01/27/2025
Oh my! this hits home.
Here's an example: "Can you please not leave the cap off the toothpaste?" "Can you please put the cap back on the toothpaste after you use it?' While looking at the toothpaste tube left uncapped saying, "Leaving the cap off makes the toothpaste dry out. That's wasteful." Walk into bathroom, partner is brushing his teeth and cap is still off the toothpaste, "Why are you such a slob?" Crying and saying, "see you don't care about me, because you don't listen." "What's wrong with you?" What's wrong with me? "There is something wrong with us." it was never about the toothpaste was it? Until your partner sees the toothpaste tube and the uncapped lid as distressing as you they might not change. "But if they loved me they would do it for me." This turns into many scenarios. doesn't it?
Your partner's change lies in their own decisions of personal accountability. Talk, nag, beg, plead but it's not really about the toothpaste. Deeper understanding about what's going on inside each other's hearts is where the solution lies. If you or your partner struggle with personal accountability this might be a little tricky. In the meantime, even while that darn lid is off the toothpaste tube and there is toothpaste ooozing all over the counter. Can you be accountable for your own feelings around ______ (fill in the blank)? Stop the requests and the pleading and look at the bigger picture. What can you own? what is the deeper feeling? Try this, "When my partner leaves the toothpaste off, even after I've asked a thousand times not to. I feel..." Then take some time to journal write down and explore your own heart around those feelings. This can often lead to deeper more meaningful conversations with each other.