02/15/2026
For decades I have mistaken my own symptoms of Pathological Demand Avoidance (or persistent drive for autonomy) as laziness or flakiness.
But through this discovery about how my nervous system ACTUALLY works, I am uncovering that the disconnect between who I am as a person and what I have been unable to execute is merely a misunderstanding of how I internally operate and is not a deep moral failing on my part.
Now that I know this, I can implement strategies and tools that work WITH my nervous system instead of against it, while also creating those same tools and strategies for my daughter and for others.
This knowledge has been super freeing for me because the strategies I have been trying to implement to make my life easier have been anything but. They have only created a lot of shame and disappointment.
It's important to know that PDA is a nervous system type. It's not something you develop as you age or fall into every once in a while in certain circumstances. It's internal wiring.
Saying you “have PDA sometimes” because you avoid certain things is like saying we have the same operating system because we both downloaded Instagram when you have an iPhone and I have an Android.
Avoidance is a behavior you choose. PDA is hard wiring. The choice is made for you.
And if you're like me, you're slow to catch on. 🤣
And for me, it was so intricately wired into everything that I genuinely believed I was innately flawed because once it took over, I couldn't get out of it on my own.
So if you too are someone who:
– Feels intense internalized resistance to ordinary expectations
– Can do hard things when they’re self-directed, but shut down when they’re imposed
– Procrastinates things you genuinely care about
– Feels a surge of anxiety or agitation when asked to do something, even if you planned to
– Performs well externally while internally battling shutdown
– Thrives on autonomy but collapses under perceived control
– Finds creativity exciting but also threatening
– Can appear capable yet feel chronically “behind” despite working non-stop
– Experiences a fight/flight/freeze response to simple demands
(Continued...)