27/04/2023
Has it happened to be in a public space and your 2 or 3 year old child has a tantrum? To be in a supermarket and your child falls on the floor because you don't want to buy him a bag of sweets and scream as hard as he can? Or visiting someone and your child starts knocking objects on the floor or hitting the host's child? How did you manage to resolve the situation when he didn't want to stop even when you raised your voice or mentioned that he wouldn't be allowed to... How did you react? How did you manage to calm the child?
If we better understand what happens in the child's brain at this age, we will be able to adapt our actions and reactions to the child's needs, to help him grow harmoniously and balanced.
As the child grows, he reaches some stages of cognitive development through which new capacities and functions are marked, but which also bring periods of adaptation to the new acquisitions and cognitive and functional transformations, which the child is not ready to face and these behavior problems can appear. Something similar happens in adolescence.
Around the age of 18-36 months, so not only at 2 years, many physical, mental and emotional skills develop, the child begins to imitate what those around him do, evaluates his independence . The child is in a stage of development in which he discovers himself as an individual, develops his personality distinct from that of the mother or the person who constantly cared for him. But this period is often marked by several fits of anger, sudden mood swings, defiant behavior, and sometimes frustration . He starts saying "no" even when he agrees to something you've asked him to do, to test the limits. Even now, speech and language are developing, but not enough, and sometimes the child cannot express in the right words what he feels or what he wants, which causes frustration.
It is essential at this stage of development to encourage emotional expression. Teach your child that it is okay to show feelings, such as anger or sadness, in an appropriate way without hurting others or themselves. Emotions must be felt, and thus the body and mind are freed from their energy. If we suppress them, with words like: "It's not ok to cry, please stop...", "Let it pass...", we leave the child with the impression that his feelings are not important and we do nothing but prepare the ground for somatizations and other emotional problems.
During a tantrum, as a parent you have to be the calm in the middle of the storm. First of all, you have to take a few minutes to calm down, to understand that you don't have to react because it's not about you, then you physically get down to the child's level, look him in the eyes and empathize with the child, and initiate a discussion by asking l what happened. Then you can reflect his feelings, saying something like: "I understand that you want to.../ that it's not easy to.... but..." We name the EMOTION that the child feels, to help him understand what he feels and put in words that thing. This without insisting too much during a crisis, because anyway the child's brain does not process information at that moment, on a rational level, only emotion. That's why we try to calm the child with a hug, with the deviation of the thought through play, or by our simple presence next to him until he calms down. We are waiting for the wave of emotions to pass. AND THIS IS HOW WE BEHAVIOR EVEN IF WE ARE IN A PUBLIC PLACE. If we succeed, we withdraw with the child to a more private place, if not, we care about the good of the child, not the opinions of those around.
As I said, during this period the child copies the behavior of the parents and those around them. So the best thing to demonstrate to the child is your emotional regulation. At a subconscious level, the child will take over the parent's mood and coping methods. If mom or dad reacts angrily to an unpleasant incident, or always fights, this child will learn that he has to do the same. On the other hand, if the parent puts into words what he feels, for example by saying: "Mommy is very upset now that the car broke down and we can't get to the grandparents anymore. My heart beats faster and I want to shout, but I need a few moments to calm down, I choose to breathe deeply until I count to 10 and then we will try to find a solution" The child will thus see a healthy model of emotional regulation. And if sometimes we make a mistake, and shout at the child or react inappropriately, we apologize and explain that we did not act correctly.
As he grows, the child will learn to verbalize and regulate his emotions, and if the parent is aware of the value of that moment, and will pay attention to the child's emotional need, then he will be able to prevent a tantrum. Just as we teach a child to express his physiological needs, it is equally important to teach him to recognize and talk about emotions and feelings.
Now more than ever, the child needs to be understood and loved, calmly and patiently, with hugs instead of punishments and with empathy instead of arguments. Because he still cannot reason and express in words what he feels, and the brain mainly uses behavior or somatization. The child still wants and needs the attention of the mother and the father , even though he is going through this phase of independence, and will seek that attention - positive or negative - by any means possible. So talk to him a lot, involve him in the daily activities of the house, encourage him when he manages to complete something, even if it's not perfect. He will thus gain confidence in his own strength and will no longer look for validation from the outside.
At this age, children love the daily routine, because it gives them security. If you go on vacation or there is a change in family life (the birth of a brother/sister, the return of the mother to work, ...) the child must be prepared in advance, and the easiest way to do this is through a role-playing game with some small animals plus who excitedly tell each other about what will happen next. Thus, the child's brain will have time to process and be already exposed to the idea of change.
At this stage of development, it is also necessary not to give in to the pressure and to continue setting clear limits, but in which we give the child the feeling of control, by offering options from which to choose. For example, when we want to ask him to get dressed, we say: "Ok, what blouse do you want to wear now? The yellow one or the one with teddy bears?" or before going to bed: "It's time to go to bed now. Do you want to read a story after we brush your teeth, or do you want me to give you a massage?" If you allow the child to make small decisions throughout the day, you give him a certain level of positive power, which can reduce negative behavior and power struggles.
I teach various psycho-somatic methods in my sessions, which can also be used as relaxation/calming methods in times of crying or tantrums. But they must be practiced every evening, before going to bed, when the child is calm, so that he is used to them, and reacts positively when needed. One of the easiest and most attractive for children is called "Let's smell the pizza" (you can change it to something more neutral, for example let's smell a flower, etc.)
1. The two palms are held together, imagining that we are holding a slice of pizza.
2. Inhale deeply, as deeply as we can, as if we were savoring the smell of pizza.
3. Exhale quickly and completely, as if blowing to cool a slice of pizza.
4. Repeat at least 5 times.
A round of spontaneous tickling works just as well, which releases negative tension and diverts the mind from the crisis, or some funny faces to make the child laugh.
By playing and being patient, many problems can be solved!
