people to 'crack'.

You can define an LGAT by the following criteria
Large group of participants
High pressure and intense emotional experiences
Strong group cohesion and group identity
Big promises of transformation
Charismatic leaders
Several days long and typically lack of sleep, personal space, down time & time to reflect and digest

LGATS often encourage participants to push their emotional and psychological limits sometimes leading to breaking down barriers, and sometimes leading to re-traumatization, dissociation or even psychotic breakdowns.(which I have witnessed, I am sorry to say, and also experienced myself)

Group pressure in LGATS can significantly amplify participants' experiences, often pushing individuals to conform to group norms or expectations. Participants can end up feeling coerced, maybe pushing themselves too far, or adopting new beliefs, even changing their entire lives when they get home.

The thing is change that is able to be integrated happens in doable steps.

And more importantly this is change you get to keep.

If the group or training you wish to attend is promising community, or family or tribe but do not have a structure in place (afterwards) to support this claim - I recommend running a mile !!
(community is something that develops over time in normal everyday life as bonds are formed)

Would you go on a week long date with someone in an exotic non-ordinary holiday type scenario and then call them family after just one week? ( usually!)

Let me be clear here - I'm not knocking making connections, this is a beautiful thing that we do, when we go through experiences together, (especially intense ones)
Why not take the time afterwards - over weeks, months, and years to meet regularly. See what evolves over time.

If you really liked these people AND can commit to showing up, I imagine that something real and solid that feels like community can develop.

The reason why these trainings/experiences/workshops are so successful is that people get addicted to the high they feel in the experience and when it wears off after they go home for a while, like a addict they need another hit!

They want you to keep coming back of course!!! It's a business after all.

The other part of this equation is that by taking people into places and spaces where we keep trying to dig up all their trauma, especially when people are under resourced, tired, emotionally spent, triggered, pressured, exhausted, we do not heal, or grow. It's just like taking a gigantic cathartic dump, you may feel relief for a while , but then the s**t starts building up again.

We need ways that are digestible.

When we are outside of our window of tolerance (sometimes also called window of presence or range of resilience) the subtle changes needed for the nervous system to recalibrate can't happen. there isn't enough listening, or enough presence. It's just like trying to unpick a tangled messy knot with boxing gloves on.

The nervous system (which we need to take into account for deep healing to happen) doesn't know what to change-to, we need to be connected to our wholeness for a recalibration and completion of the stuck survival response (trauma).

A big part of the healing work I do with people is to help them orient to their wholeness, their resourced self, what feels ok, stability, or some might call this blueprint.

Then what arises to be met, can be met with greater ease, and accuracy.

When we are able to stay present to what is ready to be met without white knuckling it through (ie in small doable pieces) our sensitively attuned system can naturally in its own right timing re-orient back to homeostasis.

Whilst doing that we are listening and we come into contact with our embodied inherent knowing which knows the conditions we need to thrive and grow.

That means no forcing, no pushing, no trying to hack your nervous system, no going into overwhelmed states, no cracking , no digging, no penetrating to the core.

Instead.....

Softening
Melting
Unfurling
Re-orientating
Restoring
Regenerating
Recalibrating

With my clients what I have witnessed as they are met with the right kind of support both internally within themselves and externally - is that they feel relief!

Tears sometimes come....

Melting can happen as the frozen, shut down, overwhelmed states held within their physiology begin to thaw and come back online.

A common sequence is to then experience a need to express something. Sometimes it's just a silent scream, sometimes it's boundaries that were constantly overridden or never claimed.

And sometimes it's not like this and we are absolutely absorbed into a higher frequency state and the nervous system can slowly begin to recalibrate to it bit by bit using a method called titration*.

(* titration is used to contain an activation,in the system EVEN if its a change for the 'better' if the change is too drastic the nervous system can interpret it as a threat, and we won't be able to relax into that state, so we do it a bit at a time, in a gradual way, then it can be digested or absorbed)

I also want to take a moment here and say to you- if you have ever been gaslit in group spaces, or by a coach or 'healer' - felt coerced or manipulated, judged, made wrong, pushed too hard, felt pressured by the group norm. didn't feel included, went into a state of shock or dissociation and no-one supported you back, I am so sorry. If I was someone who was in that training with you, please let me know, I want to repair that.

It's been a humbling process to de-condition myself. I have had some amazing support, mentors and teachers and I am so thankful.

It feels to me like the LGAT style of facilitating groups is just another part of the unhealthy patriarchal paradigm that ignores and diminishes the more feminine/yin ways of healing
yielding,
holding,
caring,
attuning

Ultimately what is happening in this unbalanced approach is thinking that the penetrative force is all that's needed for transformation to happen, and when that is facilitated in a way where it feels like there is no choice, that is a violation.

What most of us need is more love, both from ourselves and from outside especially those we have paid and trusted to have our best interests at heart.

Something else that can happen for 'conscious people' on their journey to wholeness is they can get obsessed with working on themselves.

Nothing is ever ok for long, there is this 'piece' to work with, dark feedback to be had, or shadow to eat.

I get it, I have been there and christ, its exhausting and it just keeps us in a perpetual cycle of not enough-ness, making is hyper-focussed on what's not ok, what needs fixing, what is wrong - and our brains get hard wired to look for this.

What most of us need support with is to seek ways of feeling and embodying states of being that are connected to our goodness, our wholeness, our divinity. When we do this our entire neurology and physiology begins to shift and our 'traumas' re-organise themselves around that, eventually unwinding all together.

This is not a spiritual bypass ignore all your s**t approach- this is - with presence embodying these states, feeling and anchoring them into our physiology and being present to what's happening through our direct experience as we do that.

I am really happy to be re-launching my facilitation career and I am teaming up with some wonderful people to ensure high quality, well held experiences. In all of these experiences there is a value for high level level of care, responsibility and good ethics.

I love the magic that can happen when we gather together with shared intentions for growth and healing- something really magical can happen when we come together in this way. And I am passionate about created spaces BEYOND the LGAT system.

IF YOURE CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT I'M SAYING HERE Luna Agneya AND I ARE HOSTING A LIVE TODAY to speak into these themes.

8PM NZST : 8AM UK : 9AM CET

And if you're curious about the events I am involved with I invite you to take a look at these offerings and see if any of them speak to you, if so I'd love to see you there!! https://www.ellie-wilde.com/events

I will also be offering some smaller local events on Waiheke Island keep an eye on my website for those, coming out soon!

Please reach out if you have any questions or have any comments with what I've shared

Upcoming events Oct 25 to 28 Oct Intimacy Fest NZ Fri, 25 Oct 2024 4:00 pm Mon, 28 Oct 2024 1:00 pm Google Calendar ICS Gain real, applicable tools to deepen the connection in all your relationships.Safely lean into your edges of self-expression, vulnerability and honesty.Experience being seen, felt...

02/10/2024

https://mailchi.mp/31ec68f8241b/whats-wrong-with-pushing-people-to-crack-and-why-digging-for-your-stuff-can-leave-you-high-and-dryWhy I favour a trauma informed nervous system attuned way of healing over intensity, push, force and trying to make people 'crack'?

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21/09/2024

Whilst not being an astrologist, I do take an interest in what’s happening up there in the cosmos, and also the cycles and seasons of our earth as it moves around the sun.

Each month I like to take a moment at the new moon to reset, and begin again as another lunar cycle begins.

Its a tradition for me to set a new intention- even if its just a word for the next 28 days, just to be with and to notice that theme in my life.

(This has become especially important for me now that I no longer have a monthly menstrual cycle. It’s a way to ground, to clarify and to focus on what’s important to me at this time.)

This month my word is magic.

I believe in magic.

I know the mystical (which feels magical to me)intimately and have, ever since a child, had mystical and magical experiences. Lucky me!

It’s also been an interest of mine, as an adult, to delve into the mystical realms exploring more of who I am as a multi-dimensional creature able to engage with life on many levels of reality.

Since many years now I have been on the path of the feminine mystic, exploring that the mystical not only dwells within the otherworldly places of transcendence but also within immanence, an earthly embodied spirituality - through the vehicle of our body, the senses, and in the everyday moments, tuning into the earth, it’s seasons and cycles and to the moon and the rest of the cosmos, as it impacts us and moves with us through our lives.

Rather than just having a separate spiritual practice, our spirituality can be woven into how we experience life, and not in a zen like spiritual bypass kind way, or even just through mindfulness, more like actually letting life in, endeavouring each moment to feel how life impacts how it touches us.

We can do this by slowing down fully inhabiting the body (like really inhabiting the body at times, there is a vast universe of intelligence in there, a different way of knowing and perceiving life) and the senses.

As someone who can tend to get stuck in her head and to experience life being stuck in my thoughts this is a conscious practice of keeping coming back to my senses and experiencing this life more INTIMATELY (another theme that's in my life at the moment).

This equinox which is happening 22nd Sept (Spring for us in the Southern Hemisphere) is also another moment to perhaps pause and reset. We just had a new moon in the sensitive and mystical sign of Pisces (my sun sign) which also marked the beginning of an eclipse cycle (which according to the limited research I have done - is a portal in time where things can become intensified, sped up, and an opportunity to transform.) As the equinox draws near we also enter Libra which deals to our relationship with other (that can be anything that we are in relationship with) . As always around equinox there is this energy of balance, and equality as the light and the dark become equal. It’s a point in time when there is equal night and day.

It’s so easy (for me at least and maybe you too) to get stuck in the getting things done mode to lose contact with what it is that’s important on a deeper level, to forget to take stock of how you are actually doing inside, to become distracted by what doesn’t actually really matter. In other words it’s so easy to become intimately disconnected with things just going through life on auto pilot and yet somewhere deep down something is gnawing at you and at me!

We may be conscious of this or not.

Intimacy, as I said,is a theme for me right now. And apparently it’s the season for it, according to the astrological websites I subscribe to. It’s a chance to look at our relationship to giving and receiving, what is holding us back from true intimacy? Are we afraid of others and avoiding relationship, or are we an over giver and are drained? A chance to reassess what love means to us, what we value in our connection to others and also to life.

Maybe it’s because of an upcoming project I am in with Booda and O’brien IntimacyFest (small promo moment if you haven’t heard about what we are doing end of Oct - www.intimacyfest.com https://www.facebook.com/events/1184540639222527) but actually intimacy is something that has always intrigued me.

Maybe because it’s something that has sometimes felt illusive to me. At times when I’m feeling low and wondering why on earth I bang on about intimacy and connection, wondering maybe if its all my stuff and everyone else out there has it sorted, and then when I’m feeling more empowered realising no, people really want and need more spaces to explore this stuff and I feel more fuelled to continue with these endeavours of my heart, both in my private and professional life.

I’m not just meaning s@xual intimacy or even emotional intimacy but something that has been moving in me since the dawn of my spiritual awakening which was don’t know when , maybe when I was born?

Is the intimacy of being alive.

Maybe I’m an existentialist but...

what is it this life?

And how do we suck the most out of it, and revel in its beauty more? Or how can I give more of myself whilst here on this precious earth?

To me intimacy is what makes me realise I’m alive, it wakes me up from the slumber. Those moments of true intimacy are what makes life come to life more(if that makes sense).

And I do believe that our dominant over culture is disconnecting us from the intimacy of life.

In my younger years I was always in rebellion to this dominant over culture, today I see it just as something we have to contend with and there are things we can do to counteract it. One of which is to realise how it is impacting us, our connection to ourselves, to our relationships, and to our experience of life.

So that is my existential ramble for the day, a little about my present enquiry into magic and to the theme of intimacy.

Maybe I am looking for looking for something magical to happen from this post? More intimacy to happen here in FB land and in my relationship with you here on my page?

So if you feel inclined, please, I am curious how is this moment in time and these themes around intimacy impacting you?

07/08/2024

Intimacy festival a small intimate festival than runs more like a retreat. - https://mailchi.mp/f12a30c83db9/intimacy-festival-a-small-intimate-festival-than-runs-more-like-a-retreat-20229482/Users/eleanorjanewilde/Desktop/Untitled design.jpeg

23/07/2024

For those of you in the London area or able to travel to London, I am offering few in-person sessions . My sessions are a mixture of Somatic S*xology and Somatic Trauma Resolution.

Here are some of things I have previously helped clients with:

Here are some of the things I have supported previous clients with:

-Moving through relationship transitions and break-ups

-Healing from past sexual abuse, sexual trauma, sexual assault

-
-Healing from early developmental trauma and experiencing post-traumatic-growth

-
-Healing patterns of dissociation and disconnection sexually and emotionally

-Healing and nervous system repair – moving from stress and anxiety to resilience & joy

-Support during the transition of menopause – finding your own unique way.

More info here https://tantralink.com/somatic-sexologists/ellie-wilde/

What some of my clients are saying:

Caitlyn Cook, Embodied Healing Coach

“These are tools for intensity, not just 'trauma'. Life is intense sometimes and this work can help you not to capsize and lose your balance. It helps you to stay solid, even with your roots in the mud, so you can keep growing and truly be alive.”

Elisa Caro, S*x & Intimacy Coach

“Working with Ellie Wilde has been truly life-changing. She has a remarkable ability to delve deeply into trauma and the nervous system. Through her approach, I have successfully overcome limiting beliefs and patterns that had previously kept me feeling stuck.”

I am a Somatic S*xologist and Trauma Resolution Coach. I offer a therapeutic & somatic approach to the deep and gentle work of moving beyond habitual & adaptive survival strategies that are no longer serving and rediscover life beyond those patterns of behaviour.

25/06/2024

Join intimacyfest now and receive 10% off with the code INTIMACY . Intimacy fest is an intimate retreat style festival - designed to exercise your intimacy muscle and build your people skills.

24/06/2024

I'm very excited to be part of the co-creation of this event initiated by Gayatri Beegan and Catherine Hale: Nervous system healing and expansion : Emergent Eros - later on this summer in August . Check it out!
If you've been hanging around on my page a while you'll know I am passionate about creating a safer and more ethical way for people to explore their sexuality/sensuality/aliveness in the group space.
The Neo-tantra world had a much needed shake up, what is emerging out of that shake up is a movement of teachers and practitioners who CARE more deeply about the experience the seeker is having and feel dedicated to creating spaces where:
- the nervous system isn't bypassed
- Transformation and healing are possible in doable amounts that can be integrated
- permission and possibility are encouraged AND so is moving a pace where we can be with all parts of ourselves
- your are welcomed in whatever experience you're having
-sexuality is sacred
- we go at the pace of the slowest
- We are in the enquiry of how to go slow whilst also invite spontaneity aliveness and desire
- Ethical protocols are upheld by those in power.
-There is a culture of care rather than reliance on sovereignty alone.
- There is time to digest and process.
- There is space for the unknown and we are listening to the field.
I am so excited, thrilled and also feeling calm and ready to be part of this emergent field.
Will you be joining us?

21/06/2024

https://mailchi.mp/ed3fd1720c3c/our-intimacy-muscle-is-weaklets face it our intimacy muscle is weak. How many of us project onto the other what we think they are thinking and feeling and what their experience IS - rather than actually asking, being curious and caring about their experience!?

20/06/2024

Hello World, well Facebook world that is.

I'm reaching out through the thick sluggish blanket of my freeze response towards Facebook Social Media to share with you something of my heart and also share with you one of the projects I am involved with this year.

I'm back in the UK.

It's been 5 years since I was here.

A lot happened during that time and I find myself as a slightly different person here in the UK.

Appreciating everything so much more after 5 years of not being here.

In this 5 years I also have done a lot deeper nervous system work, and stepped away from a community where I was consistently gaslit, and where the relational field was not a priority.

Now I find myself more curious about my impact on others. Listening more deeply, taking in my surroundings more.

And much more.

Our ability to form strong lasting bonds with others and create a sense of identity belonging and community is so vital for our health and well-being. I'm sure this isn't news to you.

But how many of us are capable of that?

Our intimacy muscle is stunted by the culture we have grown up in which favours hyper individualism and negates leaning on others as a weakness.

We bolster and protect ourselves with an armour of independence and capability even when we are exhausted.

We fear Intimacy

We don't know how to ask for what we want - we have either lost touch with it or feel incapable of receiving it even when its offered.

Am I the only one who has experienced this?

I have found it so hard to deeply relax and feel safe with others.

I have lost myself in relating, had poor boundaries, over extended myself and then felt resentful.

I have been unsure of where my limits were and didn't know how to pick up on the queues in my body that were indicating my limits let alone voice a limit or boundary.

In my experience this is slow, bit by bit subtle work which must include the body and is not a concept we can just get from a 2 hr consent and boundaries workshop.
We have to feel it in our physiology and heal and transform the deep ingrained patterns that make it hard for us to listen to our limits.

It is our togetherness that makes us stronger, but we have to learn how to be together without having barriers to connection or being too permeable and losing ourselves, our lives depend on it, literally.

For many of us we love intimacy and connection when our counterpart is agreeable, when we think the same, or have the same experience and opinion.

But how many of us know how to skilfully hold difference and maintain connection?

Be in disagreement and still feel connection?

Maintain boundaries and still feel connection?

Respect difference and maintain connection?

How many of us project onto the other what they are thinking and feeling and what there experience is rather than actually asking and getting curious and caring!?

Lets be honest for many of us our intimacy muscle is weak.

That is why I am passionate about this event, and we are bringing across the pacific to New Zealand .

Its has happened 5 times already in California now it's NZ's turn.

Big shout out to Dave Booda for founding this event in the first place. And Janet Stott and Jil Ob for helping to make it happen here in NZ!

The you know what is in the you know what.

I would love to see you there.

Photo a local canal near where I was born where I was walking with my Dad

28/03/2024

A friend sent through this piece of writing about ‘the change’ or some people call it the great pause.

What most people talk about around it is the hot flushes but tbh that’s the least of it and yo me not really what ‘the change is all about’

This article speaks to the intense journey of reclaiming yourself that menopause can incite and imho it is actually meant to do that.

For many of us without the cultural traditions of rites of passage , ritual and ceremony this transition can be lonely and we may not garner its gold because we’re too busy just getting through.

That’s why I’m holding a retreat, an intimate journey for 6 women in the beautiful south of Nz in late autumn.

We have the luxury of a long wknd to co-create ritual, and in our devotional presence receive the blessings and wisdom that is available to us.

You do not need to be in menopause to explore this journey .

You may be in the early stages of peri-menopause. I think this journey will be great preparation for what is coming if that’s the case.

The journey is about Following the red thread of your life’s journey, embodying more deeply Maga, or Sorceress, the Autumnal Queen.

If you are reaching this stage in your journey as a woman and would like to discover more of that which is in the alchemical fires of this stage in your life.

You have a desire to be togther with other women on the sane same but different journey.

I welcome you

Link in comments

Pls dm if you have any questions

‘Nothing can prepare you for this.’ Mary Ruefle on menopause.