https://www.healyourrelationships.com/

Heal Your Relationships, 165 Scarborough Street, Hartford, CT (2025)

10/31/2024

For years, I would spend too much time outside my window of tolerance.

Anxious, on edge. ruminating, reacting, irritable, hypervigilant for signs of rejection....

Followed by the inevitable collapse into flat, numb, exhausted, "leave-me-alone" kinda shut-down.

Whenever we are outside the window of tolerance (either above or below), 3 things happen:

1. Time collapses:

We can't tell the difference between past, present and future. So we spend a lot of time either ruminating about the past, or fantasizing/hoping about the future.

Or simply distract ourselves for hours with food, netflix, shopping...almost in a trance.

2. We don't feel our bodies in space:

We aren't fully in our bodies, in this moment. We lose touch with reality.

3. We see danger where there is none:

This is the hypervigilance that convinces us there is a tiger waiting to pounce on me.

Even if the so called tiger is just a toddler having a tantrum,

Or a colleague who sounded rushed and distracted when we asked them a question,

Or your spouse who defends his/her mom when you bring up a concern.

Don't get me wrong. These are not easy situations to face or solve.

But they are NOT a threat to life.

When our nervous system experiences them that way, we react with fear...
..either lashing out, withdrawing, or feeling trapped/walking on eggshells trying to please...

Which only makes the situation worse.

The solution? Stop thinking.

You cannot solve these problems from the same thinking that is creating them.

Instead, we need to expand your window of tolerance.

And once we do, you will SPONTANEOUSLY feel calm, clear, alert, compassionate and confident.

And the right solution will appear.

The first 30 days of my new Resilience Course is *daily* 5 minute exercises to expand your window of tolerance.

it will fundamentally change the way you show up as a parent, spouse, physician, friend...

I think it's the most important work you will ever do.

10/30/2024

THE RESILIENCE TRIANGLE:

Emotional Resilience requires healing on 3 levels:

1. Body (Nervous system)
2. Heart (emotions)
3. Head (thoughts)

As physicians, we are very good at suppressing emotions and living in our head.

That's what we get paid for - analysis, problem solving, rushing, predicting, tolerating stress, managing people, patience, staying emotionally removed so we can help in life or death situations...

These same traits trip us up outside of work.

As the saying goes: When you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail...

If you are anxious, irritable, distracted, getting into arguments with loved ones, walking on eggshells, disconnected, unable to switch off your mind....

It's time to reset your nervous system, and reconnect with your emotions.

You cannot think, read, google or podcast your way out of your patterns.

Trust me, I've tried.

It's like trying to build a house from the roof down. Does not work.

You first need to FEEL calm and alert in your body.

And then SAVOR all emotions, especially the painful ones.

Once that happens, the mind will automatically become clear, curious, compassionate, and courageous.

You don't need any guru, coach, retreat, book, or therapist.

The answers are inside you.

YOU are the one you've been looking for.

10/29/2024

I was 18 when my mom died by su***de.

My dad loves us deeply.

And yet he had survived violence and neglect in his own childhood.

Which leaked out of him whenever he felt sad, angry, upset, disappointed, annoyed, questioned, hungry, tired...

The only thing that helped keep his own inner demons at bay was working and amassing wealth.

So he did that.

This gave us a dependable roof over out heads, food on the table, cars, excellent schools...

And shame, loneliness, and fear inside the 4 walls.

I am the oldest of 3. My siblings and I each coped the best way we knew how.

For me, it was to cut myself off from my truth.

And it worked...on the outside.

I went to med school on a full scholarship. Then residency, and fellowships...awards...travel...fancy cars

I was my father's daughter in many ways. And I fooled even myself for a while.

Until the cracks began to appear in my intimate relationships...and eventually turn into craters.

Back then (15 years ago) talk therapy was the gold standard.

CBT, DBT, talking about the traumas and life events....

And although it felt good to be listened to,

Nothing changed in my real life.

In fact, I remember feeling worse after each appointment. Shaking in the car. Crying.

My therapist told me it was part of the *processing* and I needed to *talk about it over and over until it loses its charge.*

She was giving me the best of what the mental health field knew at that time.

Sadly, this is still what most therapy is today.

Even though we now know that if you had a tough childhood/young adulthood,

talking about it alone can often make it WORSE.

Why is this?

Because when I have been through prolonged difficulties as a child,

Two things happen.

One is the pain itself.

The second is the COPING up of that pain using whatever limited skills you had back then.

These 2 things together is called a SCHEMA.

For example: You feel anger, and you cope by withdrawing.

These schemas then become how you see the world itself.

Here's the kicker:

** Every time we blindly retell our "story", we strengthen these schemas. **

Which makes us MORE likely to see the world in the same way,

Which leads to re-traumatizing in our current lives.

See how this would be a problem?

So what should we do instead?

Three things:

1. Learn to befriend, invite and SAVOR all emotions as sensations in the body. Not just tolerate. Befriend, invite and savor.

2. Uncover your seat of consciousness - this is the part of you that is calm, curious, compassionate and courageous.

It's like the sun. It is always in all of us, but gets clouded up by our schemas.

3. Master the art of courageous, vulnerable communication

In other words, make a YOU-turn, then master the RE-Turn.

This is what I will be teaching in my new Resilience 360 course.

Mind-Body-Soul healing. Courageous living.

DM me if you want more info.

Happy healing friends.

10/28/2024

Have you heard of the Buddhist concept of the 2 arrows?

The first arrow is pain. It’s the sh*t that life brings our way.

Job loss, death, illness, bankruptcy, losing a relationship, moving, betrayal, rejection, embarrassment, loneliness, accidents, natural disasters, failure....

Circumstances (the first arrow) are often devastatingly painful.

But if you survive and continue to suffer,

You're trapped in the second arrow....
..the arrow of resistance.

Everyone has their favorite flavor of resistance…

Distracting, rationalizing, ruminating, blaming, shaming, analyzing, worrying, working hard/busyness...

The list goes on.

(Mine were distracting, busyness and rumination).

Unfortunately, the more we resist an emotion, the more we will recreate it in our lives.

For example, let’s say I’m scared my spouse might leave me,

And I hate that feeling,

So I try REALLY hard to not have to feel it.

Maybe I walk on eggshells, or leave first, or keep checking their whereabouts, or try not to have strong opinions in case it annoys them etc.

And the more I do this, the more resentful my spouse becomes….because they can sense they are living with a ghost, and they will keep poking the ghost to see if there is a real person there.

In other words, the less room I take up, the more they seem annoyed.

And finally, when I realize that all my efforts to “manage” his/her anger or boredom with me is not working,

And they realize that they have lost all sense of respect or awe for me (which is the same as losing attraction/love),

They leave anyway.

And I tell myself "See, people always abandon me."

Then we move onto the next relationship, where we resist the same emotion or another one.

And that also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In other words - whatever you resist, will persist for as long as you resist it.

I'm not saying you should stay or leave your relationship...

That's not the point.

I’m showing you a deeper truth.

That resisting and running away from your painful emotions….

Causes them to stay, amplify and take over your life.

If you are lonely……

If you are sad….

If you are angry….

Feel it. Embody it. Express it safely.

That’s how you become emotionally free.

If you want to learn how to do this, consider joining our new "Resilience 360" course.

The course is designed to show you how to welcome, and even ENJOY, your most painful emotions.

THAT is real power.

Send me a DM for more details.

10/27/2024

What do I have to feel if I can't rush into "wrongness" or "rightness"?

10/26/2024

Let me be VERY clear

If we ever talk,

hang out,

become friends,

work together,

or interact in any way

I will not,

even for ONE minute,

buy into the story,

that you don’t have the ability to create the results you’ve been

longing for in your life.

I will not buy into your story that maybe you’re just not cut out for it,

Or that you need to check with your astrologer first before taking action,

Or whatever excuse that robs you of your power.

Because what I know for sure,

deep in the sinews of my soul,

is that in the quiet of the night,

there is a tiny voice,

within you,

that is literally YEARNING,

begging almost,

for you to take the plunge.

Fix that marriage
Leave that relationship
Sell that house
Take that job
Write that book
Heal the past
Be that parent

Whatever the heck it is you dream of...

And you my friend,

Have spent months,

YEARS compromising your needs,

Playing the good girl.

It's time for you to stop the madness,

Shrinking yourself!

When you know there is a version of you,

that is waiting,

behind the curtain,

to carry you into the future.

Whatever you think is standing in your way,

The past
The bills
The family or cultural expectations
Societal pressure
Your own rationalizations of "Once X happens, it will get better."
(X = new job, vacation, another kid, new house,
moving to paradise etc.)

Put it aside for a moment,

And think about this:

🧐How many thousands or millions of people in the WORLD are facing what you are facing right now?

Literally, write a number down.

🧐If one of them were your own child, what would you say to them?

🧐How would their lives change if they stopped running away from their brave little voice?

It’s your responsibility

to get out of your own way

And be a stand for your growth and healing.

For your sake.

AND for their sake...

Do whatever it takes,

Because your commitment is always required.

Remember:

What seems confusing and impossible to you now,

my beloved perfectionist friends ❤

Is obvious and easy to your future self.

You don't need to be perfect

You just have to start

And sometimes the first step is to simply

Ask for help

Your growth is a direct reflection of your willingness to stretch beyond your comfort zone.

You don't have to trudge upstream through molasses everyday.

You are made to soar like an eagle.

Happy Saturday.

10/25/2024

HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT: I'm teaching a brand new course for the first time in 5 years! It's called Resilience 360. DM me for deets! 🥰

10/24/2024

What's is your #1 trigger? (thing that annoys you most / leads to rumination, arguing etc.) 😠👇🏽

10/23/2024

People often misunderstand neuroplasticity.

It is not a good or bad thing.

It simply means the brain is plastic.

It changes and adapts every day based on the inputs.

This adaptation can be positive or negative.

Over time, this makes up your "personality" and your experience of life itself.

Neuroplasticity is happening right now, as you read these words.

So do we have any way to influence this, besides medications?

YES, but...
..to do so, you have to understand the TYPES of neuroplasticity.

There are 5 types:

- Developmental (early experiences)
- Experience expectant (you create what you expect)
- Experience dependent (change that happens because of acute crisis/pain like a medical diagnosis/loss or big jolts of positive change like falling in love.)
- Training dependent (intentional, daily practice)
- Learning dependent (aha moments)

2 of these you cannot control. They either happen, or they don't.

Most human progress and healing comes from the 3 that you CAN control.

But of these 3, there is ONE that is most reliable for true transformation.

In fact, it makes healing and growth *inevitable.*

(And it's the reason I have the life I have now.)

Any guesses on which one? 🤔👇🏾

10/22/2024

If you feel lonely, hurt and stuck in your marriage,

and long to feel calm, loved, and secure,

here is the model I use, and teach 😍

It starts with the realization that YOU are the foundation of the rest of your life.

So if you want to create something new, you have to start with healing and becoming the true YOU.

We call this first step --> the YOU-turn.

Without this YOU turn, you cannot REturn to the conversation with the people in your life.

If you do, it will simply recreate the same arguments and hurts that go nowhere.

This is the process that I used to heal my past and create a new future. And it's the one I teach.

Visually, it looks like this 👇🏾

YOU-turn:
Easily triggered/ruminating
⬇️
Calm, Compassionate, Curious, Confident

Heal the Past:
Replaying unconscious patterns from childhood
⬇️
Seeing the present clearly and responding effectively

Master the RE-turn:
Repetitive arguments that go nowhere
⬇️
New solutions that foster relational safety and connection.

Pass on a Better Legacy:
Feeling guilty for raising the kids in an unhealthy environment
⬇️
Feel proud of the emotional and relational legacy you are passing on.

TL;DR: If you are stuck and going in circles, it's time to make a YOU-turn.

10/21/2024

I'm in the Messy Middle of watercolor painting #2.

I cannot even describe how uncomfortable it is to share something that screams IMPERFECT,

but,

it is a part of my story,

And the wonderfully imperfect process of learning anything...
..being awful, then less awful and eventually (hopefully) on the way to halfway decent.

Humbly aiming for 1% better everyday.

P.S: Tip for anyone who wants to get into watercolor portraits. Make sure the eyes look even BEFORE you paint them in.

Hindsight is 20/20.

10/21/2024

An often overlooked symptom of emotional dysregulation?
👉 HURRYING.

Heal Your Relationships

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