01/26/2017
YOU vs. I and PERCEPTION vs. FACTS
Arguments take place in every relationship. Partners in good relationships have a way of resolving differences. Partners in bad relationships have the same or similar arguments crop up time after time.
Lets look at two concepts involved in conflict resolution. The first can be characterized as making "You" versus "I" statements. A common yet useless, if not destructive, approach is for one partner to talk about the other in an argument. This can be described as making "you" statements. For example, "You lied to me". In this approach blame is frequent. When blamed, the listener often gets defensive or counter-attacks. The argument usually only gets hotter as blame, counter blame, and denial ensue. At best, apologies are offered. At worst, angry silence lasts for hours or maybe days with a gradual warm up occurring. Little is truly resolved either way.
A better approach is to use " I" statements. Talk about yourself, not the other person. Talk about how you feel. Talk about how your partner's words or actions affect you. In this instance, your partner is more likely to listen. "I" statements rarely evoke defensiveness, whereas "you" statements almost always do. I statements further conversation. "You" statements lead to ending conversations before the matter is resolved to the satisfaction of both parties. "I" statements make it more likely for the listener to be interested in what the speaker is saying. "I" statements foster curiosity. "You" statements often lead toward a conversation that looks more like a courtroom where guilt or innocence is decided rather than a couple trying to resolve their differences.
The second concept involves the distinction between perception and fact. Often times we treat what our partner says as a fact whose truth is to be debated. True or false? Who is right? Who is wrong? This, along with "you" statements, makes for angry, heated debates that rarely are truly resolved.
Far better to treat what our partners say as their perception--a perception that is valid and important. But, not a fact. In fact (pun is intended), I often say to my patients that "relationships are all about perception". That is not to say that facts don't exist. They most certainly do. Facts are best treated as something observable with our eyes, ears, and nose. This post is a fact, not a perception. Whether it has any value is a perception, however. Perceptions are what matter in our relationships. Understandably, we have to reference facts even when making "I" statements, but the facts are merely referenced. When we argue using "you" statements, the facts often become the main focus of the argument.
EXAMPLE: That your partner wrote you a letter of apology is a fact. Whether it was good or bad is perception. If you think your partner wrote the apology letter simply to get out of trouble, you will not be very happy. However, if you think the letter was written with full sincerity, you will probably smile and give your partner a hug or kiss. Either way, it is a fact that your partner wrote a letter of apology. It is the meaning intended and the meaning perceived that counts.
If we treat what we each other says as a perception, we can be curious. In a genuine way we can ask, "What have I done to make you feel like I don't love you?" This contrasts with sarcastic, denial-filled questions like "what have I ever done to make you feel like I don't love you?" Can you, the reader, hear the difference? The words are identical, but the tone of voice says it all. Try saying this sentence in one way, then again in the other. Listen for the difference in your own voice. One usually leads to more conversation. The other often leads to defensiveness. One leads to resolution. The other leads to more arguments and further estrangement.
In summary, when dealing with differences use "I" statements and focus on perception. Speak for and about yourself and leave your partner to speak for and about themselves. Avoid you statements. Focus on what words and actions mean to you and to your partner. Treat both perceptions with respect. Reference facts, yet make the facts less important than what they mean to you and to your partner. Speak to your partner in a way that induces them to be interested in what you are saying. Avoid speaking in a way that engenders defensiveness or denial. Respond to your partner in a way that encourages openness. Avoid defensive, counter-blaming responses.
Easy? No. Far from it. This approach requires mindfulness. It is very easy to blame and get defensive. That seems to come naturally. No thought is required. Rewarding? YES. Inevitably, it seems like the things that require hard work are more valuable. Applying good conflict resolution skills is hard work.
