02/12/2024
I have spent the better part of the past 21 months reflecting on what decisions I made in my life, which relationships had the most influence, and how I became who I am today…
A big portion of that was one specific and very toxic relationship. Tonight, I actually saw my ex face to face. He changed me for the better in so many different ways I can’t even begin to explain. He was the one I truly thought I could force to save himself and would do anything just to see him stop using.
He tried on many different occasions and succeeded a number of times for months at a time. However… somehow, someway, he always found his way back. His ex before me had his location and would stalk him (seriously and scarily). I just use to beg him to find a way to give me his pulse wherever I was 24/7. I didn’t need location for I already knew how and who he was at that time. I just worried he was alive.
So, although I always hear thru friends of ours how he is and rumors… to actually see him tonight in person brought me into a state of memory land. Out of the 6 toxic years, the memories that stood and stand out the most were the ones where he was really trying to save himself.
Not the happy, fun, goofy and crazy “Chinese voice attempt of Aaahhhhh yeah that’s it” which ALWAYS brings a smile to my face but the times of him asking me to get him to rehab. The times he randomly decided to cross the country to try to get clean. The times that he’d go days in withdrawal and feel like he was going to die and ask me to get him into a clinic.
Thise memories are the ones that bring the biggest smile to my face because everytime he tried was one step closer to him figuring out who he really was to become.
If he ever sees this, I pray that he has truly found his happiness and want him to know that yes at times I still miss how we were when it was just us. Yet, I’m not going backwards and partially due to him i have become who I am. I am trying to help those such and him especially who are lost souls trying to find a way to do life on life’s terms.
I have NO REGRETS… I only have goals and dreams!