11/19/2024
https://www.facebook.com/100044158253064/posts/1103491601132771/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v
Sooner or later, each of us will face the profound pain of losing someone we deeply love. For those who have already experienced the devastating death of a cherished loved one, the holidays can feel like a stark and painful reminder of their absence—a glaring contrast to a world that insists on celebration.
For some bereaved individuals, the holiday season becomes a time of quietly hiding grief. In a culture that prizes joy and festivity, the bereaved often feel compelled to wear what I call "the mask of happiness." Behind this facade, however, lies a tender heart struggling to navigate the weight of grief amidst the cheer.
This forced inauthenticity—pretending to be “okay” when we are not—can heighten feelings of emotional fragility. It can create a sense of disconnection, not only from family and friends but also from ourselves, as we suppress our sorrow to align with external expectations. The loneliness that accompanies this can feel unbearable.
So, what can we do during the holidays, when the world seems to celebrate while we grieve? How do we honor our grief without dismissing our pain or isolating ourselves?
Based on nearly three decades of working with and researching the traumatically bereaved, here are some tender, actionable practices that can help us foster deeper connections—with ourselves, with others, and with the memory of our precious loved ones.
1. Speak Your Truth
Share your feelings honestly with family and friends. Let them know what you need. For instance, you might say, “I know I’m going to feel really sad this holiday season. Could we begin the meal with a moment of silence to honor her?” Or, “I’d like to share some memories of him before we gather. It would mean so much to me.” Discussing your loved one openly can relieve the tension others might feel about whether to bring up the subject or avoid it.
2. Engage in sacred conversation (high risk conversations) with those you trust (low risk people) and more superficial (low risk conversations) with those who are not-yet-or not-at-all trusted (hight risk people).
I have a concept I call 'low risk' vs 'high risk' conversation for when I'm feeling more vulnerable (note that at times when I'm not feeling vulnerable, I take more chances with those I don't yet trust or those who have not been trustworthy in the past). Conversating about my daughter who died can feel 'high risk' at times. This is because invoking her 'presence' into a discussion with another person risks the other person saying something hurtful, devaluing, or dismissive. I generally have more 'low risk' - that is more superficial- conversations with 'high risk' individuals. Conversely, I am much more willing, and even look forward to, 'high risk' conversations with 'low risk' (those I trust) individuals. There are certainly times when I feel like I want to go deep. There are certainly times when it feels too risky or like the timing is off. I pay attention and seek out low risk people for those sacred and high risk conversations. They often yield much for me in the long run.
3. Create New Rituals
Rituals can be deeply meaningful and unifying. Consider setting an empty chair at the table, lighting a candle in their honor, sharing memories as a family, or volunteering in their memory. Other ideas include donating to a charity they cared about, creating ornaments or crafts in their memory, or buying a gift for someone in need and dedicating it to them. These practices allow active remembering and give others permission to express their feelings.
4. Seek Support
Grief can be isolating, but you are not alone. Many support groups—both in-person and online—can provide solace. Social support is one of the most vital factors in coping with loss. The MISS Foundation, for example, offers online forums where bereaved individuals can connect. Finding a community of understanding hearts can make all the difference.
5. Connect or Reconnect with Nature
Nature has a way of grounding and soothing us. If possible, take a walk or spend time outdoors. If the weather doesn’t permit, bring elements of nature inside—create a small indoor garden or a space with stones, leaves, or plants. Natural sunlight, even in small doses, can uplift the spirit. Find a sunny window to sit by if possible or plan a trip to a nearby park if weather permits.
6. Move Your Body
Gentle movement, like walking or yoga, can help release tension and improve emotional resilience. Even a few minutes of stretching or deep breathing can have a significant impact.
7. Honor Solitude
Intentional moments of solitude can provide a safe space to process grief. Practices like contemplative prayer, meditation, or simply sitting quietly with your emotions can help. Take three to five minutes each day to breathe deeply and sit in stillness, allowing yourself to feel without judgment.
8. Introduce Novelty
Small changes in tradition can make the holidays feel more manageable. This might mean altering the music you play, creating a new menu, or even planning a holiday getaway. Embracing change can help ease the weight of painful memories tied to old routines.
9. Set Boundaries with Loved Ones
If you’re spending time with others, communicate your needs beforehand. Let them know you may need to leave early or step away to a quiet room. Share what you’re comfortable discussing and ask for their support. Writing a letter to family or friends can also be helpful. For example:
"Dear friends,
At this time of year, we are deeply missing our daughter, Jane. We’d love to hear your memories of her and know she is remembered. Please feel free to email us; phone calls are overwhelming for us right now. We appreciate cards and gestures of support, and if you’re able, please consider donating to [charity] in her name. Thank you for standing by us during this difficult season."
10. Explicitly Welcome Memories
If you are open to this, give others explicit permission to talk about your beloved. Hearing their name and sharing memories can be so meaningful. Don’t hesitate to tell others how they can support you—it removes the guesswork and can open the door for meaningful connection. You can even ask people to bring a 'favorite' memory to share for a gathering; or, in the case of a young baby or child who died, ask others to imagine what they think he or she would be doing for that holiday. You could even ask people to bring a toy or gift for someone in need in their honor (like the Kindness Project).
11. Prioritize Self-Care.
Take care of yourself and your immediate family. It’s okay to decline invitations, simplify holiday traditions, or ask for help. Make sure to eat nourishing foods, rest as much as possible, and limit alcohol or substance use. Self-care is not selfish; it is essential for navigating grief.
These practices allow us to remain tethered to our loved ones, to the people who support us, and to the most tender parts of ourselves.
As we move through this season of both light and shadow, let us remember: we are not alone. Together, we endure —and perhaps, in time, discover glimpses of connection, tenderness, and peace in the midst of bereavement.
- Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
CenterForLossAndTrauma.com
Please share with a griever you know who might need this...
