The Battle Within

02/05/2026

02/05/2026

Screaming at the top of my lungs I LOVE THIS!!!!!

02/05/2026

Glory where Glory is due 🙌🙌🙌

02/05/2026

Still don't feel well. I got a big diet strawberry limeade from Sonic (the strawberry stuff has sugar but I don't care, I got a diet limeade and I'm sick so I wanted it) and had a big bowl of chicken noodle soup this evening when I finally felt hungry. That's the total for today.

02/04/2026

Today has been a really bad mental health day on top of feeling sick. I am tired of struggling just to barely survive. I'm tired of giving my everything for it to not be enough or worse yet, to not matter at all and just not even come into consideration. I'm tired of trying to advance to be punched in the face with resounding no 's and silence. I am tired of trying to find a way out of hopeless situations and not finding any way out and having to just suffer. I am tired of not understanding how this world works. There is something wrong with me. There has to be. I just don't understand how things are or something. I am so tired of everything I was raised to believe as truth being a flat out lie in today's world. You don't get anywhere when you work hard. They just want you to work harder for nothing more. It becomes the expectation. I feel insane. On a regular basis. I am so lost in my own head some days. I am literally doing all this weight loss s**t with no hopes for a future of happiness. If I am being honest, I don't want it to be me being fat that kills me. And I don't want to embarrass my kids. That's my only motivation. I don't dream anymore. I don't have any desires that I truly believe I will acquire. I don't dream of trips and places to see and experiences to have anymore. It's all disappointing and depressing and so I just don't do that anymore. And when I accidentally do because, despite the logical knowledge I have of how the world works, and of how it is unfair and I can't figure out the magic code to fix that, I fall into despair and depression because it doesn't ever work. Nothing comes of anything I dream of so I stopped doing so.

Now I am defeated because no matter how hard you work, no matter what you do extra and above and beyond, it will just be taken advantage of and more and more and more will be wanted from you. And you will be demonized when you can't or refuse to deliver.

If I could build my own house out of random lumber even pallets in the back woods somewhere and just grow my own s**t and shut out the world I would. Even if I die of starvation, at this point I just don't give a s**t. I want to be alone away from anything or anyone who can hurt me or use me. I'm just done

02/04/2026

Saaaame! The worst is my family is all blessed, even the skinnies. I got robbed. I have a large B after two kids 🙄😫

02/04/2026

Yeeeessss!!!!!!

02/04/2026

It has taken me 3 days to drink this 20 oz Coke Zero. Lol

02/04/2026

I am not feeling well at all today. It was really hard to try to get steady calories when I feel like crap and don't want to eat. But I wanted to try to get something in there. Not everything stayed cuz my tummy is upset but at least I didn't starve myself today either. Thank God for protein shakes