11/20/2025
Are Your Turkey Day Plans Causing More Stress Than Excitement?
This may help!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Tips for Having a Healthier and Happier Holiday!
by Liza Shaw, MA, LMFT, ACHT
While most people are preparing for holiday events with family and extended family members, in-laws, step-families, friends from childhood, and (young or adult) children, many secretly feel anxiety over anticipated complications, travel challenges, inevitable disagreements, and even the dreaded dramas that can play out when unresolved conflicts become the topic at the family dinner table.
Here are ten tips to prepare—and perhaps help prevent—these Holiday Blues. Developing these healthier habits takes practice, but the hard work is worth it to make holidays truly happy.
1. Plan in “Self-Care”
If you don’t know what “Self-Care” is, you probably need it most. How can we be available to contribute to others unless we have taken care of ourselves? Self-Care is crucial all year long, but especially at times when the demands of multiple activities and interactions can overwhelm. Make a list of at least five activities that restore energy and bring peace of mind. Sleep a minimum of 7-8 hours per night to prevent crankiness, take a cozy nap or a leisurely/brisk walk or run while the turkey is cooking, skip one of the evening activities and soak in a hot bath, pray/meditate for 15 minutes before getting out of bed in the morning, read an entertaining or inspiring book next to a warm fire, and listen to your favorite music before falling asleep. There are so many ways to take care of yourself! Carry your list during your holiday events and be sure to engage in at least one self-care activity per day.
2. Arrange Your Own Transportation – Just in Case…
It is important to have a sense of freedom wherever you are, especially if you are away from home. Having your own car (or at least the Uber app or phone number of a local taxi service and the extra cash you would need to hire them) can provide a sense of security, knowing you always have the option to leave a situation if it gets uncomfortable or if you are tired and ready to leave before others want to. You may not even need it, but knowing it is available is a very good idea.
3. Don’t “Should” on Your Family or Yourself (say it aloud to get the joke…)
An old adage says “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” During the holidays our expectations can run high about how things should/shouldn’t be and how others should/shouldn’t behave; when things don’t go according to these expectations we can feel hurt or angry. We can avoid these bad feelings by taking a different view: there are many fulfilling ways a situation can turn out, and our tendency to create a preconceived idea of the “one way” it should be can cut us off from the multitude of satisfying outcomes available. It is normal human behavior to want to control outcomes, but when we get too attached to them, we cause our own dissatisfaction and even limit the wonder of unexpected blessings! Often the most memorable moments and magical discoveries come from surrendering our rigid expectations and simply going with the flow.
4. Don’t Participate in Gossip or “Venting”
One of the best ways to prevent or resolve conflict is to speak directly and only to the person(s) involved in the conflict. It can be tempting to try and reduce anxiety by talking to someone who is not immediately involved. Our culture refers to this as the seemingly-innocuous activity of “venting,” and it may seem like helping when we listen to someone vent their frustrations about someone else, but in fact, in many cases it only enables the problem to persist. Most of the time venting provides just enough emotional relief so that the person with the problem doesn’t feel the need to take any action to successfully resolve it.
Families that do not engage in “venting,” and who refuse to gossip about other family members build strong, trusting bonds with one another. If someone tries to engage you in venting or gossip at a holiday gathering, encourage them to resolve their issue directly with the person with whom they have the problem. If the conversation continues after you have made this request, try changing the subject to something more positive. Remember to emphasize that you want the conflict to actually get resolved, and this is best done between the parties themselves rather than with third parties. This might feel strange at first, but not being dragged into drama is really worth this extra effort! Besides, other family members who don’t want to be dragged down by this kind of drama will likely be grateful that someone had the courage to stand up and stop tolerating it. You will be amazed at how much more energy you have when it is not being drained by these ineffective and dysfunctional habits.
5. Understand and Set Boundaries if Necessary
Many people mistakenly think “setting boundaries” means telling people what is acceptable or not, when around them. But while we can request a change in another’s behavior, we certainly can’t control whether or not they comply, and what good is telling someone you won’t tolerate something if you can’t stop them from doing it?
Rather than setting ourselves up for a situation we can’t enforce, consider instead, the following definition for setting boundaries: Under certain unwanted circumstances, we communicate directly to all involved, about what OUR behavior is going to be, and then follow through with what we said if the situation does not change. The responsibility to take care of ourselves is ours alone, which means that no one can violate one’s boundaries except oneself. Always remember you can leave the room or even the building altogether if you become unwilling to engage with unacceptable behaviors. We must put honoring our own boundaries above worrying about what people will think about us for enforcing them in order to build and maintain a sense of self-worth. I believe it was Dr. Seuss who said “those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind, don’t matter,” so respect yourself enough to assert your boundaries!
6. Speaking of Asserting… Be Assertive!
Assertiveness is “saying what you mean and meaning what you say, but you don’t have to be mean when you say it.” You have the right to make requests, but you may not get what you want. Respect and kindness go a long way to communicate needs. Keep in mind that you are in charge of your own happiness, and you have the right to make choices that impact you even if others do not approve of them. Also, if you know that someone expects something of you that you’re not willing or able to fulfill, communicating this as soon as possible is always the best policy. Giving people time to adjust to and arrange for having their needs met some other way is not only considerate, but it prevents you from the inevitable resentment you will be left with from people pleasing. Let your yes be yes and your no be no this holiday season!
7. While Traveling, Stay in a Comfortable Environment, Hotel if Necessary
While family members or friends may request that you stay with them, these accommodations can sometimes be less than ideal. Rather than acquiescing and dealing with the bar under your back on a pull-out couch, make reservations at a local hotel or motel. If this is not possible for some reason, find someone with whom you can stay, with an environment conducive to your well-being. Specifically make sure you have a comfortable bed to sleep on and a quiet, peaceful environment around bedtime. If you are a light sleeper, for example, instead of staying at a family member’s house with a newborn baby or incessantly barking dogs, consider seeking out a friend or other family member in the same town with a quiet guest room. You will be a more cheerful holiday guest if your accommodations worked for you!
8. Be Mindful of Alcohol Consumption
Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, so if you have any tendency towards depression, it is best to abstain altogether. If you do plan to drink, make arrangements ahead of time to have a designated driver if you will need to leave the premises. A good rule to keep in mind: once alcohol is introduced at a family gathering, keep conversations light and casual. It is never good to bring up unresolved conflicts after drinking has commenced. And if things get out of control with other people’s drinking, you can always use that taxi-cab and remove yourself!
9. Step-Parents, Remember: it’s Not a Competition!
When parents split time with the kids, guilt can cause trigger inaccurate ideas such as “needing to make up for lost time” and sometimes one parent thinks they must “out-do” the other parent. Most children do not want the most expensive gifts. Instead, they value quality time with their parents. In the words of Elizabeth Einstein, MFT and Linda Albert, PhD, “More than presents, children need presence from the parent that they see so rarely.” Allow for your children to enjoy the time spent with the other parent and the freedom to love that parent. This could be the best gift you give your children.
10. Don’t Give in to “False Evidence Appearing Real.” (F.E.A.R.)
When we are experiencing anxiety or fear, we are projecting what we don’t want, into our future, but we usually feel it as though it is happening now, in the present. It removes us from being present right now and takes away our opportunity to savor and enjoy the moment. When we are fearful, we usually engage in “survival” strategies which limit us to “fight or flight mode.” Unless there is an actual threat to life itself, using this part of our brain to prevent or resolve conflicts is highly ineffective. Our higher-order thinking is a much better problem solver, but this part of the brain is virtually unavailable while we are in fear.
To let go of worry and anxiety about the holidays, resolve to take care of yourself if a situation becomes uncomfortable. Notice that most of what causes our fear is not actually happening in the present (“what-if” thoughts are never about what is happening NOW), and much of what actually happens is rarely as threatening as it seems in our minds. Also, consider that a great majority of things that we worry over never even come to pass. So give up F.E.A.R. and bring yourself back into the moment—the only one in which the MAGIC of the holiday season can truly happen!
