01/29/2026
Part 3
let's nerd out on brain science!
In his book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Dr. Joe talks about how when we have an emotional experience, the feelings will literally release hormones/chemicals associated with the emotion. Because we continually have the emotional experience, our cells create receptor sites for the chemicals released during that emotion (this is a very, very abridged version of the science; I highly recommend his book). For instance, if you constantly feel guilty, your cells have receptor sites for the hormones associated with guilt. The cells in your body now expect, want, and crave those chemicals.
You’re addicted.
Your brain obliges and gives you thoughts to keep you in guilt. Then maybe one day you realize, “I am always feeling guilty! I need to change this.” So you begin to alter your thoughts, wanting to live differently. Well, the body doesn’t like that so much. It needs that hit of guilt. Youre a fiend for it.
The body will then sends signals for your brain to have guilt ridden thoughts so it can get its fix. You're addicted to guilt.
This was me. I spent most of my life feeling at fault. That I am to blame for everything that was wrong; that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. I somehow got that message in childhood and my marriage perpetuated it for 17 more years. Then in 2020, after my divorce and living out as a q***r woman for the first time, I began transforming myself, my thoughts, and my life. It took a few years to get to a good place. And I was.
Then I relapsed (the Event).
My body was flooded with its chemicals of choice - good ole’ guilt and shame. Guilt and shame for my actions and an additional dose of shame for letting the situation as a whole affect me the way it was (it wasn't "supposed" to). I was once again drowning in guilt and shame, stuck in the past, unable to move forward no matter what I tried.
Another layer as to why I couldn't move through the experience can be explained by brain waves.
When we are conscious, our brains produce Beta waves. There are three levels - low, mid, and high Beta. High Beta is associated with fight or flight. The mind is “amped up” and the body is stimulated. The body and brain produce survival chemicals that cause high arousal. This is meant to be a temporary state to get you through a threat in the environment. It is not a state to learn, create, problem solve, or heal. Dr Joe states “high beta is terribly overutilized by the majority of the population,” meaning that most of us are stuck in this survival mode brain wave frequency. The brain is on a fast cycle that stresses the entire system and when we are in this state for a prolonged period it can cause disease.
What really made my jaw hit the floor was when I read “we obsess about problems rather than thinking about solutions.” Then the KO hit: “your analysis is creating higher and higher frequencies of Beta. Thinking in this mode causes your brain to overreact; you reason poorly and think without clarity.”
Wellbutrin is a stimulant. It had me stuck in high Beta. No matter what I did, that daily pill was keeping me in an unhealthy, unproductive brain wave pattern. No wonder my normal coping skills were useless!
Reading this made the missing piece slide into place. I had been asking myself why this situation was affecting me so deeply and why I couldn't seem to shake the effects of the fallout. Why it seemed like I wasn’t making progress even though I was doing ALL THE THINGS to take care of and love myself.
No amount of self love could override what was happening in my brain (believe me, I was trying).
I’m sure a lot of people who take Wellbutrin feel better on it. I did for a time and it did help me with my food patterns long enough to establish new habits. I am grateful for the boost it gave me in that respect. Eventually I will be more grateful for the psychological effect it had on me. For now, this understanding alone has taken a great weight off my shoulders. I wasn’t crazy. I didn’t need a lobotomy or to be committed to an institution. I needed to be off the pharmaceutical.
I needed my pure Self back.
And now She is.
Past Self by Sleep Token
I feel the “you” he refers to is a higher power, higher self, or source, not an actual other person.
https://youtu.be/GSkY_xmkoYg?si=VqmgeuyJHw3VwX4q
