10/08/2025
For a long time in my life I had serious abandonment issues.
But maybe the real problem was this.
That I spent way too much time worrying about what people thought about me and whether I fit in.
But in doing so, wasn't I just doing the very thing I was afraid of right from the very stop?
Abandoning myself for the sake of others, so I wouldn't be abandoned by them?
I guess a part of me always knew this.
And perhaps that was the part of me that was this deeply angry and resentful teen.
A chameleon of sorts, a popular wannabe.
Prioritising likes and friend counts more than I actually valued myself.
--
I had a nostalgic conversation about this with someone dear just only recently.
What sparked this was this empty feeling in me, strangely arising again.
The part of me that remembers a deep sense of a void.
And when I reflected on this empty feeling, it brought me back to this boy.
And as a slip of a tongue, I even called this version of me "trash".
That's rather harsh, that's rather mean.
It was only later that I reflected on this myself.
But this boy in me was really just doing all that he can.
Living in fear of abandonment and rejection so much so that he abandoned himself.
--
To this younger boy still in me, I'm sorry I abandoned you in the past too.
Thank you for showing up and reminding me of the things we went through.
Here, let me show you how much we've left this burden behind us too.
No longer silencing ourselves, but being authentically ourselves, all of the time and as much as we can.
And look, even though we didn't expect it, we learned that we could we loved for ourselves.
So that's just it okay?
Same for you out there too.
For what's wrong with being a messy imperfect human?
As long as we stay kind and vulnerable, I think we could be messes who are there for each other too :)
Take care,
Hernping
🏡
