Kate A. Bares

Relationship Coach on Instagram: "How did you rationalize the abusive behavior? Do you need help to break this cycle and change what's happening? Let's talk. Website: 🔗strongerthanbefore.ca - Educational Webinars - 1:1 coaching - Books
- Courses

I've seen it, heard it, been it. And now I'm free. There IS a way out!

Relationship Coach on Instagram: "How did you rationalize the abusive behavior? Do you need help to break this cycle and change what's happening? Let's talk. Website: 🔗strongerthanbefore.ca - Educational Webinars - 1:1 coaching - Books
- Courses Relationship Coach shared a post on Instagram: "How did you rationalize the abusive behavior? Do you need help to break this cycle and change what's happening? Let's talk. Website: 🔗strongerthanbefore.ca - Educational Webinars - 1:1 coaching - Books
- Courses Trauma Bond Recovery Course: 🔗ht...

True - they really do NOT like it when you wise up to their antics. And you really do NOT have to care!

I love that we are in the era now where if a narcissist calls you "crazy," "difficult," "oversensitive," or similar terms, rather than falling prey to their gaslighting, you are now more likely to mentally think to yourself, "Why thank you! So glad my discernment and resistance to your manipulation threatens you." Find out more at: www.selfcarehaven.org

YES!

"break free".

"empath".

I remember this - it felt hateful. And if I called it out, I was told we had different perspectives on "hateful". Damn skippy we did!

"Fluent in sarcasm" can be a red flag if someone uses it to abuse you. For many abusers, sarcasm and "it's just a joke" are used to disguise the intent to harm and ridicule. If chronic sarcasm is used to bully others, it can be a potential sign of psychopathy according to research. It's one thing to sarcastically comment on something occasionally and another to use it as a main form of communication, especially if an abuser uses it in a hostile manner in response to being held accountable. Be wary of anyone whose primary form of humor comes in belittling and mocking others for fun and pleasure. Go to www.selfcarehaven.org to learn more.

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Lying is being intentionally deceptive and doesn't happen by "mistake". Excuses and justifications are sophisticated forms of gaslighting - I was eventually blamed for the other person's choice to deceive, as well as, expected to accept and forgive in the name of "love". This is called "managing down expectations" - i.e. normalizing abusive behavior. Forgiving someone their humaness is not the same as trusting them again. Don't confuse those two things and don't take on the literal impossible and soul exhausting task of trusting an untrustworthy person. It's not YOU. You don't need to "overcome" or "let it go" or "get over it". You need to trust YOU - your gut knows the Truth. ~kab

Truth is the basis of all healing ❤️

(A single lie discovered is enough to create doubt in every truth expressed.-unknown)

THIS. Verbatim - right down to the sob story. It's amazing how Universal narcissistic behaviors are! They truly are 100% crazymakers. It's not YOU. You are NOT crazy.

The anatomy of a narcissist's crazymaking, chaotic argument which the narcissist stages to disorient you, attempt to exhaust you and make you on the defense so they can attack you for your reactions to your provocations. What else would you add? Go to www.shahidaarabi.com to learn more.

Amen! Including covert, passive-aggressive narcissism.

I received a comment saying we need to use "corrective" terminology when it comes to describing certain toxic behaviors. Here is the thing: most of the thousands of survivors I know and have spoken to who have been in relationships with or who have family members or coworkers with narcissistic traits and behaviors are *already* using correct terms. Chronically
lacking empathy, being callous and exploitative, provoking others on purpose, pathologically envious especially to the extent of trying to sabotage others? Yes, according to research, those are indeed narcissistic traits and behaviors. When someone demonstrates a cluster of behaviors and traits that are narcissistic, it is not mislabeling to term them "narcissistic," especially when these are long-standing patterns and behaviors and they have the intellectual ability to distinguish between right and wrong. Such a term is NOT a diagnosis especially when it refers to traits/behaviors. Rather than hyperfocusing on correcting the label, perhaps it's time for society to acknowledge that the label exists for a reason - to identify the traits associated with aggression (as seen in the research literature) and to put boundaries to correct or hold the behavior accountable instead. Especially since the people who actually DO have the disorder or have "just" many of the traits are unlikely to go to therapy to be diagnosed in the first place.

Yes, there are certain behaviors and aggression that are significantly associated with narcissistic traits and behaviors which is why we term certain patterns of abuse "narcissistic" - such as jealousy induction and malicious envy which have been supported by research to be associated with both narcissistic and psychopathic traits. There was also a 2021 meta-analysis of 437 independent studies showing the significant association between "just" the traits of narcissism and many forms of aggression and bullying, including unprovoked and proactive aggression. Yes, we are allowed to call out these behaviors for what they are and there is a reason why researchers talk about it in the context of intimate partner violence - it is because these traits *are* associated with many forms of abuse.

"What if we forgave to clear space in our hearts for what nourishes us instead of what has been building walls? What if we forgave to shed the co-dependence we have with the person that we feel hurt us? What if instead of the altruism and sainthood, we wrote 'I forgive you' as 'I release myself from this bond'."

Forgiveness has many connotations, with long roots to idealistic altruism, where we are 'good' and 'saintly' if we do forgive.

What if we forgave to clear space in our hearts for what nourishes us instead of what has been building walls? What if we forgave to shed the co-dependence we have with the person that we feel hurt us? What if instead of the altruism and sainthood, we wrote 'I forgive you' as 'I release myself from this bond'.

They'll still have done what they've done or what we believe they have done.
You may still need strong boundaries around the person.
They may never apologize or acknowledge their part in things.
They may never change into who we think they should be.
They may never understand why this hurt you and be defensive.

But you'll be free, because you cut that bond, let go of expectations that were never going to come true, stayed in your lane and took responsibility for your heart.

Forgiving is a kindness we offer ourselves. No doubt it will have ripples, it will make this old world a better place, but that's the icing on your freedom cake.

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When we don’t get our emotional needs met we children, we learn that connection isn’t safe.

We could be: shamed, punished, rejected, or ignored (silent treatment) at any moment.

This is devastating for a child because our sole need as a child is the love and protection from our parents— our survival depends on it.

We will preserve the relationship with that parent at any cost. In a quest for their love, we’ll internalize the belief “I am bad” or “I bring this on myself.”

We don’t have the ability or agency to understand how are parents treat us is a reflection of how they feel about themselves— not a reflection of who we are.

We are also incredibly adaptive. Our subconscious mind steps in to protect us.

We become hypervigilant: noticing changes in facial expression, mood, or voice. Noticing these changes helps us to self protect.

I’ve had clients remember a certain sigh a parent would make before “going off” or they could see the change in mood that would bring on abuse. Or their tone would change and they would know to self isolate. Our body always remembers...

This continues into adulthood where:

- we constantly ask people “what’s wrong” or “are you ok?”

- we start spinning emotionally if someone’s upset or unhappy

- people please or fawn to avoid conflict

- betray our own needs to keep people happy.

REMINDERS FOR HEALING:

1. It’s not my role to manage other people’s emotions

2. If someone’s upset with me, they will need to directly communicate

3. I no longer need to be an “emotional detective” to stay safe

4. I am aware my childhood can create situations where my perception is off (aka I think people are often upset with me.) If I want clarity, I ask rather than create assumptions.

5. I am learning how to be a better communicator and learning how to directly express my needs

The Holistic Psychologist

Good info about how it shows up in present time.

You may already be familiar with the survival responses fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Here I give some examples of how they can also look as both a short-term survival automatic response vs. when they become “stuck” in the body and transformed as a long-term survival strategy as our primary way of thinking, behaving and feeling after trauma — sometimes in maladaptive ways. ❤️ To learn more, go to www.selfcarehaven.org. If you’re interested in reading more about this topic, trauma therapist Pete Walker discusses how these four trauma responses can look as personality typology in the specific case of Complex PTSD in his books.

SO very grateful to be FREE!

Logan Cohen on Instagram: "I don’t hold grudges — I mean, you may never hear from me again, but we’re cool 😎 Tag or share with someone who needs the info👇 and check out our page @HealingHumanity777 for more📚 Ready for your next moves?

Because healthy people tend to see the best in others, it's easy to WANT to unsee the worst. We all have a "worst" part - a shadow side - and accepting these parts in ourselves and others is what forgiveness really means. "Accepting" as in, not denying or excusing reality. Not pretending to UNSEE the Truth. Not living with, condoning, excusing or allowing abuse. That's a hard stop. Doesn't matter if others think you're holding a grudge, especially the abuser! You're holding a boundary and you're holding yourSelf accountable for honoring it and taking care of YOU. ~kab

Logan Cohen on Instagram: "I don’t hold grudges — I mean, you may never hear from me again, but we’re cool 😎 Tag or share with someone who needs the info👇 and check out our page @HealingHumanity777 for more📚 Ready for your next moves? Logan Cohen shared a post on Instagram: "I don’t hold grudges — I mean, you may never hear from me again, but we’re cool 😎 Tag or share with someone who needs the info👇 and check out our page for more📚 Ready for your next moves? The coaching plans at the link in th...

Logan Cohen on Instagram: "When you get used to chaos, peace will feel boring. It takes time to relearn how to let your central nervous system rest😵‍💫 I know this track is a different choice for this page — a bit less mellow & contemplative

💯 accurate!

Logan Cohen on Instagram: "When you get used to chaos, peace will feel boring. It takes time to relearn how to let your central nervous system rest😵‍💫 I know this track is a different choice for this page — a bit less mellow & contemplative Logan Cohen shared a post on Instagram: "When you get used to chaos, peace will feel boring. It takes time to relearn how to let your central nervous system rest😵‍💫 I know this track is a different choice for this page — a bit less mellow & contemplative. This remix just seemed to capture ...

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Never apologize for outgrowing people who had the chance to grow with you.

Move on. The World needs your gift NOW!!

Your Gift Matters
Your Story Matters
Your Voice Matters

~Your Voice Activates Your Future ~
Shavannah Speaks Moore

Logan Cohen on Instagram: "How to Heal the Trauma Bond: Step 1 — Reality Training 🪬 Tag or share with someone who needs the info👇 and check out our page @HealingHumanity777 for more📚 Ready for your next moves? The coaching plans at the lin

Several of you have asked about trauma bond. Here's a great explanation!

Logan Cohen on Instagram: "How to Heal the Trauma Bond: Step 1 — Reality Training 🪬 Tag or share with someone who needs the info👇 and check out our page @HealingHumanity777 for more📚 Ready for your next moves? The coaching plans at the lin Logan Cohen shared a post on Instagram: "How to Heal the Trauma Bond: Step 1 — Reality Training 🪬 Tag or share with someone who needs the info👇 and check out our page for more📚 Ready for your next moves? The coaching plans at the link in the bio offer natural solutions...

Yep.

Don't waste your precious energy on anything or anyone that doesn't feed and nourish your Soul!

6 Traits Narcissists Want in a Romantic Partner

This is very accurate, in my experience. If it resonates for you too and you blame, shame or beat yourself up for allowing/tolerating abusive, narcissistic dynamics in your life, please read this! Feel free to PM me - there are so many resources for healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse. You are not alone! ❤

6 Traits Narcissists Want in a Romantic Partner Narcissists need a highly specific set of personality traits in their partners.

The residual affect of their chaos on partners and family members takes time to unravel - time for the nervous system to register that it's no longer in danger after the extended period in fight or flight. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. You're not alone and you're not crazy! There's help and support. Private msg me here - I can help.

The manufactured chaos of the narcissist. This is an excerpt from my 2019 article on Psych Central — to read the full article, click the link on my latest story. ❤️

"It is so easy to believe that you'll always be ready to handle everything life presents to you, but a day--many days--arrive and you can't bear it, you can't even dream that you have it within you or around you to cope or to survive. Hold on to that emotional, dreaming person--the one who feels--and keep family and friends and the things you love and the things you live for deep in your head and your heart. Eat and laugh a lot; love deeply; give fully. It doesn't just go by fast; it comes at you with alarming speed and stealth and damage.

"You will not be prepared. You will be knocked off your feet, your foundation. Make sure it's a strong foundation, and make sure you know how to get back to it and on it and re-build it.

"No one is ready for what ultimately arrives, but some are lucky and are able to not only survive but to get others through it all.

"Work on that. Feel more. Laugh a lot. Draw a circle of loved ones around you." --Marlon Brando/Interview with James Grissom/1990/

Amen to that!

"We have no greater Friend in life than that small part of us that loves what is True. The more we are able to recognize and honor the fact of this matter, the more powerfully does this interior Friend step forward and prove to us the value of our love for it." ~ Guy Finley

Glennon Doyle on Instagram: "Join us for HOW TO HEAL with Alex Elle: 1. Alex’s four practical healing techniques that you can start today. 2. How it affects us to grow up never seeing our mothers have joy. 3. If you think you don’t have...

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Ckyaahruppu/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Glennon Doyle on Instagram: "Join us for HOW TO HEAL with Alex Elle: 1. Alex’s four practical healing techniques that you can start today. 2. How it affects us to grow up never seeing our mothers have joy. 3. If you think you don’t have... Glennon Doyle shared a post on Instagram: "Join us for HOW TO HEAL with Alex Elle: 1. Alex’s four practical healing techniques that you can start today. 2. How it affects us to grow up never seeing our mothers have joy. 3. If you think you don’t have self-soothing strategies – you actually hav...

rawmotivations on Instagram: "It's BOTH our fault #narcissist #npd #npdabuse #abuse #toxic #cheater #divorce #marriage #psycopath #liar #ptsd #cptsd #survivor #recovery #selfcare #mentalhealth #narctiktok #narctok #wakeupwarrior #NarcAvengers...

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rawmotivations on Instagram: "It's BOTH our fault #narcissist #npd #npdabuse #abuse #toxic #cheater #divorce #marriage #psycopath #liar #ptsd #cptsd #survivor #recovery #selfcare #mentalhealth #narctiktok #narctok #wakeupwarrior #NarcAvengers...

When you're being hoovered...

THIS. Our experiences grow us, give us tools, serve a purpose - but it's hard to use the gifts if we don't open them! ~kab

Yep! It may not happen "just like that", but you'll remember that YOU have the power to heal YOU! That is a game changer -that IS your freeom!

Regardless of what you believe in, believe this: You are Soul and you are Human, all at once. ALL of it. All the light and all the dark - ALL the time. You are whole. Complete. Divine! Nothing you do can UN-do the Light you ARE. Nothing and NO ONE can dim your light! If you've been hiding WHO YOU ARE out of fear, intimidation, insecurity, confusion, protection, abusive or toxic relationships or situations, limiting beliefs, codependency - you're not alone. There's a way out of the cycle and back INTO your life! It's time to SHINE dearheart. PM me here for support and info. SHINE ON! ~kab

For whoever needs to hear this right now. You're not alone. You're NOT crazy. You've got this. PM me here if you need support!

Are you giving your abuser excuses for their abuse? Have they weaponized their childhood trauma against you? This is a manipulation tactic.

Website: 🔗strongerthanbefore.ca

Trauma Bond Recovery Course
🔗https://bit.ly/TBRbyLisaSonni

Book 1 Trauma Bond Recovery Journal:
🔗https://amzn.to/3Qz96B6

Book 1 Trauma Bond Recovery Journal (Fillable PDF):
🔗https://strongerthanbefore.podia.com/the-trauma-bond-recovery-journal-pdf-version

Book 2 Rebuilding after a Trauma Bond
🔗https://amzn.to/3RHP1db

Both of these people do SUCH good work in and ! There's so much help and support when you're ready. DM me - I'm here and I'm with you. You've got this!!

Are you giving your abuser excuses for their abuse? Have they weaponized their childhood trauma against you? This is a manipulation tactic. Website: 🔗strongerthanbefore.ca Trauma Bond Recovery Course 🔗https://bit.ly/TBRbyLisaSonni Book 1 Trauma Bond Recovery Journal: 🔗https://amzn.to/3Qz96B6 Book 1 Trauma Bond Recovery Journal (Fillable PDF): 🔗https://strongerthanbefore.podia.com/the-trauma-bond-recovery-journal-pdf-version Book 2 Rebuilding after a Trauma Bond 🔗https://amzn.to/3RHP1db

THIS.

~Love Don't Run~💗©

Coleen C Kimbro

‎The Rachel Hollis Podcast: 327: Debbie Mirza | The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist on Apple Podcasts

I share and talk a lot about narcissistic abuse recovery here because I KNOW there a many people who're living in it and have no idea what they're dealing with - like I didn't - slowly and insidiously losing themselves. Gratefully, my True Self had a "What the F**K am I DOING?!" moment in the midst of a devaluing/discard episode that woke me up and set me on the path of awareness, healing and recovery. Debbie Mirza's book - The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist - changed the tragectory of my life! It checked every box for what I'd been living for almost a decade. In this podcast interview with Rachel Hollis, Debbie gives context to so much of the anquish and confusion so many of us experience. It's true - knowledge IS power! Healing and recovery begin with the willingness to KNOW. I love you and I'm with you!

‎The Rachel Hollis Podcast: 327: Debbie Mirza | The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist on Apple Podcasts ‎Show The Rachel Hollis Podcast, Ep 327: Debbie Mirza | The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist - Oct 4, 2022

From a young woman on a 3 month solo journey in the UK.

Amen to that - never stop choosing YOU!

"through".

“Forgiveness is not a matter of exonerating people who have hurt you. They may not deserve exoneration. Forgiveness means cleansing your soul of the bitterness of ‘what might have been,’ ‘what should have been,’ and ‘what didn’t have to happen.’ Someone has defined forgiveness as ‘giving up all hope of having had a better past.’ What’s past is past and there is little to be gained by dwelling on it. There are perhaps no sadder people then the men and women who have a grievance against the world because of something that happened years ago and have let that memory sour their view of life ever since.”

Rabbi Harold S Kushner

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