10/22/2025
Spiritual bypassing is using spirituality to “bypass” difficult emotions rather than to enter them. We can’t be spiritually healthy unless we are emotionally healthy. Spiritual bypassing leads to greater anxiety and depression (Fox & Picciotto, 2019), while healthy spirituality leads to greater intimacy and contentment. An example of spiritual bypassing is when I lost my first son, Brave. We lost him 42 weeks and one day before he was to be induced. It was heartbreaking and tragic, and a part of me died when he died. You can read my wife’s and my account in our book “A Brave Lament” and experience the journey through our documentary film by the same name.
Well-meaning friends would email and say things like, “I am sorry, and I know God has a plan.” One person wrote to me, saying, “God told them that I would have another son.” These statements are not only unhelpful but can also be downright cruel. We must not rush into “resurrection” without first sitting in the death and being fully present with the devastation. I didn’t need easy answers or spiritual solutions that could not bring my son back. I needed people to weep with me. For the following year after our tragedy, I blogged online as if my life depended on it, because it did, I wrote to stay alive, to emotionally and spiritually function, and I needed people to be with me in the death and the mess of my own blood. I did not need people to distance me from my pain, but an invitation to feel it more fully, because it is only running into the grief that we can ever move beyond it.
A typical example of spiritual bypassing within marriage is when a spouse brings a complaint to their partner and chooses to use spiritual bypassing rather than engaging in a difficult conversation. For example, Barb shares with her husband, “I really need more help around the house and feel like I have been carrying the burden of household chores all alone.” Troy’s immediate response is reactive and not reflective; he is defensive and “feels” attacked. Instead of acknowledging his defensiveness and taking a break, and taking responsibility for his own emotions, he fires back. “Well, work has been so stressful, and you don’t understand the pressure I am under, you will never get me”. (Notice how he quickly becomes the victim, and if Barb is not wise, she could fall into his manipulative trap.) Barb sees through his defensiveness and reactivity and says, “I am sorry that you are stressed at work and have a lot of pressure on you, but that has nothing to do with the complaint that I brought you. If you have a complaint that you would like to bring up at a later time, I would be glad to hear from you and help support you. But now, I am asking for your support and helping me make a plan so that I do not feel as alone in doing the household chores.” Troy stops and takes a few deep breaths and tries a different approach. “I promise I will pray about this tonight and take it up with God and get back to you”. Barb knows if she starts yelling and cursing it would only reaffirm the narrative that she is the “crazy” wife and he is the level headed “spiritual leader” when in reality Troy is emotionally stunted and it is driving Barb to begin to despair that he will never change and learn to take responsibility for his behavior and his unaddressed wounds that are causing him to relate in such a young way.
In this example, Barb humbly invited Troy to get to know her and meet her in a vulnerable way; it was an invitation to be known and seen. Troy attempted multiple different ways to deflect, and it ended with the final blow to Barb’s vulnerable heart by spiritual bypassing. Troy used God to escape any responsibility and weaponized his prayer life against his wife’s complaints so that he did not have to engage further. In that moment, Barb needs presence and understanding more than his escape through prayer. Don’t get me wrong, prayer is vital and effective, but in that moment, he was misusing the gift of prayer and weaponizing it against his wife. If Troy were going to enter into meditation and prayer, he would want it to be a prayer to increase his humility, brokenness, and conviction regarding the reordering of his priorities so that Barb isn’t so alone.
