25/05/2023
UPDATE: I am a member of a kidney group and someone posted I guess a farewell kinda of post because they are tired of CKD and that are throwing in the towel. Mind you a TOTAL STRANGER TO ME. I said to myself wow that was me 8 days ago..... 30 minutes later I'm laying here BALLING my eyes out. Below is my response or "input" to her post and after I replied it to her I thought Holy s**t I could write a book. Lol. My emotions were 💯 so I figured why not share that raw emotion with my "Team" ( everyone of you still reading this long ass message lol). It's long I'm sorry BUT wow I feel freedom mentally and being an open book is WHO I AM.... get a cup of coffee and sit back and relax while ya read Chapter 1 lol.....
RESPONSE: Trust me when I say I was feeling like you 3 weeks ago. I told my family I'm going to just let nature takes its course and me when it's ready because I'm TIRED. YOU understand that true meaning of the word because you and I have the same definition of it. Our family and friends who don't have kidney disease can only sympathize with us. We can empathize with each other on a different level even though we are total strangers. At 8% UREMIA has set in to your body and THAT is what is controlling your emotions and the meaning of being tired. I had surgery for Peritoneal Catheter placement May 10th at 13%... I was being proactive instead of reactive because I know in my ❤️ dialysis was inevitable. 7 days later for no reason my egfr plummeted to 6% and on May 17th I dialed 911. I layed in the emergency crying like a 5 yr old who had just broke a bone. I was beyond scared. This is it? I'm going to die at 51? My son is going to turn 30 at my graveside in Sept instead of celebrating with him. I'm exhausted 😩 I CAN NOT do this anymore but dammit it's not what I expected from my life. I was admitted within MINUTES. I did not know who I was on Thurs. Couldn't verify my date of birth or tell you my name. My levels were Critical. Not High... CRITICAL. yesterday was 7 days and 6 dialysis sessions later.... I am FURIOUS with myself for not doing it sooner! I feel AMAZBALLS as my son would say. Lol. Is it easier than throwing in the towel? HELL NO! I fear today's session will be the day I vomit because nausea is OFF THE CHARTS! BUT I'm alive and not as tired. I feel like running a marathon the first 2 hrs after coming off that machine and then I crash like a 747. But for 2 hrs I forget I'm sick and suck up the renewed energy. Every session the 2 hr period extends. The 17th I was lucky for the 30 min. Last night was 2 hrs. I'm laying here 3 hrs before I HAVE to get up to go sit in a hard ass chair for 6 hrs PLANNING on what I'm gonna do from 4 to 6pm with my window? 2 weeks ago I was calculated that I hadn't got out of bed in 16 hrs and wondering if it's possible to sleep 24 hrs?? Is Dialysis is the easier choice. NOPE. But I am so grateful to have done it initially because of my son's face when he saw me hooked up to that machine the 1st 4 days for 12 hrs a day. That last Hoorah effort of fine just give me the damn dialysis so everyone would just shut up... literally cleared the cobwebs from head and I can see cearly now that the fog is gone. Do it! One last ditch effort for yourself. If after 90 days you aren't "feeling it" stop dialysis and let nature takes its course BUT at least you tried. My aha moment was ONLY 4 days in not 90 and I am SO THANKFUL to MYSELF for taking this road instead of the other and I AM ready to live everyday (once I get off the machine) to the fullest. I would be dead right now literally had I made another choice and again it wasn't the easier choice but it also wasn't my FINAL choice ever. Do some thinking and make a decision for YOURSELF not anyone else. You are worthy enough to give yourself 1 last chance. I am so grateful I did because I am slowly feeling like I did 3 yrs before CKD became an issue. Stay strong! Feel free to dm me. 💚
