09/14/2025
A few weeks ago, my friends all had prior engagements and my kids were not with me for the long labor day weekend so I headed outside. Every day I went to a different place to walk and each time thoughts came to me about loneliness. At one point I thought, well maybe im lucky to not have alot of people in my life because I will have less to lose. Some people have lost countless loved ones in their lifetime and maybe im blessed to be alone. The flip side is to say "better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all" but I highly doubt someone who has lost their love would appreciate that sentiment very much. And Im not sure i do either.
I was also thinking on how night time is much more difficult for me to be alone. My thoughts here went to how humans are not meant to live like we do in this modern, individualistic society. In indigenous cultures or maybe even colonial settler times, people went off during the day to do their part for the community. Then, as night fell they would gather around the hearth or be fireside, sharing a meal, stories of their day, or stories of their people. There was intimacy as they commune (i love the Hozier lyric "the nights are mainly made for saying things we cant say tomorrow day.") The participation of every member was vital. They took care of each other, and Im sure they also had opportunities to be alone if they desired. So at night time, when my DNA tells me I need to be in community, I acutely feel its absence.
My thoughts then turned to the quote from Charles Bukowski "and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it - freedom or loneliness?" As I pondered this, I came to the same conclusion as I do with most things in life - both.
During the day I can explore, find new paths, delight in a waterfall or cool rocks. I bask in the sun and revel in how the wind plays with my hair. Or i have errands to take care of, laundry to do, or go to work, or appointments. But when that sun sets and I have no one to share my day with.. freedom turns to loneliness.
Im glad for my time alone because I have space to think these thoughts. And then i come here to share and maybe you read it or maybe you don't. But it helps me feel a little less alone.
(As does the face of my kitty when she greets me at the door every time I come back inside - even if im just taking the garbage out, she waits for me and then we cuddle. Takes the edge off just a little 😸)
In contrast, this weekend i was able to commune with my two friends who love me like no ever has and maybe ever will. We have an amazing and reciprocal friendship. We hold each other up in the hard times, we celebrate the others success, we LAUGH like banshees (we are the loud group at the campground) we share our most deep thoughts without batting an eye, and accept every part of each other. These women are 2 of the 3 most intimate friends I have and I wouldn't trade those 3 souls for any number of other, less intimate friendships.
What a gift. 💜
(Peep my hawk feather!)
