08/07/2023
Today is the last day of 🤱 I am going to be transparent and say that I have put off making this post until today because this has been a hard week for me. This is a long story, but I feel today is a good day to share it 🩵Breastfeeding my babies has been a dream of mine for years. There are so many benefits for both mom and baby, and I wanted the breastfeeding bond as part of my parenting foundation.
I spoke with my midwife as well as friends and I was told that I shouldn’t stress about it, my body would know what to do, and if I needed help with latching, I would have it. In an attempt not to stress, I didnt do a ton of research on the technicalities of breastfeeding. I knew the “C Hold” and how to position my baby foe the best latch, but that was the extent. We planned a home birth, where I could recover in my own bed and feel safe and comfortable postpartum. 43 hours of labor later and Holter was born in the hospital, via c-section. Every plan I had, was thrown out the window and we were just trying to catch our brains up. When I got to hold my baby, he was 3 1/2 hours old. I put him to my breast immediately, he latched, suckled for a minute, and fell asleep. When he was hungry again a few hours later, he had a terrible time latching. The nurse brought in ni**le shield which he latched to but when he didn’t get any milk he unlatched and screamed. His nurse then gave me an SNS and supplemented with formula. He struggled to latch again. I had Holter on my chest, and Galen and a nurse trying to help. Someone was holding my baby, pushing on my back, holding my breast, talking, all while my baby was screaming. I started to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated and panic set in. It was too much in my face and I started to cry. The nurse left and my husband backed off and let me and Holter work together. He got some formula in him and settled to sleep. An hour later he woke up and had bubbles in his belly. We later found out that the SNS was causing him to take in too much air while feeding and his belly hurt 😭 I asked for a medicine dropper instead and wanted to hand express. I got nothing. Not a single drop out of either of my breasts.
We gave Holter some formula out of a syringe overnight and in the morning I got to work. I started pumping every two hours, I put warm compresses on my breasts, I tried everything to get my oxytocin flowing, I kissed my baby 1,000 times, I changed positions, I drank more water and juice, I ate, and I cried. I called my midwife and told her what was going on and she said “Well, it’s normal in the first few days for him not to get more than the colostrum drippy droppy’s” and I said, “No you don’t understand. I’m not getting drippy droppy’s. I’m not producing anything. Not a single drop of colostrum.” She said, “Oh.” So she went back to the drawing board and gave me tips on what to try (spoiler alert I had tried everything she suggested) and reminded me that if he gets some formula in the hospital, he’ll be okay and we can always try again when my milk comes in in four days or so. She also recommended donor milk, which I didn’t have access to. I asked to see the lactation consultant but she was not available. The OB on call told me to keep making him latch and it would eventually work. Meanwhile every time he latched, he took in too much air and he would wake up screaming in pain shortly after he’d fall asleep. And because I was recovering from a c-section, I couldn’t get up and walk with him or bounce him. At 3:00 in the morning on our second night in the hospital I broke down in tears. I sent Galen to the nurses station for a bottle and a ni**le and gave Holter his first full feeding. He was a different baby. He opened his eyes, he was content, and he slept without pain. But I felt like my body had failed me….again.
Remember that home birth I planned? That ended in hospital transfer? That ended in a cesarean delivery instead of a natural vaginal delivery? My body failed to progress at home. My cervix opened in the hospital finally, but it reversed right as I started pushing. I delivered in an OR via surgery. I didn’t get immediate and uninterrupted skin to skin. I was so shaky I couldn’t hold my baby. I was in recovery, away from my boys for three hours. I was heavily medicated and completely exhausted. And I felt like my body had failed me and I was failing Holter. I put in WORK for 9 months, even when it was hard, and I still didn’t come close to the experience I dreamed of. I was heartbroken and grieving and all I could do was pull myself together, be thankful for my perfect baby, and keep going.
When we finally came home from the hospital, my milk came in. I put Holter to my breast and fed him, and then promptly pumped. He was fussy and wouldn’t settle, he wouldn’t latch again, so we gave him some formula. I pumped every two hours to try and increase my milk supply. I was consistently pumping an ounce and a half total. And Holter was needing supplementation. My mental health was quickly tanking as I realized that I was producing but not enough. For weeks I tried everything I was told to try, I read, watched videos, and attempted to get as much education as possible. But at the end of the day, breastfeeding wasn’t enough, exclusively pumping wasn’t enough, and I was exhausted, anxious, and sad. We made the decision to exclusively formula feed Holter. It absolutely broke my heart.
I grieved for months. I struggled with my worth, with feelings of failure, and I was anxious over Holter’s immune system and growth. I ended up working through a book to process grief surrounding your birth journey and decided to begin to educate myself. I decided that I would pour myself into the education I didn’t do during pregnancy, and learn how to support someone struggling with breastfeeding in the ways I didn’t feel I was adequately supported. I made it my goal to become a better doula through my experience and I am still on that journey of education. I am still walking through grief when emotions surrounding my birth and early postpartum come. I still wonder “what if”. But ya know what? My baby is a thriving 8 month old who is on the cusp of meeting several of his milestones early. Formula hasn’t slowed him down one bit like I feared it would. We have an INCREDIBLE bond even though he drinks from a bottle. And I still get to parent the ways I planned - we baby wear, we cloth diaper, we do baby led weaning, we practice attachment style parenting, we’re outside every day, he has restricted screens, he’s already hiked my favorite trails, and the list goes on. We’re safe. We’re healthy. I will be educated next time. I will set up my support network in advance. I’ll get tested for IGT. I’ll work on my relationship with my first birth story. I’ll heal some parts of me. And I’ll encourage everyone to do the same.
My story isn’t one where I tried everything and was able to achieve my dream. But my story is important too. My story resonates in some way with someone. And my hope by sharing, is that even if you aren’t the mama who needed to hear this story, you send it to one in your life who does 🩵
