02/18/2024
Compassion Fatigue
This is a tough one to talk about because it comes with a lot of shame. We want to be there for our person, but some days it can feel like too much; like we can’t do it one more day. But, understanding how much harder it must be for them can make us embarrassed to even admit we are struggling.
Supporting someone with a long-term illness, particularly a mental illness, is HARD. When that illness is uncontrolled for a long stretch of time- compassion fatigue can begin to rear its ugly head.
Let’s be clear- compassion fatigue does not mean you don’t love and care for your person. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to continue to support them. What it does mean is that you are running on empty. You are stretched too thin. You have put your own needs on the back burner for too long, so long in fact, you may no longer know what your needs are.
Mental illness presents very different from a physical illness. They call it invisible for a reason. You may see your loved one “rally” at school. Or they might be able to manage more enjoyable activities, like video games, but be incapable of loading a dishwasher. This mixed messaging can create resentment and frustration.
It helps to understand the presentation of a mental health disorder. People suffering from these issues are Masking royalty! They can feign happiness and joy at Oscar performance levels. They are the masters of disguise. Why? Because they have to be.
But we, my dear caregivers, are their safe space, they don’t have to mask for us. After a long day of acting fine, they come home and can decompensate quickly. We are often times the ones who they take that frustration of the day out on. This puts a toll on us, and it can bring up feelings of resentment. Understanding why it’s happening doesn’t always protect our hearts.
Mental health is incredibly personal. It can be hateful and cruel, it can turn your person into someone you don’t recognize, especially when they’ve had to hide how sick they are all day. When that person is only ever shown to you, it feels like an attack. This presentation can make us feel unappreciated, disrespected, hurt, and unloved. How do we navigate these feelings?
In that moment, we need to separate the behavior from the person. Your person has left the building, what you are dealing with is a ball of raw emotion that is spiraling out of control. We can’t take what they say to heart, it’s not about us. What I recommend is to first and foremost:
BREATHE
Deep steady diaphragmatic breaths will help keep YOU regulated
DO NOT ENGAGE
This is hard but meeting them where they are will only escalate the situation and possibly put you in a crisis
VALIDATE
Regardless of the venom they spew at you, remember this is the result of a day that was more than your loved one could bear. Statements like:
It seems like you had a difficult day and need to vent
I am proud of you for navigating a challenging day, why don’t you take some time to decompress
You appear frustrated and overwhelmed, how can I support you
Once you can deescalate the situation, take time to self-regulate. These moments can put us in fight or flight mode so it’s important for us to take a moment for ourselves. Take a walk, scream and cry in the bathroom, do some grounding exercises. This is hard!! And we are human and need to process our feelings too. When we don’t, it creates resentment, and compassion fatigue begins to creep in.
Not only is there the emotional load that caregiving can put on someone, but there are also the added responsibilities. When the person we care for is struggling with sleep, mood regulation, overwhelming sadness, or crippling anxiety, they don’t do the day-to-day responsibilities. That leads to us carrying a much heavier load.
When the one suffering from mental illness is struggling, It can be recommended for them to use behavior activation or to use their coping skills to regulate. However, that oftentimes is seeking out enjoyable activities like a hobby, gaming, exercise, a massage, shopping, or spa day. Rarely is it ever cleaning the kitchen or mowing the lawn. Why? Chores are not dopamine activators or mood regulators, and that’s what they need to help shift their mood.
As caregivers sometimes this can look selfish to us. If they feel well enough to go shopping why can’t they help clean the bathroom? When was the last time we had a massage or had a lunch date with friends? Why are we the ones always making the sacrifices? When we hear this inner dialogue it’s time to look in the mirror. What are you doing to take care of yourself? How are your needs being met? And if they aren’t, how can you start?
The most difficult thing to do as a caregiver is to take care of ourselves. But not doing it comes at a high price. As we have all heard a million times over, you can’t fill from an empty cup.
When we feel ourselves getting bitter, angry, and irritated, these are signs of compassion fatigue and it’s time to tap out. Honor the feelings of frustration, loss, and grief. Take care of ourselves.
If you are able, take the spa day, go to a sporting event or concert. But it doesn’t have to be something big. Some of the most therapeutic things can be done at home for free. Meditate and do somatic stretches or yoga poses. Watch a show and leave the dishes in the sink. Read a book and vacuum tomorrow. Take the extra time to do the self-care shower. Pull out all the stops- face mask, deep hair conditioner and all! Heck, maybe go crazy and shave your legs!
Allow yourself to feel human again. Because you are just that, you are only HUMAN.
And if you are still struggling with compassion fatigue, seek out someone to talk to. For more information on my life coaching specializing in caregivers to those with mental illness message me or go to my page.
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