09/04/2026
You’re Not a Bad Horse Person. Something’s Missing. (Part 1)
There is a particular kind of frustration that shows up with a new horse. It is not necessarily loud or dramatic. It is quiet, confusing, and just a little bit identity-threatening.
You are trying to be kind, thoughtful, and patient. You are doing what has always worked for you with animals, or with your previous horse. By all reasonable human standards, you are being a very decent person.
And yet, this horse is still having moments of being tense, unsure, or difficult.
So you do the logical thing. You try to be even nicer. Softer. More understanding. You reassure. You give space. You follow your instincts.
And the horse, in response, becomes worse.
This is where things start to get strange in your own head.
You experience yourself as calm and caring, but the horse is responding as if you are unclear or concerning. That creates something called Cognitive Dissonance, which is simply when your brain is trying to hold two conflicting ideas at the same time. You believe you are being kind and reasonable, but the horse is reacting as if you are not.😫
So you try harder.
You start monitoring everything, including your timing, your hands, your posture, and even your breathing. You become intensely aware of yourself in a way that is neither helpful nor relaxing. This is where Hypervigilance begins to creep in, and nothing feels natural anymore.
Then someone else handles your horse, and the horse is fine.
That is the moment it stops being confusing and starts feeling personal.
This is where people begin to feel stuck. You try, and it does not work. You try again, and it still does not work. Over time, this can turn into Learned Helplessness, which is when you start to feel like nothing you do makes a difference anymore.😥
Underneath that is something people do not talk about enough.
Grief.
Grief for the rider you thought you were, for the version of you that felt capable, and for the ease you used to have.💔
Here is the uncomfortable but very useful truth.
This is not a kindness problem. It is a clarity problem.
Clarity is not a feeling or “good energy.” Clarity is when the horse can understand you. It means the horse can tell what you are asking, find the answer, feel release when they get it right, and begin to predict you. It lives in your timing, your consistency, your ability to make things make sense and activity capture their attention.
Horses do not interpret intention the way humans do. They do not think, “She means well.” They experience clarity or confusion. And confusing is not comforting.
Here is the glitch.
The more you try to fix this with more kindness, without improving clarity and skill, the worse it gets, because you are solving the wrong problem.
Partnership is not built on a good heart alone.😎
A good heart matters. It is what drives you to care, to try, and to want better for your horse. But it is not enough on its own. Partnership comes from using that good heart as motivation and dedication to develop the skills that help a horse feel safe, clear, and understood.
So if this is happening to you, pause.
You are not failing. You have just found a gap.
And here is the part most people miss.
If you have a horse that reveals this gap to you, it is not bad luck. It is a gift. Many people go their entire lives with horses and never see this. They stay comfortable-ish, but limited. They never quite learn how to truly communicate in a way that makes sense to the horse.
This horse, as frustrating as it feels, is showing you something deeper.
If you choose to learn it, it will take you to another level. One day, you will look back and feel grateful for the horse that made it impossible to stay the same.🥺
This is the kind of work I spend my time helping people learn. It’s an honour to do so.❤
Collectable Advide 193/365. Hit Save or Share, please no copying and pasting.
