Selah Counseling

04/29/2026

In psychology, we use the word meta-emotions to describe how we feel about our emotions. For example: When I feel anxious, sometimes I feel frustrated and self-judgmental about feeling anxious. Other times when I’m anxious, I feel self-compassionate and accepting.⠀
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How we feel about our emotions has a major impact on how we cope AND how long those emotions last. When I felt guilt after setting a boundary, I used to feel frustration and fear ABOUT the guilt. “I shouldn’t be feeling guilty about this!” I would chastise myself. “I know this was an important and healthy thing to do, so why the hell do I feel so guilty?” I also saw the guilt as a sign that I must’ve done something “wrong” or “bad” ⁠— otherwise, why would this emotion be here?⠀
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Now, I’ve come to reframe post-boundary guilt as a growing pain. Like muscle soreness after physical exercise, my guilt after setting a healthy boundary is a sign of a workout that stretched a truth-speaking muscle in the name of long-term wellbeing. 💥⠀
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The less I have a history of exercising that muscle, the stronger the soreness/guilt might be ⁠— at first. The more I exercise that muscle, the more moderated that soreness/guilt will become as speaking my truth becomes second nature.⠀
Ascribing meaning, purpose, and intention to our guilt is important for a few reasons.

✨First, it helps us anticipate the guilt so that it doesn’t come as a surprise and catch us off guard, which can be destabilizing and compel us to redact our boundaries.

✨Second, it helps us built a resilient and compassionate relationship TO our guilt, making it more bearable to soothe through and, in my experience, fade more quickly.⠀

✨And third, it helps us recognize that we can survive difficult interactions and come out the other side stronger, making us more likely to self-advocate in the future.

Disclaimer: On a side note, if you have a certain type of anxiety - your intrusive thoughts may be trying to assign meaning to "feelings" of guilt on OVERDRIVE. If you struggle with unshakable fear because of intrusive thoughts that make you *feel* guilty (like you’re constantly outrunning guilt), and need to do *something* to manage those sensations - it might be worth getting assessed for scrupulosity or another OCD theme. 🩷

04/18/2026

04/18/2026

“Send me a pic 👀”

Ah yes, the modern-day peer pressure moment your kid may face that you might not have been prepared for!

(Or let's not kid ourselves - maybe we need it too! Dating etiquette can be rough out there).

Here are 5 cheeky, save-for-later comebacks kids/teens can use to dodge n**e requests and keep their dignity intact.

Light, a little funny, but still a clear no.

Because sometimes confidence + a little humor feels like the cleanest exit. 💗

However, please let them know they don’t owe anyone politeness when someone crosses a boundary. Saying:

“I’m not comfortable with that.”
“Stop asking or I’m blocking you.”
“I don’t trade in content—I’m more of a personality subscription.”
“Respectfully, that’s not happening.”
“Request denied 🚫 don't try again.”
“I’m busy being a kid, not doing that.”
“That’s a weird ask… I’m gonna pass.”

Are also totally acceptable answers too! 🤟👌

Save this for later—or share it with a young person who might need backup words when the pressure hits. 💬

03/27/2026

Peer pressure is real. Peer pressure since the internet blew up - UNREAL - and not in a good way. Did you know 1 in 3 teen boys are asked to share a n**e photo? Did you also know, if they do, the risk of su***de rises due to blackmail and shame? Giving kids 1 liners for this can be helpful in preparing them.

Here's 5 of my favorites that boys/girls tend to feel good about:

1) "My parents monitor my devices, so thats not an option for me.

2) "I really like you, but I'm not comfortable with that. I hope you can respect my boundaries."

3) "I like you without having to see you naked. I want that to be the case both ways."

4) *Send photo of black screen* "Here's a picture of me in the dark, that's all you're getting 😛!"

5) *meme or photo of noodles" These are the only noods I send.

I'll post some fun graphics to go along with this to keep for your teens. 🩷

03/27/2026

My son was about 4 years old when he heard Barney singing the "I love you, you love me" song. His reaction wasn't what I expected...

E - "Huh. I don't love hiiiim. Hmph!" (Obviously uncomfortable)

These little intros give such a wonderful opportunity to speak about trust, relationships, and comfort levels. A 4 year old already has such complex and developed notions of what feels right to them.

So where do we start in fostering intuition?

By using these moments as trailheads, or sign posts, to offramp onto deeper conversations! Opportunism at it's finest if you ask me.

Second, allow connection and curiosity to be your driver. That could sound like the following example:

- *Pause show* and turn towards your child with delight. "That's great you recognize that. What about him is different from something or someone you *do* trust?" -

That's it. Truly. Children are sophisticated trailblazers when we direct them towards the paths already there.

It would be easy to just say nothing, correct his tone, or try to "fix" just to move on which can be dismissive (Okay, it's just a song. You don't have to love him). But there is a great depth more in the moments when we can take the time...

These conversations help set up safety and boundaries for my kid in the long term. Those gut instincts are real you guys, and even if the narrative we put to them aren't always accurate - the initial feeling is one of our first and most powerful threat detectors! We want to make sure how kids' batteries stay working, and know how to tune into the signal.

I learned so much on that 10 minute "path" that may not have been easily replicated non-organically.

We also were able to have a short talk on strange behavior (a better substitute for stranger-danger by the way). If that's something you are interested in, I can post about that too. ❤ Just let me know below!

03/15/2026

As a therapist and mom who specializes in attachment, I often hear people wonder if my children ever lose it, and boy, do they!❤

After I swallow a sarcastic comment of, "They sometimes let me take a coffee break", I reassure them... I am a human raising humans.

With that in mind, I want to take this time to answer the next common question. How can you have attuned parenting without getting walked on? Attuned parenting is not permissive. So, I'll welcome you into a little moment of our home.

E was mad the other night. Very, very mad. He was angry about going to bed and didn't want to stay in his room. I go into these moments surrendering to the concept: Accept the feelings without judgement of *him*, and lovingly hold the boundary without judgement of *myself*.

After a couple attempts to leave the room, E was yelling and crying in his room with me there.
E - "I'm NOT going to sleep! I'm going to STAY UP ALLLLLLL NIGHT!"
Mama - "Yes. I can see you're not ready to go to sleep."
E - "I'm going to push you over and leave this room RIGHT NOW!" *hands up to push me*
Mama - "You're wanting to show me how badly you want to leave. I can't let you push me. If you leave, daddy or I will help bring your body back into the room."
E - "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I WANT TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"
Mama - *Nodding*
E - *Gets close to kick*
Mama - "I can't let you kick."
E - "Yes you can! I want to."
Mama - "It is hard to hear no. When we hear 'no' it sometimes makes us want to kick to show people how angry we are. I see how angry you are. It makes total sense that you are angry. You don't want to be in here alone. You don't want to sleep. You have every right to be angry."

I let him cry for a while (it's less about filling the space with words, and more about filling it with my confident/calm presence - quiet or talking). He eventually said, "I'm just going to lay down. Not sleep. Not rest."

He continued to cry and as he did I told him, "You're doing a great job laying down. You're doing a great job not sleeping. You're doing a great job being mad at mama."

E - "I'm very very mad at you. As mad as a rocket to space with fire inside."
Mama - "Thank you for describing that to me, honey. That's a lot of feelings to hold. Mama still loves you with all that fire. You're doing a great job. This is very hard for you to stay in your room. It's okay to be angry, as angry as a rocket. Would you like me to rub your back or come back in a couple minutes to check on you?"
E - "Rub my back."

We were able to repair. I didn't need to lecture on how kicking hurts or that it can hurt feelings. He already knows. The idea "he isn't giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time" is a very helpful mantra to remind myself in these moments. Being a therapist doesn't preclude me from "the work".

To love an imperfect person, help them understand what I will and will not tolerate, and celebrate the areas of regulation creates a bonding experience in conflict. We are repairing from the moment the rupture or conflict begins. When the opportunity presents, connecting affirmations and physical comfort create the bedrock for healthy relationships later on. It seems counter intuitive, but children need to express the fullness of their messy feelings within behavioral limits *now* to know how to be the master of them later.

In total, it took about 15-20 minutes. But there were no punishments, scolding, things taken away, or lecturing. The emotions/behaviors rose and they fell. Connection resumed. And he was able to stay in his room the rest of the evening.

02/24/2026

I honestly love working with men. There have been so many times a male (as part of a couple or individually) comes into the office - having tried countless stabs at therapy before. But those experiences left them without traction outside of more performance or emotional scripts. Its rewarding to impart knowledge therapeutically through an attachment lens, and have everything start gaining momentum - to see them get real teeth in the game that's measurable.

Attachment work doesn’t replace men's strength.
It widens the margins their strength can operate in.

Because it takes another of type strength — the strength of ability/capacity — to notice, reflect, and choose differently:
“I see why I pull back.”
“I can stay present instead of leaving.”
“I can feel without losing control.”

This is strength that can stay, feel, repair, and connect — all at once.

It doesn't leave men weaker or softer. It allows them to be the sturdy cornerstone in their own lives. Not cornered in. Not scrambling or numbed out. And it's really beautiful to watch.

02/18/2026

Helplessness is this feeling of being “stuck” or trapped in a certain life experience, it can lead to depression and anxiety. It’s this core belief that things just happen to us, and we have no control over the outcome of our life. It’s a trauma response that makes us unable to direct the course of our own lives.

When you come from a home where you were always told what to do or what to want and/or constantly corrected when you made a choice.... You rarely had the experience of being listened to.

It's common for the subconscious mind to learn to repress it’s opinion as an adaptation to avoid confrontation in the home. Long-term this produces an adult that has not produced a decision making compass for themselves. ⁣

If you resonate with adult helplessness you may be:
- deeply fearful of criticism
- extremely risk adverse
- every task may feel completely overwhelming
- you can’t make any choice or decision without input from someone
- you aren’t financially independent
- you take the passive role in most situations
- low self esteem

With healing, being aware of our harsh judgement in our internal dialogues and developing self trust and confidence comes with releasing this pressure on ourselves. We can begin to understand that we are worthy of creating life on our own value system and begin to understand that we are not responsible for the emotional stages of others.

02/18/2026

Our relationship with uncertainty can either keep us entangled in suffering, or it can open us into a wider interior landscape.

So many of us crave certainty. We want to know what is coming, what is waiting for us, what is already written. Most of us would at least be tempted to look into the crystal ball if it offered clarity— even if what we saw held loss or difficulty. Because knowing feels like preparedness. It feels like insulation that can hold the intangible parts of us together.

We tell ourselves that if we can just know what’s ahead, we won’t need to control. And yet it’s the pursuit of that knowing that quietly becomes its own form of control. This is how we become preoccupied with carving a path toward certainty.

So why does its absence unsettle us so deeply?
What exactly is confronted when nothing is guaranteed?
What are we actually afraid of?
Why does the unknown have the power to destabilize us the way it does?

Whatever surfaced for you—being wrong, being hurt, being exposed, disappointing someone—is likely the very thing you attempt to outrun by tightening your grip. But that grip was never capable of steering life’s course to begin with.

Here is the harder truth: certainty is not a human promise. Even the assurance of ultimate answers—after death, within faith, beyond this life—is not something we can empirically secure. And until we arrive there, we remain in the tension of not fully knowing.

As I'm writing this, Ecclesiastes 3:11 keeps coming to mind as an example, and maybe even a reason, for this desire.
“He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

The longing makes sense. We are structured with an ache for coherence, for stability, for divine explanation. The desire for clarity is not weakness; its a wiring we all have.

But what are we really assigning to certainty?
What meaning have we layered onto it?
Do we equate it with safety? Protection? Immunity from pain?

Or has it become a kind of anesthetic—something that soothes anxiety without strengthening the deeper capacities beneath it? The capacities for resilience. For adaptation. For discernment. For remaining present when outcomes are not secured.

At some point the work shifts. It stops being about extracting guarantees from the future and becomes about tolerating the discomfort of “what if.” It asks us to build endurance for ambiguity rather than escape from it.

A steadier internal authority can begin to form there—one not dependent on perfect foresight, but on trust in our capacity to respond.

Release does not come from knowing everything.
It comes from loosening the demand to know.

We can withstand discomfort.
We can adjust.
We can repair.
We can begin again.
We can have purpose.

Maybe absorbing these more foundational things can start the process of untangling ourselves. 💛

02/17/2026

Conflict isn’t the enemy of your marriage or union.
Disconnection is.

(But I get it, it doesn’t always feel this way!)

Most couples don’t argue because they don’t care. They argue because something underneath feels vulnerable.

Instead of asking yourself or each other, “Why are we fighting again?” Maybe try asking: “What feels threatened right now?” and see what comes up.

Is it security?
Respect?
Being understood?
Feeling chosen?

When couples learn to slow down and get curious instead of defensive, change and unity while maintaining their separateness is very possible.

You don’t need fewer feelings.
You often need safer and clearer ways to express them, and willing partners to repair through those strained bonds and fears.

02/12/2026

Criticism of the people we love—our children, partners, friends, or church community—often tells us more about ourselves than it does about the person we’re criticizing.

As a therapist, if you tell me a criticism, I can probably help you clarify your unmet need.

The reality about criticism is that it’s not a very effective long-term strategy. It might create short-term changes in someone’s behavior, but those changes rarely last. That’s because the change often happens out of embarrassment, shame, or a desire to avoid conflict—not from genuine understanding or willingness.

Over time, repeated criticism can create a “devaluing effect” in the relationship. The other person may become more defensive, less cooperative, emotionally distant, numb, even contemptuous.

A more helpful tactic? Talk about your need in clear terms and set boundaries instead of identifying flaws in the other person.

This reduces defensiveness and offers a clear blueprint for how someone can succeed in relationship with you. (Of course, they still get to choose whether or not they follow that blueprint.)

Clinical disclaimer: The concepts discussed here refer to non-abusive relational dynamics. In the context of abuse, criticism functions as a mechanism of power and control rather than as an expression of unmet needs. In such cases, intervention should focus on safety, stabilization, and appropriate support services rather than communication restructuring.

01/21/2026

“Good feelings… are there any bad ones?”

Short answer: no!
There are no bad feelings.

Feelings aren’t moral. They aren’t right or wrong, good or bad. They’re information.

Emotions are the neutral *segway* between our automatic thoughts and our actions.
Something happens → a thought fires → a feeling shows up → then we act.

(Although we can have a somatic feeling and create meaning from that as well, but I digress! 🙂‍↕️)

So here's what that means for you and me:
Anger doesn’t ruin relationships.
Fear doesn’t make you weak.
Sadness isn’t a failure.
Even jealousy, resentment, or rage are signals—not character flaws.

What *does* cause harm is what we sometimes do while trying to maneuver through these feelings and sensations.

When we judge or suppress emotions, and/or tend to live a fairly unexamined life, feeling-laced-behaviors tend to come out sideways—through snapping, shutting down, numbing, overworking, self-criticism, and a whole gamut of things we've all seen or heard about. But when we slow down and listen, feelings can actually guide us toward clarity and choice.

We need curiosity, awareness, compassion, and accountability between some of those quick progressions to start making a change.

A helpful reframe:

* Thoughts tell a story
* Feelings signal meaning
* Actions are where responsibility lives

You don’t need to get rid of your feelings.
You need to understand their backstory.

In therapy, we don’t label emotions as “good” or “bad.”
We ask: What is this feeling trying to protect? What does it need? What choice do I want to make next?

Because awareness creates options.
And options can create change, if you want them 🩷.