01/29/2024
Things not to say when someone is hurting or grieving
Neuroscience reveals that our brains cannot handle seeing someone who is hurting and therefore, we will naturally tend towards saying something that we think will offer consolation, fix them, or balance the scales of their grief. But all too often, the words we speak end up adding more pain, rather than subtracting it.
When Job’s friends tried to explain his pain, they turned from being comforters into perpetrators of hurt. At one point in their long-winded explanations and blame game, Job exclaims, “...you are miserable comforters, all of you!” (Job 16:2)
How many of us can relate to that? We have been at the lowest point in our lives, only to have a well-meaning friend compound our hurt with poor reasoning or some pithy platitude.
However, if we’re honest, we’ve all been that friend too. It’s not that we intend to do harm, but intention does not always matter; the discomfort of being confronted with someone else’s hurt—hurt, that we know we cannot take away –can lead us to feeling helpless. So we fill that sense of powerlessness with empty promises.
It can be a challenge knowing what to say to a person in pain, but there are a few things that most of us can agree are not helpful:
AT LEAST:
While you may be trying to find a “bright side,” what most hurting people need, especially in those early moments of grief or pain, is to just feel the hurt. Starting a sentence this way tends to minimize their current feelings or reality.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON:
This old adage may in fact be true, but in their hurt, people don’t need a platitude to wash away their pain.
GOD NEEDED AN ANGEL:
Sometimes we seek to try to explain pain with unbiblical and bad theology. God doesn’t need angels. People don’t become angels in death.
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TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS:
While time can bring healing, there are some wounds such as the loss of a loved one that are chronic. Healing can come, but the pain may be felt over a lifetime.
YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER CHILD/GET ANOTHER JOB/ETC.:
Like “At least,” this one seeks to minimize pain as quickly as possible. We must allow people to mourn losses in real time.
SHOULDN’T YOU BE OVER THIS BY NOW?
Grief has no timetable. So much of how people respond to their hurt is connected with past traumas and pains. Grief is something we must learn to carry, not get over.
YOU NEED TO MOVE ON:
Moving on insinuates that certain things shouldn’t hurt anymore. But there are some aches that we cannot move on from. With God’s help and with the help of a safe, supportive community, we can choose to move through.
I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH:
None of us can truly understand what another person is going through and so often, this line sends the message that we’re comparing our grief to theirs.
GOD’S IN CONTROL:
Even though it is true, discussions of God’s sovereignty may not be helpful in the raw wounds of another.
YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG:
Often by strong we mean “visibly okay,” and we unknowingly encourage others to stuff their true feelings and grief, rather than expressing it in a healthy way.
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JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT:
When another person’s life has changed, it’s nearly impossible (and unhelpful) to tell them to just not think about it.
We know you may be wondering what you can say that won’t be harmful. We urge you not to avoid people who are in pain, because they already feel isolated.
So what can you do for a person who is hurting? Keep reading for ideas.
Spiritual First Aid
