Selah Counseling

03/15/2026

As a therapist and mom who specializes in attachment, I often hear people wonder if my children ever lose it, and boy, do they!❤

After I swallow a sarcastic comment of, "They sometimes let me take a coffee break", I reassure them... I am a human raising humans.

With that in mind, I want to take this time to answer the next common question. How can you have attuned parenting without getting walked on? Attuned parenting is not permissive. So, I'll welcome you into a little moment of our home.

E was mad the other night. Very, very mad. He was angry about going to bed and didn't want to stay in his room. I go into these moments surrendering to the concept: Accept the feelings without judgement of *him*, and lovingly hold the boundary without judgement of *myself*.

After a couple attempts to leave the room, E was yelling and crying in his room with me there.
E - "I'm NOT going to sleep! I'm going to STAY UP ALLLLLLL NIGHT!"
Mama - "Yes. I can see you're not ready to go to sleep."
E - "I'm going to push you over and leave this room RIGHT NOW!" *hands up to push me*
Mama - "You're wanting to show me how badly you want to leave. I can't let you push me. If you leave, daddy or I will help bring your body back into the room."
E - "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I WANT TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"
Mama - *Nodding*
E - *Gets close to kick*
Mama - "I can't let you kick."
E - "Yes you can! I want to."
Mama - "It is hard to hear no. When we hear 'no' it sometimes makes us want to kick to show people how angry we are. I see how angry you are. It makes total sense that you are angry. You don't want to be in here alone. You don't want to sleep. You have every right to be angry."

I let him cry for a while (it's less about filling the space with words, and more about filling it with my confident/calm presence - quiet or talking). He eventually said, "I'm just going to lay down. Not sleep. Not rest."

He continued to cry and as he did I told him, "You're doing a great job laying down. You're doing a great job not sleeping. You're doing a great job being mad at mama."

E - "I'm very very mad at you. As mad as a rocket to space with fire inside."
Mama - "Thank you for describing that to me, honey. That's a lot of feelings to hold. Mama still loves you with all that fire. You're doing a great job. This is very hard for you to stay in your room. It's okay to be angry, as angry as a rocket. Would you like me to rub your back or come back in a couple minutes to check on you?"
E - "Rub my back."

We were able to repair. I didn't need to lecture on how kicking hurts or that it can hurt feelings. He already knows. The idea "he isn't giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time" is a very helpful mantra to remind myself in these moments. Being a therapist doesn't preclude me from "the work".

To love an imperfect person, help them understand what I will and will not tolerate, and celebrate the areas of regulation creates a bonding experience in conflict. We are repairing from the moment the rupture or conflict begins. When the opportunity presents, connecting affirmations and physical comfort create the bedrock for healthy relationships later on. It seems counter intuitive, but children need to express the fullness of their messy feelings within behavioral limits *now* to know how to be the master of them later.

In total, it took about 15-20 minutes. But there were no punishments, scolding, things taken away, or lecturing. The emotions/behaviors rose and they fell. Connection resumed. And he was able to stay in his room the rest of the evening.

02/24/2026

I honestly love working with men. There have been so many times a male (as part of a couple or individually) comes into the office - having tried countless stabs at therapy before. But those experiences left them without traction outside of more performance or emotional scripts. Its rewarding to impart knowledge therapeutically through an attachment lens, and have everything start gaining momentum - to see them get real teeth in the game that's measurable.

Attachment work doesn’t replace men's strength.
It widens the margins their strength can operate in.

Because it takes another of type strength — the strength of ability/capacity — to notice, reflect, and choose differently:
“I see why I pull back.”
“I can stay present instead of leaving.”
“I can feel without losing control.”

This is strength that can stay, feel, repair, and connect — all at once.

It doesn't leave men weaker or softer. It allows them to be the sturdy cornerstone in their own lives. Not cornered in. Not scrambling or numbed out. And it's really beautiful to watch.

02/18/2026

Helplessness is this feeling of being “stuck” or trapped in a certain life experience, it can lead to depression and anxiety. It’s this core belief that things just happen to us, and we have no control over the outcome of our life. It’s a trauma response that makes us unable to direct the course of our own lives.

When you come from a home where you were always told what to do or what to want and/or constantly corrected when you made a choice.... You rarely had the experience of being listened to.

It's common for the subconscious mind to learn to repress it’s opinion as an adaptation to avoid confrontation in the home. Long-term this produces an adult that has not produced a decision making compass for themselves. ⁣

If you resonate with adult helplessness you may be:
- deeply fearful of criticism
- extremely risk adverse
- every task may feel completely overwhelming
- you can’t make any choice or decision without input from someone
- you aren’t financially independent
- you take the passive role in most situations
- low self esteem

With healing, being aware of our harsh judgement in our internal dialogues and developing self trust and confidence comes with releasing this pressure on ourselves. We can begin to understand that we are worthy of creating life on our own value system and begin to understand that we are not responsible for the emotional stages of others.

02/18/2026

Our relationship with uncertainty can either keep us entangled in suffering, or it can open us into a wider interior landscape.

So many of us crave certainty. We want to know what is coming, what is waiting for us, what is already written. Most of us would at least be tempted to look into the crystal ball if it offered clarity— even if what we saw held loss or difficulty. Because knowing feels like preparedness. It feels like insulation that can hold the intangible parts of us together.

We tell ourselves that if we can just know what’s ahead, we won’t need to control. And yet it’s the pursuit of that knowing that quietly becomes its own form of control. This is how we become preoccupied with carving a path toward certainty.

So why does its absence unsettle us so deeply?
What exactly is confronted when nothing is guaranteed?
What are we actually afraid of?
Why does the unknown have the power to destabilize us the way it does?

Whatever surfaced for you—being wrong, being hurt, being exposed, disappointing someone—is likely the very thing you attempt to outrun by tightening your grip. But that grip was never capable of steering life’s course to begin with.

Here is the harder truth: certainty is not a human promise. Even the assurance of ultimate answers—after death, within faith, beyond this life—is not something we can empirically secure. And until we arrive there, we remain in the tension of not fully knowing.

As I'm writing this, Ecclesiastes 3:11 keeps coming to mind as an example, and maybe even a reason, for this desire.
“He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

The longing makes sense. We are structured with an ache for coherence, for stability, for divine explanation. The desire for clarity is not weakness; its a wiring we all have.

But what are we really assigning to certainty?
What meaning have we layered onto it?
Do we equate it with safety? Protection? Immunity from pain?

Or has it become a kind of anesthetic—something that soothes anxiety without strengthening the deeper capacities beneath it? The capacities for resilience. For adaptation. For discernment. For remaining present when outcomes are not secured.

At some point the work shifts. It stops being about extracting guarantees from the future and becomes about tolerating the discomfort of “what if.” It asks us to build endurance for ambiguity rather than escape from it.

A steadier internal authority can begin to form there—one not dependent on perfect foresight, but on trust in our capacity to respond.

Release does not come from knowing everything.
It comes from loosening the demand to know.

We can withstand discomfort.
We can adjust.
We can repair.
We can begin again.
We can have purpose.

Maybe absorbing these more foundational things can start the process of untangling ourselves. 💛

02/17/2026

Conflict isn’t the enemy of your marriage or union.
Disconnection is.

(But I get it, it doesn’t always feel this way!)

Most couples don’t argue because they don’t care. They argue because something underneath feels vulnerable.

Instead of asking yourself or each other, “Why are we fighting again?” Maybe try asking: “What feels threatened right now?” and see what comes up.

Is it security?
Respect?
Being understood?
Feeling chosen?

When couples learn to slow down and get curious instead of defensive, change and unity while maintaining their separateness is very possible.

You don’t need fewer feelings.
You often need safer and clearer ways to express them, and willing partners to repair through those strained bonds and fears.

02/12/2026

Criticism of the people we love—our children, partners, friends, or church community—often tells us more about ourselves than it does about the person we’re criticizing.

As a therapist, if you tell me a criticism, I can probably help you clarify your unmet need.

The reality about criticism is that it’s not a very effective long-term strategy. It might create short-term changes in someone’s behavior, but those changes rarely last. That’s because the change often happens out of embarrassment, shame, or a desire to avoid conflict—not from genuine understanding or willingness.

Over time, repeated criticism can create a “devaluing effect” in the relationship. The other person may become more defensive, less cooperative, emotionally distant, numb, even contemptuous.

A more helpful tactic? Talk about your need in clear terms and set boundaries instead of identifying flaws in the other person.

This reduces defensiveness and offers a clear blueprint for how someone can succeed in relationship with you. (Of course, they still get to choose whether or not they follow that blueprint.)

Clinical disclaimer: The concepts discussed here refer to non-abusive relational dynamics. In the context of abuse, criticism functions as a mechanism of power and control rather than as an expression of unmet needs. In such cases, intervention should focus on safety, stabilization, and appropriate support services rather than communication restructuring.

01/21/2026

“Good feelings… are there any bad ones?”

Short answer: no!
There are no bad feelings.

Feelings aren’t moral. They aren’t right or wrong, good or bad. They’re information.

Emotions are the neutral *segway* between our automatic thoughts and our actions.
Something happens → a thought fires → a feeling shows up → then we act.

(Although we can have a somatic feeling and create meaning from that as well, but I digress! 🙂‍↕️)

So here's what that means for you and me:
Anger doesn’t ruin relationships.
Fear doesn’t make you weak.
Sadness isn’t a failure.
Even jealousy, resentment, or rage are signals—not character flaws.

What *does* cause harm is what we sometimes do while trying to maneuver through these feelings and sensations.

When we judge or suppress emotions, and/or tend to live a fairly unexamined life, feeling-laced-behaviors tend to come out sideways—through snapping, shutting down, numbing, overworking, self-criticism, and a whole gamut of things we've all seen or heard about. But when we slow down and listen, feelings can actually guide us toward clarity and choice.

We need curiosity, awareness, compassion, and accountability between some of those quick progressions to start making a change.

A helpful reframe:

* Thoughts tell a story
* Feelings signal meaning
* Actions are where responsibility lives

You don’t need to get rid of your feelings.
You need to understand their backstory.

In therapy, we don’t label emotions as “good” or “bad.”
We ask: What is this feeling trying to protect? What does it need? What choice do I want to make next?

Because awareness creates options.
And options can create change, if you want them 🩷.

01/20/2026

Our work together is sacred.

Not because therapy is dramatic—but because it is deliberate, intimate, and deeply curated to you.

When you enter counseling, you are offering more than a story. You are entrusting someone with the ways you learned to endure, protect, and make sense of the world. That deserves reverence.

The space we create is intentional—steady, respectful, unhurried, but goal-oriented. A place where your system can loosen its grip, where truth can surface without performance, where updates to old wiring can transpire.

It can be deeply confronting to be in a room with yourself. To have someone invite you there. I do not take that lightly.

You will be met with care, discernment, and patience. Your story will be held with dignity. And the work we do together will be treated as something meaningful—because it is.

-A Note from Me, Ashlee.

01/20/2026

Dismissiveness can be the result of many things in a relationship...

The other person is frustrated/annoyed with hearing the problem.
The other person isn’t invested in the relationship with you.
The other person is preoccupied with their own struggles in the moment.
And so forth.

In this entry, let's highlight when it’s related to fear. This is a common one, especially in a relationship where the person loves you deeply.

When we love people deeply it is really challenging to see them suffer. And it’s also difficult to know if we are doing the right thing for them. When we see our loved ones suffering physically or mentally, something happens within us, too.

We can become afraid that their feelings will be too big. Or that if we go there, it'll show that *our* feelings are too big. We are afraid that letting people speak about their very real troubles will speak it into existence. We are afraid that asking questions and being curious will upset the person more... Or that they will start and won’t stop and it’ll be too much to manage...

We’ve all been dismissive with people we love. And I think many of us can relate to it being because we were really afraid. Trying to avoid that emotion & any other emotions that might be provoked by responsiveness. But, leaning into the reality of your own emotions and the other person’s emotions creates deeper connection than pretending they don’t exist.

Even if it means just being honest about your fear. ❤

01/15/2026

Sometimes the most healing moment in therapy isn’t a big breakthrough… it’s a laugh. 😅

Yes, therapy can be deep, emotional, and serious — but humor has a place in this office too. A shared chuckle can ease tension, build connection, and remind us that even in hard seasons, you’re still human. You're STILL YOU!

Laughing in therapy isn't indicative of avoiding the hard stuff (although some of my beloved people have cultivated incredible humor as a worthy defense mechanism). Laughter in therapy can often mean you finally feel safe enough to breathe. To let your guard down. To see yourself with a little more compassion (and maybe less judgment). It eases the rigidity by cracking the seal.

Life is heavy. And sometimes, humor is the reminder that you don’t have to carry it all with a straight face. 💗🤗

Giggling induced counseling is sometimes the best part of my job.

01/12/2026

One of the heart-rending stories from Mother Teresa of Calcutta is about an untouchable who had lived beyond human care, upon the streets or wherever he could find a place simply to be. Dying, he was brought by Mother Teresa into her shelter and cleaned and cared for. His words were, “I have had to live my life like an animal, but now I can die like a human being.” Simply because he had been “taken in” by others who gave to him! To merely welcome another, to provide for him or her, to make a place, is one of the most life-giving and life-receiving things a human being can do.

Boundaries but not rigidity. ✨

Send a message to learn more

01/09/2026

Do not punish the behavior you want to see.

I mean, it seems pretty obvious when you put it like that, right? 🌟

But how many families, when an introvert sibling or child makes an effort to socialize, snarkily say, "So, you've decided to join us"?
..Or when someone does something they've had trouble doing, say, "Why can't you do that all the time?".
..Or any sentence containing the word "finally".

If someone makes a step, a small step, in a direction you want to encourage, *encourage* it! I encourage you to resist the urge to complain about the timing; it will color it as *not enough*. Don't bring up previous stuff. Encourage what's happening now!

Because the research has shown (and countless testimonials of children, teens, and spouses I've met with over the years) there is nothing more soul-killing, more motivation-crushing, or shaming than struggling to succeed and finding out that success and failure are both punished.