Petro Kholiavchuk, emotional intelligence and conflict facilitation expert

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Petro Kholiavchuk, emotional intelligence and conflict facilitation expert Emotional Intelligence training programs, facilitating conflicts

Demanding or Dismissive?When high standards aren’t paired with the ability to acknowledge achievements — our own and oth...
17/05/2025

Demanding or Dismissive?

When high standards aren’t paired with the ability to acknowledge achievements — our own and others’ — when there’s no positive feedback, no gratitude, no empathy toward others, and no self-compassion, then demandingness turns into pressure. And ultimately, into devaluation.

A demanding person is usually just as harsh on themselves. As a result, everyone suffers — both those around them and the person themselves.

07/04/2025

English: Who is a “processed” person?

Psychologists, psychotherapists, and people with therapy experience sometimes use the slang term “processed” when talking about someone.
It’s usually said about a person who, through therapy, has developed certain traits that set them apart:
• They pay more attention to their own feelings and needs, seeing them as a kind of roadmap;
• In communication, they share their emotions more openly and assertively, and express their needs — which significantly improves the quality of their relationships.

This list isn’t complete, but it’s the first thing that comes to my mind when someone asks: “What is a processed person?”

What changes have you noticed in yourself? Feel free to share, if it’s not too personal.

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Français : C’est quoi une personne « travaillée » ?

Les psychologues, les psychothérapeutes et les personnes ayant suivi une thérapie utilisent parfois le terme familier « travaillée » pour parler de quelqu’un.
On parle ainsi d’une personne qui, grâce à la thérapie, a développé certaines qualités qui la distinguent des autres :
• Elle prête plus d’attention à ses émotions et à ses besoins, les percevant comme une sorte de carte routière ;
• Dans ses relations, elle partage ses émotions avec plus d’ouverture et d’assurance, et exprime ses besoins — ce qui change profondément la qualité de ses liens avec les autres.

Cette liste n’est pas exhaustive, mais c’est la première chose qui me vient en tête quand on me demande : « C’est quoi une personne travaillée ? »

Et vous, quels changements avez-vous remarqués en vous ? Partagez, si ce n’est pas trop personnel.


06/01/2025

AN OBSESSION WITH SUCCESS IS A SYMPTOM OF LOSING INNER DIRECTION.
If your environment is filled with ‘achievers,’ try an experiment: ask one of them, ‘Why is it so important for you to succeed in everything?’
Most likely, you’ll see confusion — because they usually don’t have a real answer. Their true motivation often remains unconscious.

03/01/2025

“THE DALE CARNEGIE COMPLEX”
This term is sometimes used in the vocabulary of psychotherapists. What does it mean?

If we reduce Carnegie’s principles to just two recommendations, they would sound something like this:
1. Simulate interest in the person you want to use or manipulate over an extended period.
2. Focus on the other person’s expectations, do what they like, and pretend you enjoy it too.

This philosophy is based on the belief that, as I am, I cannot be liked by others, and my natural behavior will trigger rejection in them. This, essentially, is the philosophy of a neurotic.
The philosophy of a healthy person is built on striving to be oneself and forming relationships that allow both partners to remain true to themselves.

So, if we were to honestly express the ideas behind the title of the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, it would sound like this: “How to Abandon Yourself to Use Other People.”
But from a marketing standpoint, such a title wouldn’t really help sell the book, would it?














25/11/2024

SELF-DEMAND: THE DRIVING FORCE OF SUCCESS OR A SOURCE OF DISSATISFACTION?

Excessive self-demand can lead to high achievements. At the same time, it often causes chronic dissatisfaction with oneself. The self-assessment scale of such a person usually ranges between “complete failure” and “ordinary.” However, the option “completely satisfied with my achievements” is absent from this scale. While others may admire the achievements of such a person, they themselves remain entirely dissatisfied or, at best, partially satisfied.

In a way, excessive self-demand is a demand for perfection, which can never truly be achieved.

A simple explanation for the nature of excessive self-demand lies in a lack of self-acceptance. To accept oneself as one is means not demanding perfection, but it does not exclude striving for it.

Compare “demanding perfection from oneself” and “striving for perfection.” The former brings much dissatisfaction, tension, a sense of inadequacy, and even masochism. The latter offers inner peace and satisfaction from the process of moving toward perfection.

19/11/2024

ENG: The goal of psychotherapy is to restore a person’s inner freedom.
This means reclaiming the right to act in harmony with one’s feelings and needs, while understanding and accepting oneself as they are.

FR: Le but de la psychothérapie est de redonner à une personne sa liberté intérieure.
Cela signifie retrouver le droit d’agir en accord avec ses émotions et ses besoins, tout en se comprenant et en s’acceptant tel qu’on est.

15/11/2024

ENG: AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE? Really?

Nowadays, the idea of taking 100% responsibility for your life and everything that happens in it is popular. But what are the consequences of such a philosophy?

A person who overestimates their ability to influence their own life is prone to feeling guilty and has a harder time accepting their failures, harshly blaming themselves for them. This often leads to compulsive and exhausting attempts to control every aspect of their life, ultimately causing chronic tension and anxiety.

The phrase “everything in my life depends on me” is often associated with neurotic thinking.

However, the ability to acknowledge that “not everything that happens in my life is the result of my actions and depends on me” allows one to better cope with life’s difficulties and personal failures, reduces stress, and enables moving toward goals with more inner peace.

FR: SUIS-JE RESPONSABLE DE TOUT CE QUI SE PASSE DANS MA VIE ? Vraiment ?

Aujourd’hui, l’idée de prendre 100% de responsabilité pour sa vie et tout ce qui s’y passe est populaire. Mais quelles sont les conséquences de cette philosophie ?

Une personne qui surestime sa capacité à influencer sa propre vie est sujette à se sentir coupable et a plus de mal à accepter ses échecs, se reprochant sévèrement. Cela conduit souvent à des tentatives compulsives et épuisantes de tout contrôler dans sa vie, ce qui génère une tension et une anxiété chroniques.

La phrase « tout dans ma vie dépend de moi » est souvent associée à des schémas de pensée névrotiques.

Cependant, la capacité de reconnaître que « tout ce qui se passe dans ma vie n’est pas le résultat de mes actions et ne dépend pas de moi » permet de mieux gérer les difficultés de la vie et ses échecs personnels, de réduire le stress et de progresser vers ses objectifs avec plus de sérénité intérieure.

12/11/2024

ENG: ABOUT PSYCHOLOGICAL CLIMATE IN A TEAM AND EMOTIONAL CONTAGION

The mood of people sitting together in meetings for two hours was studied. The research covered 70 groups across companies of various industries. People who sit next to each other in meetings for two hours tend to have the same mood — whether positive or negative, but always shared.

The study also explored how team cohesion affects “emotional exchange.” The higher the cohesion, the faster moods spread within the group.
Reference: “Moods and emotions in small groups and work teams” by J.R. Kelly, S. Barsade, 2001.

FR: CLIMAT PSYCHOLOGIQUE DANS L’ÉQUIPE ET CONTAGION ÉMOTIONNELLE

On a étudié l’humeur des personnes assises côte à côte pendant deux heures lors de réunions. L’étude a porté sur 70 groupes dans des entreprises de diverses industries. Les personnes assises côte à côte pendant deux heures en réunion finissent par partager le même état d’esprit — qu’il soit bon ou mauvais, mais toujours commun.

Cette étude a également examiné comment la cohésion d’équipe influence le « partage » des émotions. Plus la cohésion est forte, plus les humeurs se transmettent rapidement au sein du groupe.
Référence : “Moods and emotions in small groups and work teams” par J.R. Kelly, S. Barsade, 2001.

11/11/2024

ENG: Is there a CONFLICT BETWEEN EMPATHY AND CARING FOR ONE’S OWN INTERESTS? I don’t think so, and here’s why. In my view, empathy combines wonderfully with self-care and personal interests. Empathy primarily means paying attention to another person and seeking to understand their feelings and needs. Empathy doesn’t mean giving up your own interests for others or prioritizing their interests above your own. The latter would be sacrifice, not empathy.

FR: Y a-t-il un CONFLIT ENTRE L’EMPATHIE ET L’ATTENTION A SES PROPRES INTERETS ? Je ne le pense pas, et voici pourquoi. À mon avis, l’empathie se combine parfaitement avec le soin de soi et de ses propres intérêts. L’empathie signifie avant tout être attentif à l’autre personne et chercher à comprendre ses sentiments et ses besoins. L’empathie ne signifie pas renoncer à ses propres intérêts pour les autres ou privilégier leurs intérêts au détriment des siens. Cela serait du sacrifice, et non de l’empathie.

04/11/2024

ENG: TRUSTING YOURSELF means, among other things, the ability to sometimes set aside thoughts and follow your feelings. However, such spontaneity is only possible when you are aware of your feelings, accept and understand them, and trust them. If feelings are perceived as a threat, a person is forced to suppress them and act “more safely”: rationally, logically, consistently, following external rules and imperatives.

FR: FAIRE CONFIANCE À SOI-MÊME signifie, entre autres, être capable parfois de mettre de côté ses pensées et de suivre ses sentiments. Cependant, une telle spontanéité n’est possible que lorsque vous êtes conscient de vos sentiments, que vous les acceptez et les comprenez, et que vous leur faites confiance. Si les sentiments sont perçus comme une menace, une personne est contrainte de les réprimer et d’agir “plus prudemment” : de manière rationnelle, logique et cohérente, en s’appuyant sur des règles et des impératifs externes.

28/10/2024

ENG: “AND YOU JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT THE BAD THINGS TO AVOID WORRYING.”
The tendency to try not to think about negative things is typical of people with high levels of depression and/or anxiety. Several studies conducted as early as 1995-1998 by various researchers (“Developmental Issues in the Study of Coping,” by Sandra Losoya, Nancy Eisenberg, Richard A. Fabes) indicate a link between the strategy of avoiding stressful thoughts and high levels of anxiety and depression.

FR: “ET TOI, NE PENSE PAS AUX MAUVAISES CHOSES POUR NE PAS T’ÉNERVER.”
La tendance à essayer de ne pas penser aux choses négatives est typique chez les personnes ayant un niveau élevé de dépression et/ou d’anxiété. Plusieurs études menées dès 1995-1998 par différents chercheurs (“Developmental Issues in the Study of Coping,” par Sandra Losoya, Nancy Eisenberg, Richard A. Fabes) montrent un lien entre la stratégie d’évitement des pensées stressantes et des niveaux élevés d’anxiété et de dépression.

23/10/2024

Psychotherapy is sometimes like the shock absorbers in a car — it helps you get through the bumps on the road of life, softening life’s blows; allowing you to maintain control of your own life and preserve your sense of wholeness.

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