05/28/2024
Premise: Narcissism has increased hand-in-hand with materialism and the growing desire in people to have external validation with possessions, power, money and control, and manipulate anything and anyone to get what they want. The main idea: Masculine-Feminine polarity flips have become increasingly problematic over the last 50 years, and this feels directly tied to narcissism.
How? One can argue that narcissism strikes more men than women overall, generally. It's important to define that there are "narcissistic traits" that some people may exhibit from time to time, but they may not be an overt narcissist. What is a good way to define narcissism? It's when a person casts blame on something (external) to prevent or keep hidden the doubts and insecurities in oneself. Usually it's when a person paints a public-face that everything is fine, or better than fine, while behind the scenes or behind closed doors their partners or people in their life are being emotionally and psychologically shredded.
With a narcissist, the hallmark behavior is any form of manipulation at the core to retain power/control or to not expose any weaknesses in the person. The manipulation takes on the form of lies, gaslighting, narratives, misalignments with actions and words, attempting to shift blame on self to blame on others, shaming others, bullying others, passive-aggression, and the list goes on. The narcissist is often charismatic and intelligent enough on the surface to appear believable to people that are not seeing the person behind closed-doors, so their followers "called flying monkeys (Wizard of Oz) usually believe the narcissist, even though venom, lies, blame and shame are being doled out on others. By having more followers that support them, there's a grandiosity that pads the narcissist's ego even more.
Rarely, if ever, see the ability of a narcissist want to forgive another, see the any mistakes or issues with what the narcissist had done in the past to wrong another. There are many anti-virtues going on, and typically at the root of narcissists has been all of the negative treatment they have inflicted on others, while never admitting to their faults or wanting to fix themselves. The internal shame in the narcissist along with the insecurities of "not being good enough" and wanting to prove something externally to the rest of the world appears to get them to make up anything possible to not admit that, as the human condition inside of us all, we are not perfect, have faults, have wronged others, and we need to do right by them when we have wronged them, whether directly or indirectly.
Biochemically and esoterically, there are many other factors here too, such as dopamine pathways, the lack of delayed gratification, overstimulation, etc. There's also the Ego itself, and the Ego that's run amok in the narcissist often doesn't have something internally that is balancing out the Ego, since the Ego always wants to be, and must be right at all costs, rather than desiring to ensure everyone is taken care of... that considerations and compensations have equivalence. One might call this having the proper Spirit to keep the Ego from destroying everything around the narcissist.
Now that you have the prelude, my thoughts here are about Masculine-Feminine polarity problems. With the rise of narcissism, more women have been in relationships with men that are exhibiting some narcissist traits. We here this all of the time in the past 10 years... woman looking for a man that is masculine in nature. This translates to a man that protects her, especially behind closed doors. We hear this story a lot: narcissism is about manipulations, narcissists by definition are using emotions to prey upon their targets and "love bomb" a woman, then later on, the woman's feeling of self-worth and her own ability to see things clearly can get distorted being with him.
The narcissist's tactic is to "look for supply" to get needs met. The needs vary per person, but they often involve physical needs or getting the other person to do things that the person might not even want to do, but when confronted, the narcissist will play on and prey on the emotions and feelings of the person to passive-aggressively shame, guilt, or manipulate in unhealthy ways to get his or her way, rather than putting the freewill of another at a high standard, and accepting "no" when another says no to them. Often this looks like Jekyll and Hyde behavior: the narcissist, after love-bombing, starts to ignore or not give proper attention to the person much to create a power difference, so the person will feel a bit more confused and even act needy as to why there's an abrupt, sudden disconnect.
Over time, the narcissist gains a bit more power over his/her partner to "lock in his/her supply" to full the narcissist's needs, while at the same time, the narcissist is always on the lookout for "new, future supplies" by putting on the charm outwardly. Typically, the narcissist reveals the "new potential supply" to the partner, on purpose, to put more fear into the partner while devaluing the partner's sense of worth. If the partner honestly and accurately questions the narcissist about their behaviors and how it's disrespectful, the narcissist's will make things up, gaslight, lie, manipulate and say it's all in the partner's head and make the partner out to look even more needy or confused.
The lack of empathy in a narcissist can be profound, and often the narcissist can be felt "feigning" empathy. Psychological and emotional manipulation continues into infinitely because the narcissist doesn't want to get caught in their own anti-virtuous behaviors, instead of being direct and honest about what's going on. When confronted about past behaviors, it's either side-skirting what happened, or continuing the lies, rather than putting truth first.
But if a person is able to gain perspective, eventually the truth comes out. Once all of the narcissist games have been played over time, the partner may finally escape, and what's seen is that the narcissist immediately has a new supply lined up, ready to go, or is already in a relationship with someone else to start the whole supply process over again.
The wounds left in a person that has been with a narcissist can be very traumatizing. So traumatizing in fact that the person might feel like it's not worth it to get into any future relationship at all with another person. When looking back on a person that you've invested a great deal of time, sacrifices and devotion, and there wasn't a true connection can feel devastating aside from making a person feel very used as a supply to neglect one's needs and wants, while supporting a self-serving person that wasn't willing to level-up internally to do right for the relationship.
For the vast number of women that have experienced this with men, this can put women into a difficult situation, especially when raising children at the same time. More of a masculinized hat may need to be worn more frequently to complete in our work/financial system if there's a choice to not get into any more relationships with men. The past wounds of old relationships may be affecting present-decisions to not attempt a new relationship with a man--specifically the narcissistic traits that may appear in the relationship... this also includes her own Triggers about narcissism when she sees a narcissist behavior appear in front of her and the fear that runs through her body if she believes "oh great, yet again I've made a mistake to put trust into a new man. Is he a closet narcissist? Has he worked on himself? Am I better off alone again?"
Masculine men by definition have core, foundational desires in a relationship, as to why women not only find them attractive, they'll find them safe. Emotional safety is #1 and the foundation for why it's fundamental before love. Once emotional safety is established and that's protected, a woman is able to begin to put some trust into him. She hasn't seen all situations. Has she seen how he reacts under pressure and when things are going bad? Does he remain calm or breakdown? Has he leveled up from Level 3 Calm to Level 7 Calm and he's on his way to Calm in every situation she's in with him? Or does he only look and act Calm around others and behind closed doors, he's a Level -4 Calm: translation: he's not in emotional Self-Control anymore and he cannot see himself in a moment to shift his behavior into something better for her... to lead her and lead the conversation back into Calm for both of them... for both of their safety, security, compassion and love for each other.
If he's not able to do that, is it a wound in him? Is it a masculine wound? A feminine wound in him from his unconscious past? Is it an emulation from a past relationship? Is it something biochemical? Was he drinking and went out control? Was he jacked up on caffeine? Does he need more discipline with things in his own life? Are there conversations around all of this? Well, if he's a narcissist, there's no way he'll want to talk about this because it would be admitting there may be a fault in him that needs fixing or repairing. However, if he acknowledges his bad behavior in the moment and looks to do what he can to protect her and protect the relationship by finding a way to move past something negative, that's glorious.
However, is he shifting blame back when doing it, or is he taking fully ownership over his behaviors and attempting to be responsible? What if he asks you, "this was a relational thing that happened and you also disrespected me?" What if he's being dead honest about that, but you think you did nothing? Are you exhibiting a narcissist behavior as well by not admitting your wrongs that happened too? Did you play a role by condescending him, throwing venom his way, blaming or shaming him for things, being disrespectful too?
At the end of the day, all relationships and connections we have deal with Self-honesty. And our relationships with others are arguably, the most powerful treasures we will ever have in this existence. When we are on our deathbeds, all that we acquired is meaningless. We're not taking it with us. What mattered were the relationship we had, how we treated others, and how we may have role-modeled a better way of existing, rather than the controlling, manipulative, messed-up, stressful things we see around us that don't need to be that way.
If we deceive ourselves and try to cover up the internal things inside--if we have an urge to be better than others, complete and make it look like we're awesome, that we have something over someone else--we could be falling toward the direction of narcissistic behaviors. What is the one virtue we do not see that much anymore, which used to be prized centuries ago? It is humility. How humble are we when we're complemented? Why are we doing things? Are we doing them to get ahead, look good on the surface, or are we trying to be real and down to earth? Do we let things go to our heads, or do we accept the praise and leave it at that, attempt to role-model something better for our inner-lives.
Moreover, are we more concerned about how we're being perceived and judged by others, or do we know deep down who we are, what are needs are and know that we are good with ourselves internally,... and then whatever happens on the outside is icing on top of that cake that we've built to have a happy and fulfilling life. Are we leading ourselves properly from the inside, or are we letting others that do not have our best interests in mind lead us instead? How are we discerning all of it? Have we built the awareness it takes to not be deceived? Are we setting the boundaries we need with others in our lives to ensure we maintain our own strength, worth and stability inside of us? Or do we give up our power for another?
This is why masculine-feminine polarity was a very powerful thing in the past and it still is. When two healthy people are in-relation with each other, they are both honest and they both are communicating deeply and value each other, then women do not want to run for the hills and begin believing that all men have narcissist traits. When a wounded woman reads from another woman a phrase like, "I love submitting to my man when the time is right", or "I like when he corrects me when I've disrespected him," it can make some women vomit when they read that, because that woman cannot believe a man can be leveled up in himself to have her back, protect her, listen to her feelings, value her words and intentions, sacrifice for her in his daily life, and be the complement to her in all of the right ways.
Once real polarity exists and when wounds have been admitted to, dealt with and integrated so the wounds no longer have power over the relationship, the relationship itself can find the freedom is deserves and here is how we get told stories from our grandparent's or older generation how it used to work beautifully... how they both grew old together and celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary and wouldn't have had it any other way. That took both of them, both partners, to develop Self-honesty, respect one another, be free to be the person each was meant to be, and not let their Egos run amok. Think about this naturally and spiritually what happening. This is why there is so much religious trauma because of narcissistic leaders or leaders with narcissistic tendencies.
