03/16/2025
This is so true….
When Your ND Kid is Having A Meltdown and You Need A Little Pixie Dust....
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When it comes to your kid falling apart and coping with enormous feelings.....
Sometimes you need to SEEM to do nothing.
Let me clarify--
You need to ensure that your child is physically SAFE and then just hold space for them,
saying nothing
or saying very little,
just modeling calm for them
and being present/available to them.
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It's easier said than done,
particularly if you have a bigger kid, approaching adolescence or adulthood.
Kids at that age, will often bait you.
Why?
Because they are frustrated, and you represent a lot of what they are frustrated with!
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You APPEAR to have all the agency they long for, and on top of it,
you make everything look EASY, because you are more practiced at Executive Functioning.
And Executive Functioning is everything!
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Because you have MORE E.F., than they do.....
You rarely forget your shoes when you are leaving the house.
You KNOW to resist audibly calling your boss "an idiot" during staff meeting.
You can choose what flavor ice cream you want, without freezing in the aisle for a 10 minute pros and cons session.
You know to look outside at the weather before choosing to wear pants or shorts.
You are able to tune out sirens in order to focus on the information a doctor is relaying to you, over the phone.
You are able to Pivot from washing dishes to answering the knock at the door, without a visible transition meltdown.
You remember to gas up the car before it runs out, on the highway.
You are able to do mental math, KNOW something is outside your budget, and set the idea aside, so you will be able to make rent
You're even able to "tune out" Aunt Heather's constant criticisms about your haircut, and not let it bring your mood down....
And ALL those things are Executive Functioning skills!
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But to your big kids, these don't seem like skills.
They don't seem like things you had to practice and work at.
They just seem to be a part of you...a natural talent....something they didn't inherit....
Maybe even some magical secret you are withholding from them.
And it can be EXHAUSTING feeling like the only one who wasn't given the "Pixie Dust" (Executive Functioning),
and feeling like the people who HAVE the Executive Functioning are waving it in their faces and saying,
"Maybe if you just wished for it hard enough, you too, could do the unthinkable."
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Just picturing it--
I'm getting a mental image of Peter Pan, telling the Darling children to try flying by trying really hard to "have happy thoughts,"
but without having equipped them with the all-important Pixie Dust....
so the Darling children are trying over and over,
and face planting again and again
Doomed to fail...they don't have Executive Functioning (Pixie Dust).
Now, imagine being one of those kids, watching Peter flit here and there, chasing his shadow,
while you lay bruised and bloody on the floor.
Would YOU be happy with Peter?
Or would you feel resentful, envious, confused, and a bit repelled?
I would definitely feel resentful.
So, the fact that my big kids spend a significant part of each week, resenting ME, isn't really a surprise.
But there are some things I can do, to smooth things out. Things that look to an outsider, like I am doing a whole lot of NOTHING.
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1) I can empathize with my child and validate their feelings.
(You seem angry right now. That's a normal feeling. You are allowed to be angry)
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2) I can make sure they stay safe
(Grandpa Kevin, your raised voice isn't what Simone needs right now to feel safe. You can wait for us, over there.)
(Please go around us. My daughter needs to lay down on the floor for a moment. We don't need any help. Thanks for understanding.)
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3) I can stay quiet and let them vent out anger, disappointment, fear, and frustration without taking it personally or inflicting punishments.
It's just a part of how their unfiltered subconscious is processing, because their Executive Functioning isn't strong enough to filter things, yet.
(My kid might need a target for their anger, and I seem like a safe target. One who is strong enough to take a few hits without crumbling or costing them big. It's a compliment. They see me as invulnerable.)
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4) I can continue to help them feel safe with acts of love.
(Offering a cold drink, squeezing a shoulder, covering them with a blanket, handing them something they dropped, sitting side by side with them, etc.)
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5) When they are calmed down and happy enough to be back to acting like their typical self, I can be HONEST with them about how hard it was, growing up.
I can share stories of my struggles, with them...not one upping them...just being relatable.
I can tell them how my working memory HAD to improve because I was driving the Auto Club crazy when I kept locking my keys in my car multiple times a day,
and because Grandma was refusing to buy me another graphing calculator after I lost 2.
I can tell them about the time I drove to work on Christmas because I forgot the office was closed,
and about how impossible it felt to follow Uncle Terry's direction to "ignore" my little sister when she kept calling me "booger-head."
I can explain how hard it felt to concentrate in school,
and how a planner didn't help me remember to turn in papers on time, so I often got points deducted.
I can be HONEST and then tell them the best part: IT GETS BETTER.
Age and practice result DO improve things, and it WON'T always be this hard.
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That is SUCH an important message for our teens and tweens, who are prone to depression, overwhelmed by stress, and confused about where they will fit in.
They need to hear that it WILL get better, and EASIER, with time.
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And in the meantime, I give you permission to SEEM to do nothing, by simply acting enough to
*keep them safe
*let them say "rude," unfiltered things without punishment
*stay with them, quietly and calmly
*and let their basal, primal brains finish processing big feelings,
so their higher order, thinking brains can get down to business
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And let me tell you one last thing.
YOU are ALSO like one of the Darling Children, too...laying bruised and bloody on the floor.
Only YOUR Peter Pan, keeps telling you that if you "discipline" (punish) your child enough, you too, will fly
and everything will be shiny and happy and wonderful.
Only something is still missing.... YOUR version of Magic Pixie Dust...the secret ingredient has been forgotten.
You'll never fly without it.
And YOUR Magic Pixie Dust is modeling physical and emotional regulation for your frequently dysregulated child--
pretending to be calm even if you don't feel it,
staying silent if you don't have anything nice or supportive to say,
showing them unconditional love, that you will stay by their side, even when they are tear stained or wailing,
being the foundation they need to build themselves up.
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THAT is REAL discipline.
Not casual punishments, doled out to cause suffering.
We don't learn better from teachers who make us suffer and threaten us.
We don't learn quicker when we are scared.
Discipline is training your brain to do something in a controlled way.
Discipline is EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING.
So if you want to fly with your kids, you are going to have to use YOUR regulation skills to enhance THEIR Executive Functioning.
And the more you do it, the easier it will become, because IT GETS BETTER....
and eventually it will seem like you BOTH have ALWAYS had a little pouch of Pixie Dust in your pocket.
It won't feel shockingly rare, at all.
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Are you feeling low on Pixie Dust?
I bet you have more reserves than you realize.
Tell me 3 things that come easier to you now, than they did when you were a teenager.
I bet those things require Executive Functioning.
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For instance:
1) I get lost less often, because I can remember the next few turns I need to make, even with the radio on
2) I make simple decisions much faster, so it doesn't take 30 min to choose which movie I want to watch
3) I haven't accidentally washed a cell phone with my clothes, in years.
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*Photo because some things are ALWAYS in fashion. Like Developing Self Regulation Skills and Growing Executive Functioning.
