After surviving long-term emotional, psychological and physical abuse from a master manipulator, Lisa has learned a lot about transformation.
Lisa Jean Haskins, NBCT, M. Ed. CIPP Alexandria, VA Lisa Haskins is an educator and life-long learner. She is a Nationally Board Certified teacher and has been teaching in a challenging high need urban setting for over 17 years. She holds a Master’s Degree in Curriculum and Instruction with a specialization in English as a second language and another advanced graduate certificate in literacy instruction. She has designed and presented at countless professional development workshops at the State and local levels. She was the first English language learner literacy coach for her division and coached teachers and administrators. Lisa Haskins is also a survivor of domestic violence. Her unique experiences in the public school system and her tremendous personal challenges have given her a unique perspective on transformational growth. Lisa empowers women through education. Through her experiences she has learned what it truly means to have strength and resilience. She has gained a wealth of knowledge and perspective throughout her journey. She is certified in Positive Psychology and has completed the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program created by Jon Kabat-Zinn. She presents workshops on boundary setting, assertiveness, goal setting, self-esteem, and the science of well-being. She empowers women with tips, tools, and strategies for growth that will spark some changes in everyday life. There is a science and a proven path to well-being that can reduce stress, prevent burnout, support personal and professional growth, and lead to a more balanced and fulfilled life. [email protected]
Waking up out of our slumber. The shift from sleepwalking and life on auto-pilot, to living, fully awake and aware, making conscious choices for ourselves and the rest of our lives. Recovering our balance and re-remembering who we are at our core is possible. One step at a time.
In practical terms, can we look at pieces of our unraveled life – maybe our finances, our habits, our relationships and realize that we can start again each day? This is the power of the word AND. Not pushing down what happened but leaving room for building and restoring ourselves so we can move into our futures with the hope and visions of all that is yet to come.
Opening space and allowing for a different type of story to form can be life changing. If we continually reinforce the losses, the regret, and the resentment our hearts can harden. We can perpetuate cynicism, anger, and spinning negativity. Cultivating a quality of acceptance without resignation and apathy can open our hearts to lessons learned, new choices, and the profound kindnesses all around us.
One of the hardest truths to face is that there are actually clear signs at the beginning of a relationship with an abusive narcissist. We are too blinded by the sparkly promises and the lies that sounds like truths that we do not turn to fully face what is actually staring back at us. This is why learning to set clear and appropriate boundaries to protect ourselves is so critical when moving on after an abusive relationship with a narcissist.
Resilience supports us in dealing with the change and stresses of life. It involves harnessing inner strength and reframing our thinking in how we respond to difficulties. Resilience can be learned. It gives us the courage to deal with even the most difficult and challenging of circumstances. It begins with a noticing of what is real and being honest with ourselves in a kind and compassionate way.
As painful as it can be, at some point, in order to pull ourselves away from the feelings of “guilt” or “trying to figure out what I could have done different to make it work”, we have to admit that the foundation of the toxic relationship was based on lies and deceit. We have to admit that the toxic relationship was a fraud. We can then vow to stay true to ourselves and our truth. We can work on building ourselves up from within and strengthening our self-awareness to support us in moving forward with courage and authenticity that is real and freeing.
Our actions or inactions, cultivated over time, determine our habits. These habits, repeated time and again, begin to slowly shape our character. Impulsive anger, seething resentment, lies that flow without pause, hateful actions…The narcissistic abuser reaps what he/she sows…
What does love bombing look like? He/she needs to be with you all the time. They want to be in constant contact. They lavish you with gifts, compliments, poetry, special music playlists, constant texting, and appear to be your “soul mate”. Engagement ring after 6 quick months? Red flag. Sometimes we want something so badly we will negotiate with our common sense and what is happening right in front of us and argue with the facts (in our head) to justify and keep the dream of the imagined future we have envisioned alive. If it seems too quick, if your gut is telling you something is not right – you need to pause and listen.
Some of the indicators that can emerge from the body: tears that quietly fall down the face, the constant tremble in a hand, the teeth grinding, the lack of restful sleep – not the sleep that comes from numbing ourselves, popping pills, over eating or over indulging in booze. The body aches, the neck pain, the stomach pain, the back pain – the pain that just won’t go away. This is when we need to pay attention to the questions that tug at us. What is happening to me? Where did I go? How did this happen to me? Why am I staying?
Without small steps towards action, we can spend time thinking, rethinking, analyzing and spinning ourselves into a downward spiral. This is called rumination. It can become habitual. It is painful. We can find ways to reroute our brains during this anxiety-inducing time. The disparaging stories we tell ourselves – all that negative talk that is not serving us – it is suffering we are inflicting on ourselves. We can stop the cycle.
You may find yourself in a position where the narcissistic abuser is once again attempting to slowly seep back into areas of your life with promises, attempts at reconciliation, and requests to be “more involved” in your life.
lisajhaskins.com If you are finding yourself in a situation that may require continued contact with a narcissistic abuser because of: Child custody arrangements
Were there signs early on before and after my marriage? Of course there were. Many signs. In retrospect, the red flags, the clear indicators, and the loud clanging on the pipes trying to warn me were all there. I just “couldn’t” see or hear them.
lisajhaskins.com How do you know you are being influenced, compromised, and becoming ensnared with a toxic narcissist? It involves a lingering sense that you are not
It is possible to trust yourself again. It is possible to know when you are connected to yourself and what you want. It is possible to listen to your own heart, know your integrity, and cultivate clarity so you are comfortable with your decisions. It is possible to be honest with ourselves with courage and know that the only person we can control or change is ourselves.
If you feel fear and difficulty standing for yourself, take moments during your day to re-establish and re-remember who you are and that you deserve better. Remember a moment when you felt strong, confident, and regarded and full of compassion and hope. Direct this energy and care towards yourself.
When we build our resilience, it gives us the courage to deal with what is real instead of keeping us stuck in denial and the art of making excuses, telling ourselves stories, blaming others versus moving towards action. Resilience allows us to bring healing and well-being to our lives.
Living by someone else’s wants and desires never feels like our life. The endless obligations and emphasis on things you SHOULD be doing leaves us feeling like we are selling out on our lives. Turning inward with honesty and examining the fears that are holding us back from our goals, what we truly want, and our lives takes courage.
When something doesn’t feel right attend to it, question it, pay attention to it, don’t push it down. These warning signs deep inside of ourselves are attempting to tell us something. These signals are attempting to wake us up to something we are trying to ignore that may need to be investigated further.
If we can bravely turn towards what is true, name it, and own it, we can begin to move ourselves gently towards and on the path to genuine healing. When we paper over and dismiss what is real, we can hold ourselves in a perpetual place of stuck.
Consider that a narcissistic abuser is like a tornado; touching down and spewing wreckage.
There are consistent patterns of behavior of the narcissist:
lisajhaskins.com How do I get a narcissistic abuser to take responsibility or admit wrongdoing for what he/she has done? Despite all the wishing and hoping it is critical ...
We can relearn to regards ourselves with respect. We can become fiercely loyal to our truth. We can reclaim who we are.
When the anguish, ruminative thinking, negative spiraling, and numbing anxiety becomes completely overwhelming, despite the difficulties in moving forward, we can decide today to bring the slightest bit of ease back into our lives. Making a conscious choice to do something different. Harnessing the strength and courage to look within. Taking intentional steps to cultivate a different way of living.
Bringing subtle change into our lives can feel uncomfortable in the body and in the mind. When we slowly begin to cultivate new habits and new ways of regarding ourselves, we may unconsciously sabotage our measured steps toward change. Sometimes the mind will push away, deflect, and/or dismiss what feels uncomfortable. This is where clear seeing and a conscious awareness of our choices can support small steps toward our deeply held intentions.
Forgiving others is a process. It takes time. Forgiveness does not mean we are blindly forgetting and moving on from the hurt in a state of denial or disillusionment or papering over what really happened. Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences or responsibility for the harm, hurt, and/or devastation caused by the other. We do not forget and put ourselves in harm’s way. We don’t even need to tell the other we are forgiving them. In the end, forgiving others is a gift we give to ourselves to end our suffering. When we cling and grasp to our hate, resentment, and bitterness, we are holding ourselves back from the peace we so richly deserve.
The negative spiraling and ruminative thoughts with endless self-doubt become a habitual way of thinking. After a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist, we can learn to reframe and hold space for a new way of regarding ourselves.
lisajhaskins.com The negative spiraling and endless self-doubt become a habitual way of being. We can learn to reframe after a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
When someone shows us over and over again who they are, we must harness the strength to face these difficult truths with clarity. We must slowly begin to make brave decisions. It is possible to face what is true. We can harness the strength to be brutally honest with ourselves. In the end, we must align our actions with what will bring real care and compassion to ourselves.
Turning towards what is true, after a toxic relationship, can be excruciatingly painful. Armoring over with ideas that layer on more shame and blame including: “I thought I was strong. I used to be capable. What happened to me? I used to have it all together?” is a very heavy burden to carry. Staying close to what is true on the inside, and including it all in the wholeness of who we are, can bring us to real freedom and a sense of peace. When we leave behind the need to appear in control and holding it together, we can open space for ourselves in our circle of compassion.
These challenging times are a stark reminder to bring very real care and compassion to ourselves. Making conscious, intentional choices for ourselves and the rest of our lives can start with discomfort and a question. What are we noticing that we desperately need and want? Are we ready to take very small steps forward without habitual reactivity? Can we move towards a rebalancing and a realigning of our compass and bring a gift to ourselves?
The heavy weight of resentment, regret, and simmering anger lingers and lives in the crevasse between all the imagined and planned for futures and desperate expectations diminished. Turning gently towards what is now with some compassion for ourselves can bring the hope back into life. Small steps with brave action can lead to profound change.
Pushing beyond the fear so that we can see that beyond the struggle is transformation. We can change our narrative, just by showing up,every day, and beginning again. We can change the old narrative that we attach to the self-defeating story. We can learn to transcend the negative thoughts, the voice of doubt, the fear, and what holds us back. We can embrace this unfolding.
Take note and consider when you are giving your precious time, trust, and energy to someone who disregards your requests and tramples your boundaries inhibiting your ability to show respect for yourself. Knowing intimately your essence and your truth is what protects you from entrusting people who continue to push against your firm lines.
Want to learn more about the Three Sabotaging Beliefs that Keep Women Stuck After a Toxic Relationship with An Abusive Narcissist? Click the link for my free video and access to my weekly healing blog. http://lisajhaskins.com/free-audio/
Feeling small and contracted and responding from a place of habitual reactivity keeps us stuck and frozen. This is the protective response of the body and mind and is a symptom of trauma. Remembering that we are whole. We can bring kindness to ourselves and slowly begin to fuel abundance and spaciousness. Want to learn more about the Three Sabotaging Beliefs that Keep Women Stuck After a Toxic Relationship with An Abusive Narcissist? Click the link for my free video and access to my weekly healing blog. http://lisajhaskins.com/free-audio/
Want to learn more about the Three Sabotaging Beliefs that Keep Women Stuck After a Toxic Relationship with an Abusive Narcissist? Click the link for my free video and access to my weekly healing blog. http://lisajhaskins.com/free-audio/
Setting boundaries and taking back our lives is one of the cornerstones in demonstrating personal control and personal responsibility for our choices. This comes only when we know who we are at our core. This comes when we can look at all our pieces and parts on the inside with honesty and introspection. We can begin to set our lines and limits with ourselves and with others when we truly know what we deeply want in our lives.
I remember looking in the mirror one day and realizing that I was a complete phony. The mask had been on so long I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I had been lying, covering up, denying, and defending, and I was becoming the mask. I knew something was terribly wrong in my life. I just deceived myself day after day making excuse after excuse for myself, my choices, and for my life. After an entanglement with a toxic narcissist, we have lost a sense of who we are.
Want to learn more about the Three Sabotaging Beliefs That Keep Women Stuck After a Toxic Relationship with a Narcissist? Click the link for my free video and access to my weekly healing blog. http://lisajhaskins.com/free-audio/
We can keep the mask of perfection on. We can build high walls that do not allow anyone in. We can hide out alone and resist the support of others. We can pretend that we are strong and independent and don’t need support. We can distract ourselves with “helping, advising, controlling” others at all costs. In the end, this comes at a tremendous cost. It distracts us from the real work. The work of being truly awake and aware.
The pain of regret can slowly tear at the fabric of who we are. Shame, self-blame, and perpetual sadness can prevent us from gently taking the steps to move back into our lives with a sense of vitality and hope. It is possible for new meaning to emerge from suffering.
Why am I sharing these reflections and quotes with you on this page? Because after the devastation and trauma of a toxic relationship with a narcissistic abuser, I know what it is like to have actually lost a sense of who you are. I know those feelings of hopelessness and those feelings of brokenness.
As a woman who has experienced this crazy-making, I am here to tell you that you can break free from the toxic thoughts, beliefs, and chronic anxiety that prevent you from trusting yourself and your decisions again.
I empower women down the path of healing through education and self-discovery. As a public-school teacher in a high needs area (for over 19 years) and a survivor of an emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive relationship that lasted 18 years, I have gained a unique perspective on what it means to leave the victim stance behind.
There is a science and a proven path to well-being that can support and guide victims of abuse out of the darkness and out of the fog.
I strongly believe that living a life that is rooted in choices deeply connected to our integrity and our one true self is possible. I believe that making small incremental changes aligned with our deepest wants and needs can lead to personal transformation. All of this is possible. One small step at a time.
I provide consulting, mentoring through my course, Recover and Rediscover, and research-based tips, tools, and strategies to women who are seeking a path to empowerment, wellness, and personal growth after a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist.
I am a certified Positive Psychology trainer and a student of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction having completed the MBSR Fundamentals Program in Teacher Education through the Center for Mindfulness. I am also a registered 200-hour yoga teacher through Yoga Alliance. I present workshops on boundary setting, assertiveness, and goal setting.
You can relearn how to empower yourself again. You can reclaim your precious life. If you have the desire to move forward and into your life again, with a deep trust in yourself and your decisions, I am here to tell you that trust, empowerment, and peace are possible. You are not alone in your journey to healing. http://lisajhaskins.com/
Body in Balance is a unique wellness center, located in Old Alexandria, VA. We welcome you to read our blog: bodyinbalancecenter.com
Kristi Schwickerath guides a safe exploration of holistic wellness practices to find more comfort in your discomfort, whether physical or emotional. Enjoy yoga, crystal reiki, and more.
Millennium Gynecology is the choice that women have been looking for. Lead by Michael Yuzefovich MD, (or “Dr. Mike”) this OB/GYN practice has redefined excellence in women's health services. At Millennium, care is always personalized.
Specializing in nutritional counseling and MELT for weight loss and overall clean living.
We are a Birth Postpartum doula service in the Fairfax, Alexandria, VA and Surrounding areas.
Research, tidbits and health hacks. It's all about the depth of details that make a successful healing program. Here at QP Wellness, research is the foundation of everything we do. If you don't feel your best, we'll find out why!
www.ElementalPerfumes.etsy.com Natural perfumes pertaining to the elements; astrological scents; chakras and the seven rays; and more!
Sunflowers Healing and Wellness helps clients navigate the challenges in life through hypnotherapy, life coaching, childbirth support, and energy healing services.
Class Nutritional Therapy is for people looking to improve their health using food based strategies. As a certified therapist I recognize that everyone is unique and needs an individual approach. Send me a PM to set up a free 15 minute consultation.
Feldenkrais Method clinic in Arlington and Alexandria, VA: group classes at The Teal Center and private sessions both at The Teal Center and in the heart of Del Ray.
The Jambalaya Moon is a Holistic Luxury Brand: Specializing in Handcrafted Intimate, Bath and Body Blends for your Ascension.