I quite clearly remember being severely depressed when I was 9/10. As I got older my weight got higher and my depression deeper. I thought of su***de daily, and had several failed attempts. When I was 13, my Grandma - my best friend - had a massive heart attack and died. Devastated, I convinced myself that it was her weight that caused it. I decided I had to lose weight one way or another. Problem was - I didn't know how. So I stopped eating. My mother forced half a sandwich into me every day for about 2 years. I dropped to 120 pounds and was mostly happy with my that number. I didn't realize how sickly I looked. I was the definition of "skinny fat". After a few years I got tired of not eating. I loved food and my will power ran out. I started eating again, but could only eat a palmful of food at a time. I was happy with this. I got content. And slowly started gaining weight. When I graduated high school I was 145 pounds, which was a good weight. Unfortunately, I let myself go. Throughout college I paid no attention to my weight and had no idea how much I weighed. Then when I was about 24, a coworker bought me a scale for Christmas. I was 180. I told myself "As long as I don't hit 200, I'm fine." I didn't look at the scale again. Not because I didn't care, but because I was terrified of it. I knew what it would tell me. My eating was out of control. I worked in food service and would mindlessly eat all day long. Shifts would sometimes last 18+ hours. One of my supervisors constantly called me names, making fun of my weight. I was humiliated, but knew I didn't have the willpower to starve myself again. And I didn't know any other way to lose weight. Then in early 2008, I hit rock bottom. That is a whole nother story and is posted as a note. Sometimes I stop and think and wish I had known how to exercise and eat better when I was a kid. How would my life be different? Would I be more outgoing and sociable? Would I be less awkward around people? Who knows. I wanted to run mostly because I didn't believe that I could. I had absolutely no faith in myself or my abilities. This is a struggle I still fight with, but I know the truth. I started this page first because none of my friends on my personal page cared. My running and health posts were ignored, people started unfriending me, and I was called annoying. I wanted a place where I could post to my heart's content. Then, as more people started liking this page, I realized that I want to inspire people. I don't want anyone to feel like I did. And even if just one person says "Hey, you know, she did it, so can I" then my life is complete. That's what I was put on this earth to do.
