Therapist Vaj Thoj Cindy

Therapist Vaj Thoj Cindy I’m a mental health therapist by profession. I am also a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a human at heart with human experiences.

I hope to use this page to share my knowledge of all that I learn in all facets of my life.

I shared this message 3 years ago today, and it still rings true today. One of the hardest and necessary steps to making...
04/18/2026

I shared this message 3 years ago today, and it still rings true today.

One of the hardest and necessary steps to making real change in your life is to accept how you contribute to the problem.

Compassionate Accountability: I see you. I feel for you. I validate you, and I believe you can still do what you were su...
04/17/2026

Compassionate Accountability: I see you. I feel for you. I validate you, and I believe you can still do what you were supposed to do. And because I see you, I recognize that you may have limitations, so I am here to help where you need me.

I often wonder why people ask to know why or how come someone is engaging in a certain pattern of behavior to only then invalidate and shame them.

I think we will do better if we ask why or how come only when we believe we can support.

Yes, we never know what someone has or is going through. Many challenges are being addressed in silence or in the confidence of a healthcare setting. That has rang true in my 10+ years of work as a therapist and 24+ years of studying empathy.

I hear people talk about changing intergenerational patterns and breaking intergenerational curses often while strugglin...
04/12/2026

I hear people talk about changing intergenerational patterns and breaking intergenerational curses often while struggling to do the work.

The words “breaking intergenerational patterns/curses” sound so big, but really, it is more intimate. It is a very internal experience.

Waiting around for the big opportunity to come is not it. While waiting, you probably missed all the tiny opportunities that needed your attention to heal, to address, to nourish and nurture.

A quick example of breaking an intergenerational pattern?

“My ancestors did not get to feel their emotions because they feared their lives would end. I feel happy right now. I’m going to allow myself to be in this happy emotion and genuinely feel what my ancestors needed to feel.”

People often ask me when or how they would know that therapy is helping. I put together a list of the top 3 that has sho...
04/08/2026

People often ask me when or how they would know that therapy is helping. I put together a list of the top 3 that has shown up in my practice lately.

It is really amazing to see change begin to sprout. Feel free to add in the comments what you observe in your practice or yourself also.

Everyone feels emotions at varying degrees. Some people feel them very deeply, and as a result, may have a big display.I...
04/07/2026

Everyone feels emotions at varying degrees. Some people feel them very deeply, and as a result, may have a big display.

In my studies and work with neurodivergence and trauma, it has become apparent that individuals who has a brain that can feel emotions deeply are at a higher risk of having a parent/caregiver who does not know how to help them regulate their emotions or who perceives their depth of feeling as a something bad that needs to be fixed.

With that, the issue is hardly the depth of feeling. It is the lack of emotion regulation skills that needed to start in early childhood with the help of a safe, supportive, and nurturing adult.

If you did not receive that help and you notice that you have a hard time regulating your emotions, therapy can help. I encourage you to find a professional therapist who can help you, as an adult now, develop those skills.

This quote came from a conversation with my daughter the other day. We were talking about inner children, and I explaine...
04/05/2026

This quote came from a conversation with my daughter the other day. We were talking about inner children, and I explained to her that it is our job to love our inner child.

Others can love our inner child, but our inner child needs our love more than anyone or anything else.

When we can love ourselves, we can have self-compassion, and healing needs a healthy dose of self-compassion.

If it’s hard to practice self-acceptance, self-love, and self-compassion, it’s likely time to get professional help and see a therapist.

What if no matter how hard someone tries, they just can’t find themself engaging in intentional practice?If a pattern ke...
04/04/2026

What if no matter how hard someone tries, they just can’t find themself engaging in intentional practice?

If a pattern keeps repeating, it’s not because they’re just being manipulative or don’t want to change.

The core is likely a trauma, which I now define as an unresolved wound that got stuck in the nervous system and its impact shifted the beliefs that a person had for themself, others, or the world.

A trauma survivor often want to change, but their body has a different plan. Their body automatically engages in behaviors that developed when that wound began.

So, maybe as a child, they fled and hid behind their mom’s expensive handbags and their dad’s designer suits because that kept them safe from their parents’ rage. Mom and dad was not going to mess up those expensive handbags and designer suits.

And then as an adult, whenever they had disagreements and conflicts, they found themself excessively buying from Amazon, spending money they did not have.

That is how trauma works.

So, if you can talk but can’t walk, it’s likely time to see a trauma therapist.

We can’t just talk about things. We can’t just vent. If we want to change our lives, we need to engage with intention. M...
04/03/2026

We can’t just talk about things. We can’t just vent. If we want to change our lives, we need to engage with intention.

Many believe therapy is a space to vent; however, I hardly see it as that. More often than not, I open sessions with

“Where’s your mind at today? What would be helpful from me and therapy today?”

It may seem like we are “just talking”, but every question, every comment, every shift in my composure or facial expression is done with intention. Yes, sometimes it is to give my own self some comfort, but even that is an intervention. If I can be sure my body is comfortable, I can show up to continue challenging you to grow.

Finally, a 60-minute session once weekly cannot be the only place a client practices skills, self-compassion, journaling, etc. Every therapist knows this. We are not magicians or genies.

My clients that have made the most progress in their journeys always integrate something from session into their daily life. I see this with the parents I support too. When they approach their children like we discussed together, their children also grow immensely.

So, don’t just talk. We gotta walk too.

I have witnessed my Hmong community change and evolve overtime. For example, I married at 25 years of age, and at that t...
04/02/2026

I have witnessed my Hmong community change and evolve overtime.

For example, I married at 25 years of age, and at that time, I was considered to have married "older" in life. It was customary for women to marry between the ages of 18 and 22. By the time I finally "went home" with my husband, many of my friends were married and some already had children.

These days, I witness Hmong men and women marry even older, and 25 is probably considered barely appropriate now. Please feel free to offer what you witness in your experience.

All this to say, culture has the capacity and ability to change with time, but it is the people in that culture that needs to make it happen. However, change cannot occur without full accountability.

What do I mean by "full accountability"? Using the marital age example, taking full accountability is also taking accountability for the natural and logical consequences and outcomes of changing the appropriate age of marriage to 25. Those consequences and outcomes can range from decrease in family size to increased independence and autonomy that results in a desire to build a family life separate from parental influence.

But do you know what is on the other side of cultural change? Going with the same example, I see couples more secure in their choice of partners and more intentional in their family decision making. I see increased maturity in what makes a marriage work and when it is time to let go. I see young people wanting to fulfill life goals and dreams.

Change is not always bad. It can be painful and often comes with a sense of loss, but it also births new and different possibilities.

04/01/2026

Statement from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) on SCOTUS Decision Regarding Conversion Therapy for Minors

Read the full SCOTUS brief here
https://ow.ly/3CvM50YBSEt
Read the full Amicus brief here
https://ow.ly/tLgR50YBSEs

As a highly sensitive person, I have learned that I have limitations when it comes to job satisfaction.I can’t just work...
04/01/2026

As a highly sensitive person, I have learned that I have limitations when it comes to job satisfaction.

I can’t just work any kind of job, even if I can excel at it. Highly sensitive people tend to do well in many different jobs because we have an eye for subtleties and details.

I’ve learned that regardless of the job title, I need to devote to something that aligns with a purpose, a calling. I need depth to my daily work, knowing that it connects to something much larger than myself, my income, or my benefits.

To me, my daily work is my art. I create with every client. Together, we discover the possibilities that they thought were impossible.

A good work day is when I feel a bit tired but not exhausted. Art takes time. Creativity takes energy. Changing lives takes commitment.

Thank you to all my clients currently, before, and to come. You are my best teachers. You are the reason I have both meaning and freedom.

I haven’t posted in a long while, but a family event this weekend motivated me to post again. It’s been a pretty busy 2 ...
03/30/2026

I haven’t posted in a long while, but a family event this weekend motivated me to post again. It’s been a pretty busy 2 months for me.

I hope all of you can enjoy this thought that I had. Lately, I have been reflecting on the different parts and aspects of our overall identity. We are a combination of all of them, and if we push away one part, we inevitably will push away the parts that we really liked to begin with.

Much like emotions, there are no right or wrong parts. There are just parts that are waiting to be seen, acknowledged, nurtured, and valued.

When we can care for our parts, we can care for ourselves, and through that process, our best selves will emerge, and we will be seen for who we are.

Address

Fresno, CA

Telephone

+15598259700

Website

https://www.threeoakswellnesscollaborative.co

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