08/05/2025
This is a painful revelation, but I need to release this heartache from the manipulation, to the longing, discovery, and reconnection of my paternal side.
I was born with three sets of grandparents. I was closest to my maternal grandmother and her husband. I never really knew either set of my paternal father’s parents, and that left a deep void.
It always felt strange watching everyone else visit their dad’s side of the family, while I only experienced my mother’s side. I tried to stay in a child’s place, but the older I got, the more questions I had about who my father really was.
There was a man listed on my birth certificate, but our relationship never felt natural. It felt force, I was uneasy around him and his family.
Then, when I was about 6 or 7, I met a man who was introduced to me as my godfather. But our bond? It was real, it felt natural and warm. I spent nights at his place. He worked downtown with his father. He’d come to our house, cook, and my mother would take me to his parents’ home on the Northside, near my maternal grandparents.
I remember going over there on Sundays watching the Jaguars play and following the fish with my fingers as they swam in the tank. I felt safe, i felt warm, and I felt at home.
But everything changed when I was around 9 or 10.
That’s when he (“my godfather”) told me the truth:
He was my father.
And sometimes… I wish he never had.
Because the moment he told me, the warmth was stripped away.
The police was called and he was barred from our house. We stopped visiting his parents. I barely saw any of them.
When I asked my mother if what he said was true, she denied it. And at that age, I didn’t have a reason not to trust her. But the confusion broke me. The resentment and brutal beatings begin, I caught my first charge at 11. And at arraignmen, there he was.
The man that told me he was my father, I was so happy to see him.
So much so that I started getting into trouble just to be sent back to court… to see him again.
That’s how deep the longing ran.
Years later, as an adult, I went back to find him. He wasn’t there, but a man who resembled him was. I asked about him, and the man laughed, thinking I was playing games because I looked just like his granddaughter, Bre.
I said, “I’m not Bre… but I’d like to know who she is, and where the man who told me he was my father 10 years ago.”
He gave me his number, and my father told me everything is questioned throughout my childhood.
It shifted my entire perspective of life, my upbringing, and everything I thought I was.
And instead of honing in, I left town.
I regret that deeply. Because it took me away from a family that wanted me as much as I needed them for 11 years.
I’m sharing this now because… I felt that old ache again this weekend.
That same ache I felt as a child crept in you know that one that came from being manipulated, resented, and beaten? That one, except this time, it was different. Those emotions flooded me, but I felt safe, natural, and warm. I also figured the trauma I endured could’ve been avoide, if my paternal grandparents had of been allowed to be present during my upbringing.
Now, at nearly 40 years old, that longing has finally come to an end.l, but the ache will never go away! We were rubbed the chance to bond for to bitterness and resentment toward my father!
When it was time to leave, my grandparents didn’t want me to go.
My grandmother’s face as my children and I got in the car said it all.
Hell we didn’t want to leave.
Just to think both of my grandparents are in their 80’s, they’ve been married over 60 years. They raised three sons, and living their best life.
I asked why at the end of their life?
But I’m thankful now, they have me, and I have them.
I enjoy assisting them, and being present in their life. I haven’t stopped crying since she waved goodbye like it was the last time she’d see us.
I hope for more moments with then, but the truth is I live more than 15 hours away.
And although I’d love to return home, it’s been 11 years of me figuring out who I am (when I had no earthly idea) while gaining insight on the life I was denied.
And now, I finally see how much easier life might have been…
if I’d had their guidance.
Their love.
Their presence.
But I’m here now. And I carry them with me, every year of the 11 years in Texas represents growth and I’m determined to reach my peak so I dinner miss opportunities I missed with my other set of grandparents.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference….
God I know I was astray , but I need your favor and promises restored…
Forever a Hall my family mean the world to me!
🫶🏾✨🤞🏾🧲💪🏾🎁💎
