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Barefoot, Brave, and Bold, Beloit, KS (2025)

10/23/2025

Here it is… Domestic Violence month nearing its end for another year (though it’s ok to bring attention to it any time of the year). I’ve been exceptionally quiet about it… partly because I’ve been sick 4 out of the last 5 weeks. Hopefully on the mend…

And partly, because a piece of me still has “fear” of speaking up about being in an abusive marriage. Not here, on this page… but in my world where most of the people reading what I write know me…. AND … know the man that tried to destroy me.

AND… I know that they knew the “charming” version of him, the one who would do anything for them or for anyone (except the woman he was married to for 30 years). The super nice guy. And I KNOW that it’s a complete disconnect for them. Heck, it’s a disconnect for ME too!!!! Imagine (some of you don’t have to imagine) watching your husband for years being kind to everyone… except you. It’s a DAMN-BIG- HURTFUL disconnect!!

If I had the chance, this is what I’d ask them…

Why would a woman who wasn’t ACTUALLY mistreated, abused, coherced, manipulated and antagonized mercilessly:
* still be talking about it 8 years later??
* spend 4 years in treatment for abuse PTSD??
* wait 5 years to get into another relationship because she didn’t want to take the abuse baggage into another relationship??
* be working toward starting a support group for abused women almost a decade after her own escape??
* fly to North Carolina for a 3-day conference for abused women?? (I’m going in April 2026)
* leave and divorce at all?? Considering she was steeped in a culture that taught “stay married at any cost?”

The point is… she wouldn’t do any of those things if she wasn’t really toxically abused.
We can’t control what people believe or don’t believe about our experience or our abuser. I just wonder how many women might heal faster and more fully if a few people would just say “I believe you… and I’m really sorry for what you had to live through.”

10/17/2025

This is the day I celebrate! And…. My life is INFINITELY more joyful, certain, fulfilled, delightful, purposeful, gentle, peaceful and magnificent in these last 8 years since I chose to LIVE my life instead of remain captive in a place where I was disrespected and destroyed daily.

Dare I say “infinitely?” Oh yes! Honestly, if I could come up with an even bigger, more profound word, I’d use it. Eight years free. Eight years…. I made the boldest choice of my life that day..,to actually live instead of die, slowly but surely, each day.

10/16/2025

I love hearing people’s stories. We all have them but some aren’t inclined to share them for many different reasons.

They’ve been burned by telling
They don’t think it is that “compelling.”
They don’t feel they have the speaking or writing skills needed.
They just are “private” by nature.

If it isn’t obvious, I LOVE stories. They knit my life together and they remind me who I am. Storytelling began for me at about age 4. I’d tell my mom stories about a girl named “Nancy” and she wrote them down.

I listened at my great-grandma’s feet (we called her “Bompy”) as she told stories about being the last child in a brood of 13.

My grandma and my mom told stories of their life (and my mom wrote them in books I still have.) There are some incredible and touching narratives in those books.

I’m attaching a story that I just loved. Listen for “The story is better if…..” and in another part, the word “captivating.” I found it so heart-warming.

That said, tell your stories, if only to a friend or your children. Really, the story is better if you tell it…. Let it bring hope, tenderness, comfort, awe, or any number of experiences to others. My story is also part of my kids’ story and my grandchildren’s’ stories. So are yours… they belong to your future generations too. Tell them!

10/14/2025

On my wedding day ****I had a lot of hope… and a little fear. ****I wanted it to be all I’d dreamed of since childhood. Not just the DAY, but the marriage. It was a balmy September day. Most aspects went as planned. There were a couple disappointments. I’ve only ever told one other person about my biggest disappointment… and it seems trivial and petty. So why do I remember it as though a movie in my head, 38 years later?

Because it was the first act of disrespect in our relationship which had been 100% love-bombing to date. I knew nothing of love bombing. I wouldn’t learn that phrase for years but our entire dating year was just that. And the disrespect first showed up about 4:00 pm after we’d married at 11:00 am that morning.

I’d told my “groom” (pains me to call him that), that it was my strong desire to open our wedding gifts ourselves, after returning from our honeymoon. It wasn’t just “it would be nice to do that.” It was one of the most important aspects to me, to take time to enjoy the way our guests had given gifts to bless us. I didn’t want to be tired from the days festivities or rushed because we needed to leave town. I was kind but abundantly clear about that.

At that time, it was common to designate “gift openers” at weddings but I had opted out of that tradition…. Firmly.

Upon arriving to our new bungalow, getting ready to head to the airport, my new husband noticed the kids (his son and 2 nieces) eyeing the gifts. Kids like presents. I get it. So he offered to let them each “open one.” Surprised but not confrontational, I grabbed a piece of paper so I could write down the the name of the 3 givers and the gifts given. Three became 6, which became 9, which continued to multiply… faster and faster. Ripping paper, tossing things aside. My attempts to say “this is the last one. We’re waiting to open the rest” were ignored. I couldn’t write fast enough to record them. I felt blindsided, exhausted from being up since 4 am, and betrayed. My husband was encouraging the free-for-all.

After dozens of gifts and tons of paper lay all over the floor, I yelled, “STOP. I’m too tired to enjoy this.” There were about 10 gifts yet to open. Come hell or high water, I was going to open them, as planned after the honeymoon. I was suddenly looked at by the family in the room with mouths agape, I’m sure thought of by some as a “bridezilla” if the term would have been coined yet.. (maybe it was coined on me! Ha!)

I remember this incident because it wasn’t a slip up or poor communication or even just “a human error.” It was the beginning of my desires being shut down, of my autonomy in decision making to be ignored, my understanding of how marriage being mutually respectful …. Being RIPPED to shreds. It was to become my life…. I had no idea what I’d just signed up for, but it started unfolding that day, 5 hours after I said, “I do.”

So…. When I left 30 years later, ***I had a lot of fear and a little bit of hope. **** The inverse of what I had the day I married. Give me the fear. I’ll take the fear and the sliver of hope. I can do something with that.

10/12/2025

In early 2017, I had joined a fb group of 3000+ women. It was a branch-off group of a much larger fb group. There were few rules (no politics, be nice… mostly). It was purely for chit-chat…about pretty much any topic. It felt really safe to me, partly because I only knew one person in the group in real life. And it was closed to newcomers once it hit about 3500 members…(still is closed) so I never had to be concerned about someone joining that “knew me.” I could bare my soul… and I did. We are very close-knit and connected, as we’ve shared our diverse lives for years. And we do literally talk about almost everything under the sun.

In full disclosure, some of the ladies there, joined this page (Barefoot, Brave, and Bold) in support of me, when I started it just over a year ago. See? Their support has continued for years!

When I determined that I’d be leaving my (then) husband, these ladies were my absolute strength… I posted pre-leaving details of my plans and I posted updates during the days when I left the state to separate myself by miles, from him. I posted memes about “choosing me” and photos of the beautiful fall foliage. They posted songs (like Fight Song/ Take Back My Life Song). Someone decided that my story was like a little mighty fish in a great big ocean. They started posting fish pictures and told me to “keep swimming.” Hundreds of fish/ swimming references. Every one of them strengthened my resolve.

They knew this wasn’t a “we’ve grown apart” separation, but a “This man is trying to destroy me” separation. And they wanted me out and safe….. as much as I wanted/ needed to be out. And then, as I moved into a little house (owned by my church and provided to me for free for 6 months), they helped me deal with the whiplash emotions of the early days.

I became weak a couple times during the separation and considered going back (not to him but to my house… and he was there). But the considerations didn’t grow into actions… mainly because I knew I’d disappoint my amazing team of 3000+ strong women who had supported me. I’m so incredibly grateful.

Attached are a few of the quotes that shored me up that day, October 17, 2017 and the days that followed.

And those awesome ladies… I wish that every woman fleeing to safety would have this group of warriors standing with you… and I know they’d do it in a heartbeat. ♥️

10/11/2025

Right now, I personally know, IRL, 3 women who have recently (last 2-3 weeks) separated from their husbands. I remember clearly how jumbled my feelings were when I did the same in mid-October 2017. Each one of these ladies has unique challenges, some I know about and many concerns I’m sure I don’t have awareness. i’m drawn to think back on that time as the date marking 8 years for me is just a week away.

I recall relief.
I recall grief.
I recall upheaval (that occurred a few days after I left).
I remember hope, but it was overshadowed by fear.
I remember having resolve— to NOT return.
I remember feeling abandoned by some… and deeply loved by a few.

Would I power through all that conglameration of emotions again… to arrive where i am today?? In a heartbeat… but i realize it doesn’t feel that way to them now, in this moment. If I was going to be in that space again, trying to discern up from down, these are the ways I’d fortify myself:

*Be resolved. Stay no contact/ low contact to allow myself to sort things out.

*Do whatever might be the next right thing. CHOOSE that actively, based on my own health, not my spouses antics.

*Rest as much as needed and as possible… what we lived with was exhausting. We deserve rest.

*work to keep yourself out of “the weeds” aka his daily/ weekly strategies of manipulation. Do not engage with that.

That’s plenty for starters… and this is the beginning.

10/06/2025

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how different my life would have been, if I’d been given….. an easy life.

I never would have had to wrestle with hard things, soul-crushing things . It would have been easier, but not as faith-filling.

There would have been peace, but peace without strife and struggle is just a simple gentleness. It’s not that deep contentment and joy of the peace I now know.

I’d never have found the words… and words on paper are like gold to me…. But you can’t always and only write joyful words. By themselves they can’t capture the depth of the human spirit. Only by experiencing the vastness of life, all levels of experience can words really sort out why we seek the good.

An easy life wasn’t for me. I think I knew it when I was a child. Others have had lives of even greater strain. Some have had simpler lives. Some phrase that as a “charmed life.” May we cherish the one we were given, however it has been filled.

10/04/2025

I had thought of healing as “a strategy.” And I strategized the heck out of my life for the years following my separation/ divorce. At first, I reasoned that I needed a LOT of rest… because I really did. PTSD causes hyper-vigilence… and it’s exhausting. So I allowed myself loads of rest.

Then I began all my little baby steps, some active (walking, getting out with a friend) and some more therapeutic (writing/ journaling/ music). I poured myself into those endeavors.

I don’t negate any of that. I needed to take responsibility for my own healing. ‘Didn’t matter who caused it. It was my job to get well. To reclaim my identity. To create a life of clarity after the fantasy I’d imagined in older age, began to clearly NOT exist in reality.

But… as the author of “Truly Helaled Woman” states (see her post in the comment section), I moved forward IN ONE DAY. After 4 years combatting all the fallout (and 4 years before that, existing only in a depressive state)…. Healing and hope arrived in full force on ❣️one single day.❣️

I don’t know the exact date but it was late Sept or early October 2021. I got a text.

“I’ve decided to sell the little house. You mentioned a year or two ago, to let you know if I ever decided to as you might be interested. Are you still? I can let you think on it for about 48 hours but then I’ll be officially putting it on the market.” Within that 48 hours, I’d viewed the house again, made an offer and had the contract in process.

That (the day the email came) was the day I healed. That day I chose the restored account of my life, solidly over the distraught version of my life. It was the day that my focus moved from what has happened, to “and now…I begin again.” All the strategies got me to that point. Don’t dismiss the work. Every bit of it counted and was completely necessary. But the effort culminated, for me that Fall day. The nearly 3000 days (8 years) of struggle (and at times, utter dismay) were tied up with a big bow that day. Have I had struggle, even from my marriage memories, since then? Yes. But they weren’t the same. They were minor, not consuming.

For you, it might not be a house at all. It might not be a “thing” but rather an encounter, or a thought of clarity that moves you light years ahead in a moment... I just invite you to believe that “it can all change for the better, maybe even in a moment.” I wish you that moment or that day or whatever timeframe it takes… when the oppression falls away… and you take that giant breath of pure, fresh air and your lungs fill with hope and life.

10/03/2025

My granddaughter had her 5th birthday last week. Party, presents, and treats to take to school! A 5 year old’s birthday is full of fun, joy, and smiles. It was marvelous, for her to bask in and for me to observe and soak in her celebration.

My own birthday will arrive in a couple weeks. Birthdays are markedly different at this age… but I still love them. It’s not the celebrations, for me anymore. It’s realizing that I am being given more time on this earth… and I’m still relatively healthy and have a clear mind. Oh, I have a few issues. My recollection of people’s names is deteriorating, even people I’ve known a long time. The automatic recall button is a bit… jammed… at times. And I’m not an energizer bunny at all, at this stage. But overall, I experience health and am active.

But, I love my life. Yeah, I love it. Somehow I have arrived at an “older age” and I’ve weathered so many things that threatened to demolish me. Yet, here I am… still here for whatever is left. Looking forward to plans in the future gives me delight. I have a couple trips planned for next year. And a concert next month. My circle is smaller than it used to be… In all honestly, I like it that way. I no longer feel pulled 99 directions every day.

Much of the chaos I’ve endured is quiet now and the pieces of it have blown away. I’ve sought peace like it was a golden treasure. And the truth prevails… it is… even more glorious than I’d imagined. It’s awesome to celebrate another year as a child, joy-filled. But a birthday wrapped in peace is no less magical. ♥️

10/02/2025

I was reading someone’s post and she had a comment that I’ve seen before: “He’s not 100% narcissist.” Let me come back to that.

I try really hard to not call someone a narcissist, even if the shoe fits because it is a legit psychological term in the DSM 5 and earlier editions. While there is a lot of online chatter that the term is used way too often for “people whom we just don’t like,” I disagree with that, in a sense. The behaviors are very predictable and identifiable. Even more, the way one feels, reacts, and copes over time, if they’ve been victimized by a narcissist, are highly predictable and recognizable. There is so much education now, on the topic…. When you know, you know.

Narcissists don’t flock to psychiatrist’s offices to be diagnosed…quite the opposite. If they do land in therapy, many are even smooth enough to trick therapists. It is my strong opinion that they are highly under diagnosed (by psychiatrists) and will continue to be so, in large part because they simply avoid “opportunities” to be diagnosed (or EXPOSED). I also believe that society may be producing more people with those traits, than has been true in the past. Take that opinion for what it’s worth. I’m not a liscensed clinician.

Back to the woman who stated that her ex husband wasn’t 100% narcissist. It definitely is a continuum. Even we “normal” people can show a few tendencies. But my question… what is an “acceptable” amount? If it needs to be brought up as a topic in discussing marital demise, I feel pretty certain it has crossed the “acceptable” level… whatever that may be. Part of moving forward and healing is coming to terms with:
If I am attempting to minimize “how narcissistic” they are, they are waaay too much so for my own health and well-being.

10/01/2025

When I was very young, I discovered that I loved to write… and so I did. It is the one thing, besides breathing, that I’ve done my entire life, no matter what else happened.

When I was about 20, I thought about and realized my love for being available to other people… helping, listening, adding my hope to theirs in encouragement… and often adding my tears of understanding to their tears. So I earned a degree in Family Life and Human Development… so I could be, not just a helper but a well-informed, effective helper.

When I was 24, I was impacted by addiction, so much so that I decided to enter the Addictions Treatment field to honor that impact in my life. I went back to school to earn an MS degree and I helped people get the treatment they needed and facilitated aftercare sessions… for years. It was devotion… because I was passionate about it.

When I was 33, I became a mom. I loved it more than I knew I would… and I KNEW I would love it more than anything. I did ALL the mom things… stories, rocking, singing silly songs, play dates, room mother, followed sports and so much more. Yeah I suppose I hovered some… man, I ADORED being a mom and I acted on that every single day.

When I was late 20’s to mid-thirties, awareness came upon me, that I loved teaching…. Not teaching kids so much, but I loved adult education. So I started my own Adult Ed business and did professionally what I loved for over 20 years. And that old saying…? I truly never “worked” a day in my life. That was me.

I have a solid history of responding positively to the “revelations” in my life. What I have experienced has shaped me. What has impacted me, has led me. What I felt passion about, I acted upon. Whether heart-breaking (addiction) or epic (being a mom), I’ve always had a passion for multiple causes… and in that passion, I’ve sought to make a difference in others’ lives. Always, since childhood.

When I was in my 50’s, I came to see clearly that the misery in my marriage was caused by emotional/ verbal abuse. I came face to face with that very hard truth. It took me years to escape and more years to heal. And then, I started finding ways I might help other abused women… and am now working toward starting “Called to Peace” ministry in my area… to help those women.

Yet, there are people who choose to believe that I lied about the abuse… afterall (according to them) he’s a nice guy (and indeed he was… in public/ not so much in private) and I must have “just decided” I was tired of being married and decided to implode my family. 🙄🙄

So, despite my track record and being authentic and open and using both tragedies and joys of my life to follow my passions my entire life, at the age of 59….I’m suddenly “making up” abuse?? And, after years of my own healing, I’m helping abused women “just because?” Yeah… right! 🤷🏻‍♀️

The truth is… we will not always be believed. Speak up anyway. Seek help anyway. Choose safety anyway. Find restoration for your life anyway… you deserve that, even if there are people who don’t believe you.

Barefoot, Brave, and Bold

10/23/2025

10/17/2025

10/16/2025

10/14/2025

10/12/2025

10/11/2025

10/06/2025

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