12/08/2023
There’s less pressure around how to get it right when we know what components should be included and what should be avoided.
💙Keep the focus on the other person, even if you are peripherally related to the deceased.
💜Remember, you can’t make their pain go away. That’s not the point.
♥️Get clear about the goal. The goal is to validate their pain and offer support for what they are going through.
♥️This is not an appropriate time to offer support that is aimed at transmitting your beliefs about what happens after death. For example, “He’s in a better place now” suggests that there is shared belief that there is an afterlife. If you don’t know for sure that they share this belief, don’t put your beliefs on them. That kind of misaligned support can come off as dismissive.
💜The intensity/level of support offered should match what you know about their relationship to the deceased. If you don’t know much about that relationship then don’t make assumptions just because of how they are connected (for example, don’t assume that the parent-child relationship was strong).
💙Don’t blame the deceased. This sounds obvious, but happens all the time. People say things like, “He’d been drinking a long time. His body was bound to break down.” If that comes out of the mouth of the person you are supporting, that’s OK. That’s their experience and their mourning, but it’s insensitive to put that on them.
💜If they died by su***de, don’t make comments that are judgmental. You are allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings about su***de, but it’s important you don’t put those on the person you are trying to support.
Specific phrases to avoid:
👉🏽”She’s in a better place now.”
👉🏽”You’re young. You have a chance to start over again.”
👉🏽”He’s been sick a long time. It was time.”
👉🏽”He had a long life.”
👉🏽”They’ve been gone a long time. It’s time to move on.”
👉🏽”I know how you feel.”
