Lisa J Haskins: Trust Empowerment Peace

Lisa J Haskins: Trust Empowerment Peace

After surviving long-term emotional, psychological and physical abuse from a master manipulator, Lisa has learned a lot about transformation.

Lisa Jean Haskins, NBCT, M. Ed. CIPP Alexandria, VA Lisa Haskins is an educator and life-long learner. She is a Nationally Board Certified teacher and has been teaching in a challenging high need urban setting for over 17 years. She holds a Master’s Degree in Curriculum and Instruction with a specialization in English as a second language and another advanced graduate certificate in literacy instruction. She has designed and presented at countless professional development workshops at the State and local levels. She was the first English language learner literacy coach for her division and coached teachers and administrators. Lisa Haskins is also a survivor of domestic violence. Her unique experiences in the public school system and her tremendous personal challenges have given her a unique perspective on transformational growth. Lisa empowers women through education. Through her experiences she has learned what it truly means to have strength and resilience. She has gained a wealth of knowledge and perspective throughout her journey. She is certified in Positive Psychology and has completed the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program created by Jon Kabat-Zinn. She presents workshops on boundary setting, assertiveness, goal setting, self-esteem, and the science of well-being. She empowers women with tips, tools, and strategies for growth that will spark some changes in everyday life. There is a science and a proven path to well-being that can reduce stress, prevent burnout, support personal and professional growth, and lead to a more balanced and fulfilled life. [email protected]

Are we sleepwalking and going through the motions of life on autopilot because of layers of expectations and supposed duty to others? Or are we listening to the truth that lies within us? Our culture is so tied to achieving and doing and accomplishing that this adds layers of expectations onto ourselves. Many times this shows up as judgment. Relentless, punishing judgment of ourselves and in turn judgment of others. Our perfectionist demands of ourselves and the voices of criticism from others are all layered on deep inside ourselves. This concept is different than becoming competent and responsible for own lives. The point here is: What are our deeply held beliefs? What are our deeply held wants and needs? Are we listening to the truth that lies within us?

Finding our way back to wholeness involves the brave step of moving out of the shadows and into the light even if it is just for a brief moment. Beginning to slowly regain that steadiness and grounding into who we are at our truest essence is the first step towards healing. This can feel daunting at first. Taking ownership of all of who we are with compassion is the work of transformation.

The biting, caustic words that are layered on over the years from a narcissistic abuser create a false story about us. A story that it is not true. The toxic one will try to blame us. “You are too sensitive.” “I didn’t say that” “Stop exaggerating” “You are a jealous___” “You are a nag” “You’re an idiot.” “If you didn’t… Then I wouldn’t … You are…. Fill in the blank. These stories over time cause us to lose sight of our one precious self. If someone close to you who you “love and trust” starts to tell you enough times over and over again that you are fat, stupid, and worthless -you eventually start to believe it. It is called brainwashing. It poisons your belief system in yourself. You can learn to regard yourself with respect again. Self-betrayal no more.

When we are in and stay in the toxic relationship, in order to stay, we sometimes detach and deny with poisons to push down the reality. We sometimes think we can fix the toxic one, we are strong, we need to be responsible, we fear to be alone, we do not admit to ourselves that the relationship has gone way over the line into complete dysfunction. We are embarrassed to admit to ourselves that the person we have partnered with is an abuser.

Being with what is and staying with the difficult feelings and emotions that are presenting themselves without trying to push down, deny, or pretend can be challenging. Facing what is, can also be healing, feeling the pain and the grief without trying to numb or dull our senses and bringing this present moment awareness and acceptance begins to release us from the fog of despair. This does not mean we become resigned, apathetic, or a lifeless blob. We can learn to respond wisely from our center taking planful action aligned with our deeply held intentions and beliefs. We can learn who we are again, at the core, after a toxic relationship.

Some of the indicators that can emerge from the body: tears that quietly fall down the face, the constant tremble in a hand, the teeth grinding, the lack of restful sleep – not the sleep that comes from numbing ourselves, popping pills, over eating or over indulging in booze. The body aches, the neck pain, the stomach pain, the back pain – the pain that just won’t go away. This is when we need to pay attention to the questions that tug at us. What is happening to me? Where did I go? How did this happen to me? Why am I staying?

We can pretend. We can defend. We can keep the mask of perfection on. We can build high walls that do not allow anyone in. We can hide out alone and resist the support of others. We can pretend that we are strong and independent and don’t need support. We can distract ourselves with “helping, advising, controlling” others at all costs. In the end, this comes at a tremendous cost. It distracts us from the real work. The work of being truly awake and aware.

Toxic folks are like a disease that can seep into any organization and slowly spread. How do we deal with these folks when they are, of course, either completely unaware of how their negativity is impacting others, or intentionally sabotaging every person in their path? Many times the work environment slowly becomes infused with the toxicity, like the spread of a disease, until others, who are working their butts off, are walking on egg shells around the toxic other. Conscientious others are either filling in the gaps because of the toxic one’s lack of productivity or cringing and afraid because of the unpredictability of every interaction with the toxic one.

As painful as it can be, at some point, in order to pull ourselves away from the feelings of “guilt” or “trying to figure out what I could have done differently to make it work”, we have to admit that the foundation of the relationship was based on lies and deceit. We have to name and label the relationship toxic. We have to admit that the relationship was a fraud. We can then vow to stay true to ourselves. We can work on building ourselves up from within and strengthening our self-awareness to support us in moving forward with courage. We can be honest with ourselves and question our feelings of stuck. Why are we making the choices we are making? Why are we sabotaging our hopes for a future by not taking the steps we need to take to move forward into our lives? Why do we continue to mourn a person who treated us so poorly? Why are we clinging and grasping to some beliefs that may no longer be serving our best selves? It may be time to start investigating further. Change is possible. A future is possible. We just have to believe in ourselves.

We must base our decisions on what is – not what we wish or hope things to be. We must deal with the truth and the actual evidence in front of us. When we fortune tell and linger in imagined fantasies into the future it takes us away from the here and now. When we think: “He will return to the man he once was and start being consistent and kind” or “He will stop outrageous spending, drinking, cheating” (pick your poison) when we see no steps in that direction, we are tricking ourselves and keeping ourselves in a state of suffering.

A need to present and defend an image of who we think we “should be” can show up in a variety of ways. When we grasp on so tightly to ideas as if it is a fight for our life and don’t let in or consider the opinions or ideas of others - that is a signal. There is a perceived threat. There is fear. The tight grip and clenching to defend, with quills raised, and the need to be right all the time in order to defend this perceived image is not protecting and serving us. It creates distance and prevents authentic connection. We can remove the mask. One step at a time.

Anger, resentment, and regret visit all of us. In the end, we choose how to respond in the moment to these emotions. We do have a choice in triggering moments. The key is the pause. Remembering that taking a moment to step away, to ponder a request, and to compose your no is okay. One step at a time. Small steps lead to big change.

Beating ourselves up for decisions made long ago or red flags missed is a no-win game. Second and third guessing things in the past is an exercise in further suffering that spins us into a tunnel of negativity, shame, and regret. Learn from it, own it, turn towards the difficult emotions and resolve to move forward. Bringing compassion and heart-felt kindness to yourself from this point on.

lisajhaskins.com

Do All Narcissists Rush Intimacy? | Lisa J. Haskins

He/she needs to be with us all the time. They want to be in constant contact. They lavish us with gifts, compliments, poetry, special music playlists, constant texting/face time, and appear to be the “soul mate” we have been wishing and searching for.http://lisajhaskins.com/2019/03/do-all-narcissists-rush-intimacy/

lisajhaskins.com What is all the rush? This will be one of the unmistakable, glaring signals that indicate you may be becoming entangled with a narcissistic abuser.

Resilience and our capacity to overcome adversity and trauma is one of the cornerstones of moving out of “stuck”. Resilience supports us in dealing with the change, challenges, and stresses of life. Resilience involves harnessing our inner strength and reframing our thinking in how we respond to difficulties. Can we widen our perspective and perhaps turn towards things that we may habitually push down or push away? Healing comes from within. One small step at a time.

Toxic folks are like a disease that can seep into any organization and slowly spread. How do we deal with these folks when they are, of course, either completely unaware of how their negativity is impacting others, or intentionally sabotaging every person in their path. Many times the work environment slowly becomes infused with the toxicity, like the spread of a disease, until others, who are working their butts off, are walking on egg shells around the toxic other. Conscientious others are either filling in the gaps because of the toxic one’s lack of productivity or cringing and afraid because of the unpredictability of every interaction with the toxic one. This is where clear, direct, communication with an objective and boundaries and assertive communication are required. Managers may be waiting for other people to come forward with their concerns. This is critical. We must say something – in a calm, direct manner if we want to bring toxic, controlling behaviors to light.

As painful as it can be, at some point, in order to pull ourselves away from the feelings of “guilt” or “trying to figure out what I could have done differently to make it work”, we have to admit that the foundation of the toxic relationship was based on lies and deceit. We have to admit that the toxic relationship was a fraud. We can then vow to stay true to ourselves and our truth. We can work on building ourselves up from within and strengthening our self-awareness to support us in moving forward with courage.

You don’t have to automatically defer to others and their preferences. You do not need to please others at your expense and put yourself last. Constantly remaining outer-focused on the needs of others while trying to mind-read and predict what they want and what they need is a recipe for misery. Understanding your deeply held wants and needs and aligning actions with your integrity and character will guide your service. It is possible to set limits, lines, and maintain boundaries with kindness and assertiveness. It is not selfish to properly care for ourselves. This may include cutting off or limiting ties with folks who continue to cross these lines time and again. There is never an excuse for abuse: verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse included.

When anger and resentment start to bubble up and simmer beneath the surface during interactions with others it is a signal. This could be a signal to yourself that you are not attending to and holding your limits and lines. Boundaries come in all shapes and sizes. One type of boundary supports us in setting limits to prevent us from becoming enmeshed, ensnared, and swept up in the tangles of others. This is a difficult perspective shift, but small steps and practice lead to amazing change in how others treat and respect your lines.

The choices and energy we used in the past towards a goal we thought we wanted can be refunneled towards a new way of being. A new path. Feeling powerless can come from the story we keep telling ourselves over and over again. These words that we use with ourselves that punish ourselves and keep us in a stuck place. Make a conscious choice to take one small step up a different ladder. It is never too late.

lisajhaskins.teachable.com

Recover and Rediscover Healing

Looking for the hope that is there and continuing on your healing journey is paramount. We gravitate towards what is familiar. Because of this, it is critical to continue your journey to well-being. It is also critical to continue the important work of digging. It is never too late. https://lisajhaskins.teachable.com/p/recover-and-rediscover-healing

lisajhaskins.teachable.com Learn how to recover from the devastation, trauma and hopelessness of a toxic relationship with a narcissistic abuser

lisajhaskins.com

Abuse Behind Closed Doors | Lisa J. Haskins

On the continuum from manipulative to subtle to outright aggressive and alarming emotional abuse is abuse. We need to label and name abuse. It is what it is. Unless we name it and acknowledge it, we are in a place of denial making excuse after excuse for that which is inexcusable. It can start with a subtle beginning and slide into a slow decline and turn into an unending cycle. When you fear the angry outbursts and out of control, unpredictable behavior of the toxic one – soon enough your every move and waking moment is unconsciously finetuned to the moods and actions of the toxic one. In the end, you are controlled by this person and his moods, affection (or lack of it), and needs. You are losing yourself. Detaching and detoxing is difficult. Living in peace and calm is a true gift that everyone deserves.http://lisajhaskins.com/2018/03/abuse-behind-closed-doors/

lisajhaskins.com Abuse behind closed doors. This is the indisputable evidence that an abuser actually does have self-control but chooses not to abuse emotionally, psychologically, and physically when it doesn’t serve his/her ultimate goal of complete control, power and compliance to his/her demands and wishes.

It is a self-betrayal that is difficult to describe unless you have lived it. I was changed into someone I did not recognize. Regardless of the past, you can take back control of your life now and take actions that directly impact your healing.

If we can’t raise concerns, grievances, or points of disagreement, we are not in a healthy relationship. When folks continue denying that which is clearly there and blaming you or others for their actions with anger and venom, we get into a cycle with the toxic one that consists of crazy-making and confusion. When another punishes us for speaking up, it is time to take a clear, hard look at our lives and our relationships.

Making excuse after excuse for behavior that is manipulative, out of control, and irresponsible because we think we can save or fix others is unhealthy and will cause more suffering. This is not a long- term solution to a very real problem. With compassion and distance we can allow folks to learn their own lessons. We can set our limits clearly and with kindness. This takes courage. This takes an honest awareness of our fears.

Habitual negative thought patterns start to cloud our vision of ourselves. Our thinking becomes clouded and poisoned. Many times this type of negative rumination spirals us into a pattern of shame, blame, and distorted judgment of ourselves. We can use such cruel language towards ourselves causing us to forget who we are at our core and preventing us from stepping into our full potential. You are worthy. Your life is waiting. One small actionable step at a time. Today I will...

While in the marriage, the abuser is out and about with other women. He is constantly texting his/her other love interests. When the infidelities are discovered, he/she then attacks the victim for being a jealous controlling freak saying she is the one with issues. Name calling and gas lighting her more and more with each incident. http://lisajhaskins.com/2018/12/the-slow-slide/

What is the face of denial? The mind has a way of filtering out information that is clearly happening in our midst when that information contradicts what we want to believe. Our mind scans for information that supports our beliefs and will quickly dismiss clues, red flags, or other glaring signals because the information may be in direct conflict to what we want to be true. Keeping ourselves rooted in truth with a clear vision supports us when cloudiness begins to alter our perception of what is clearly happening.

Holidays can be triggering. Perhaps today bring an extra dose of gentleness towards yourself. Remembering that in the suffering you can resolve to continue on small step by small step, to reflect and to learn. You can resolve to bring compassion and heartfelt kindness to yourself. You can move forward towards a new way of being regarding yourself with a fresh perspective.

The biting, caustic words that are layered on over the years from a narcissistic abuser create a false story about us. A story that it is not true. The toxic one will try to blame us. “You are too sensitive.” “I didn’t say that” “Stop exaggerating” “You are a jealous___” “You are a nag” “You’re an idiot.” “If you didn’t… Then I wouldn’t … You are…. Fill in the blank. These stories over time cause us to lose sight of our one precious self. If someone close to you who you “love and trust” starts to tell you enough times over and over again that you are fat, stupid, and worthless -you eventually start to believe it. It is called brainwashing. It poisons your belief system in yourself. You can learn to regard yourself with respect again. Self-betrayal no more.

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Videos (show all)

The Cycle of the Abusive Narcissist
You Have The Power To Choose
Home for Holidays-Your Life Your Boundaries

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