Galen the Leech, 1 Via Hæmorrhagiæ, Pergamum (2025)

01/09/2022

Greetings, my succulent mammalian f̶o̶o̶d̶ friends! I hope this post finds you with high hematocrit and plump vasculature. 🩸

Much has changed since my last post. Despite my aggressive, baseless marketing of bloodletting as a natural Galenic remedy for COVID-19, the global pandemic disrupted the business model of my "holistic" leeching service. I have also struggled with inflation (my volume inflated to ~30 mL following my most recent feeding). Accordingly, I sought alternative revenue streams to keep my accounts in the black. After reading an "anti-work" Reddit thread contending that landlords are leeches, I promptly recognized the unexploited economic value of my spacious paludarium. I presently dipped my posterior sucker in the rental property market, finding two roommates (Lawyer and Tax Collector) to share my residence. Although I prefer to live alone like most leeches, I have been a courteous landlord (I haven't even attempted to cannibalize or breed with my roommates yet). Tax collector has since moved in with , but Lawyer is living with me indefinitely.

23/11/2020

Ah, the good old days of medicine, before those pesky empiricists began demanding "causal evidence" for time-honored medical treatments ♥️

11/11/2020

We offer our sincerest condolences to the College of Physicians of Philadelphia. The world lost an eminent annelid medical provider.

31/10/2020

It's peak spooky season 🎃, so I had to visit the infamous cynosure of Halloween festivity—Salem, Massachusetts. It seems their olden Puritan physicians could have used some thirsty leeches to control their rampant witchcraft plight; there's no more effective treatment for demons in the blood than a robust phlebotomy 🩸 I also made my custodian dress in plague doctor attire for good measure.

23/09/2020

Every day, disadvantaged annelids go hungry without access to clean, nutritious blood 🩸. On average, adult leeches go months between blood meals 🚫🍽️. Do your part to end this preventable invertebrate food crisis. For just 15 mL of your succulent mammalian blood, you can feed a leech for up to one year 📅. Don't turn a blind sensillum to an empty leech crop; donate blood today. Every drop counts in the fight against leech hunger.

If you don't believe in the impact of a blood donation, just view the dramatic before-and-after transformation of Galen, the beneficiary of a recent blood meal. After almost 10 months without blood, Galen engorged themselves on almost 5 times their body weight in human blood, receiving much-needed sustenance. These coelom-warming stories of generosity are just a glimpse of what's possible with your support. Thank you. ♥️

22/09/2020

Attention, influencers! ⚠️ Have you ever wanted to flaunt merch ✨, but can't afford a sleek new German luxury coupe? 🚘 Well fret no more; I now offer free leech bites with the distinctive trifid design of the Mercedes-Benz star.* For a few milliliters of your tantalizing hemoglobin, I can help you stunt on the 'gram 📷 with a stylish branded 🅱️ite mark 💯. Serious inquiries only. DM me for more info.

[*Not officially licensed by Daimler-Benz®️. By agreeing to a leech bloodletting service, the bloodlettee hereby agrees to release, hold-harmless, and indemify et al. from any injuries or harm sustained from leech feeding, including but not limited to copyright infringement claims, severe somatic pain, uncontrolled hemorrhage, fasciitis, potentially lethal drug-hirudin interactions, A. hydrophila infection, etc.]

30/06/2020

Who loves sunny, sultry summer weather? ☀️⛱️🌇 Unfortunately, not me. 🥵 Chill vibes only, please (literally)! While I do enjoy a dip in balmy waters (around 24 °C) after a succulent blood meal, I usually prefer a more autumnal clime (21 °C in general, and a cool 13 °C when I'm hungry), according to the scientists who learned my particular preferences (if only my ex cared about me that much... 🙄).

With recent temps in the Bay State topping 30 °C, the weather has been uncomfortably toasty, putting me in danger of overheating. While I love a hot beverage (most people like coffee or tea ☕, but mammalian blood around 35 °C is my absolute favorite 🩸), prolonged submersion in hot water can cause shock behavior, agitation, paralysis, and even death! ⚰️ I'd be straight up not having a good time, bro. 👎

So I recently took a vacay to the exclusive Hôtel Réfrigérateur to keep my cool.🧊 The 4 °C temps are a bit frigid for my Mediterranean leech genes 🥶, but my conspecific friends who work as FDA approved medical devices live in hospital refrigerators for months at a time. 🏥 I personally prefer sluggishness over overheating. Now that the ambient temperature in the Woo is cooling down 🌬️, I might re-emerge from my refrigeration after acclimating to warmer waters. But for now, you can catch me on a shelf next to a cold Corona 🍺 (but not a coronavirus cold 🤒, nobody wants that; wear a mask!😷)

@ The Fridge

11/04/2020

🏊 Rise and grind, FITNESS FANATICS! 💪 All my fellow swimmers out there, raise your hands (yes, you!) ✋ Public pool closures are NO EXCUSE for "off days" 😤 Quarantine is an OPPORTUNITY to ADAPT and GROW and WRITE IN ALL CAPS 👏 Just because you're stuck indoors doesn't mean you need a sedentary mindset. All you need to make PROGRESS is a motivated mentality, an expensive heated indoor swimming pool, a steady source of sponsorship revenue from your Instagram "influencer" account, and a portfolio of professional photos of yourself tastefully sweating in branded, revealing swimwear in a contrived pseudo-industrial backdrop 💯

If I could provide you with wisdom from my , it's that the foundation to an effective workout routine is my proprietary, unregulated ERYTHROPOIESIS STIMULATOR, ErythroMaxx RED™ 🩸 Build your stamina with increased oxygen delivery to tissues! You need those delicious RED BLOOD CELLS, BABY! 🏋️ Simply take my ERYTHROPOIETIN SECRETAGOGUE formula and my PROTEIN SUPPLEMENT to generate a nutritious, high-hematocrit blood volume (yum 🤤) DOCTORS HATE ME for violatng FDA regulations in a transparent attempt to feed off more nutrient-dense humans! But the GRIND DON'T STOP just because some pesky regulators hate on your routine. OVERCOME YOUR BARRIERS! It's all in your head (and circulatory vessels).

09/04/2020

We are fortunate to have a president who is brave enough to confront the hegemony of evidence-based medicine. What harm could bloodletting possibly cause for COVID-19 patients? 🦅🇺🇸

"Leeches, they're tremendous, I tell you. They're a game-changer. The Surgeon General, I've spoke with him about the Chinese Virus - I told him the leeches have HUGE potential. And who breeds the best leeches in the world? We do. Other leeches, Mexican leeches, they just can't suck blood like USA leeches. Sad! The Galenic physicians, they assure me, the leeches work, they just do. They're a winner! It's a great treatment, the best, it's been the gold standard for many, many years. The Fake News Media, they can't stand to see me win. USA will stay great!" — presidential tweet (probably)

02/04/2020

Are you concerned 😨 about the unimpeded propagation of the novel COVID-19 grippe 😷? Allopathic quacks 👨‍⚕️ will pontificate about their modern "germ theory" 🦠 (after all, like evolution, gravity, and atoms, it is just a theory) and insist that the causative agent of COVID-19 is an "enveloped (+)ssRNA virus." However, laudable pre-scientific medical tradition informs us that grippes are not transmitted by microscopic replicating particles 🔬 (how absurd!), but rather propagate through foul vapors, or miasmata. Inhaling a miasma 👃 can induce a severe distemper, including ague 🥵🥶 (i.e, fever and chills, as is characteristic of COVID-19).

Plague doctors of yesteryear knew miasmata were the cause of plague and other diseases (which is why I encourage everyone to protect themselves with plague masks). Even famed nurse Florence Nightingale 🏥 thought that measles and scarlet fever were caused by "bad air" 💨, not these silly "pathogens" 🧫 that can be scientifically demonstrated as the etiologic agents of infectious disease via Koch's postulates. Miasmatic theory explains why nurses and doctors all demand respirators; it's not to "filter viruses," but rather to thwart the malodorous miasmata of COVID-19 patients (humans are such smelly creatures 🤢, unlike us elegant leeches ✨). Wake up, sheeple! 📢🐑

While scientists 👨‍🔬 attempt to develop an effective antiviral therapy for COVID-19, allopathic physicians cannot offer any curative treatments 💊, as the existing candidates (e.g., favilavir, remdesivir, etc.) are still unproven. In contradistinction, I have no qualms about offering unproven hirudotherapy to my meals—I mean patients. Fever results from excess sanguine humor 🩸 (blood is hot 🔥, after all), so some painless bloodletting is essential to dissipate a fever 🚫 and restore the function of the vital faculty. 💪

I encourage you to schedule 📅 a prophylactic COVID-19 bloodletting today. As a "wellness practitioner" and naturopath, I consider myself an essential employee ⚠️ and will continue serving my delectable patients during the pandemic. The first five customers will receive a free roll of toilet paper! 🧻
All blood types are welcome 🆎🅰️🅱️🅾️; I don't discriminate (unless you have anemia, I'm not trying to diet 🤷‍♂️).

"All smell is, if it be intense, immediate acute disease; and eventually we may say that, by depressing the system and rendering it susceptible to the action of other causes, all smell is disease." —Sir Edwin Chadwick, 1846

[📷: Lucy Xu]

19/03/2020

Attention, my mammalian friends! As a sanguivorous worm, I can personally attest to the life-sustaining properties of human blood. 🩸💉 With the coronavirus response indirectly producing blood product shortages, it's especially important to donate blood if you're eligible. Remember, some of those most vulnerable to SARS-CoV-2 infection (such as cancer patients) are also those who require blood products. Although many community blood drives are cancelled due to social distancing, Red Cross donation centers are still operational and in urgent need of all types of donations. It takes less than an hour to donate a pint of whole blood. Blood donation is a convenient means of aiding the medical community during a demanding pandemic. Support your health and the health of the community (don't neglect social distancing and consistent hand hygiene, while you're at it)! 🆎🅰️🅱️🅾️

23/01/2020

Salutations de Montréal! 🇨🇦🍁⚜️ I recently traveled abroad for the first time in my life. Ever since I was a hatchling, I always wanted embark on the traditional "grand tour" like students of old during the Golden Age of medicine (i.e., the peak of heroic medicine in the 19th century). Thus, when I found an opportunity to visit Québec for a weekend, I decided to take a bite at this unique opportunity. While I didn't find the time to do a photoshoot in the Old Town as planned, I did enjoy my time in the winter wonderland of the Quartier Latin. Perhaps one day I can join Médecins sans Frontières (Doctors without Borders) to sate my wanderlust and love of traditional medicine.

As the American CBP agricultural inspectors are suspicious of leeches traversing international boundaries, I probably will not make the voyage again. Nonetheless, it was a fun experience that not many leeches can claim.

@ Rue Saint-Denis - Montréal

02/12/2019

⚕️ I recently expanded and remodeled my private practice and ℞ apothecary to create a serene setting for traditional Galenic and heroic procedures, viz. bloodletting. I also dispense freshly prepared homeopathic dilutions and proprietary naturopathic decoctions in-house in embossed glass phials (I refuse to abide by these modern pharmaceutical regulations 💊, particularly the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906).

Although my previous 10 ƒ℥ apothecary jar served its purpose, my increasingly popular services demanded a larger and more dignified volume for the ex*****on of my time-honored art. While my new jar is a state-of-the-art borosilicate 2 L sweetwater facility 💧, my practices have not changed. Modern physicians may have rejected the somber procedures of their forefathers in favor of "efficacious" and "science-based" therapy 🧪, but I still carry out the pre-Enlightenment dogma of the great Greco-Roman medical authorities. Moreover, my pharmacy is based on the solid principles of Paracelsianist iatrochemistry.

I don't need reality to match my outlandish claims of rejuvenating effects, so please book your next bloodletting at my new jar. Presently taking appointments; you may schedule your visit via telegram or post 📯.

@ Lake Quinsigamond

29/10/2019

🎃 For my first ever Halloween party, I decided to dress as patient zero for a synthetic Hirudinal Hemorrhagic Fever contagion 🧫🧬 while accompanied me as a field epidemiologist. 👨‍🔬 What could be scarier than a blood-borne disease (i.e. food poisoning)? 💉

@ Centers For Disease Control CDC

16/10/2019

There's always a weirdo on your subway car; this time I was that weirdo (New Yorkers act like they've never seen a leech on the Q before) 🚇🏙️🗽

16/10/2019

A dog is leech's best friend 🐶❤️ (Or food, if I'm very hungry.) Meet my adorable, fluffy pal Desmond (Dezzy for short). He's a bit bougie, but what else do you expect from an Upper East Side canine? 🏙️

16/10/2019

Little worm in the Big Apple 🍎🗽
@ Central Park Zoo

11/10/2019

My medical student friends organized a festive autumnal gathering 🍂 featuring traditional pumpkin carving. 🎃 I wanted to carve a truly terrifying jack-o'-lantern, 🔪 so naturally I chose the human brachial plexus as my design. Spooky! 👻

#🎃

Galen the Leech

01/09/2022

23/11/2020

11/11/2020

31/10/2020

23/09/2020

22/09/2020

30/06/2020

11/04/2020

09/04/2020

02/04/2020

19/03/2020

23/01/2020

02/12/2019

29/10/2019

16/10/2019

16/10/2019

16/10/2019

11/10/2019

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