09/19/2024
The 4th Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Sometimes we navigate conflict well. We are mindful of how we are bringing up our issues, so that we increase our chances for being heard and understood. We can also be aware of our natural defensiveness, and truly try and empathize with and validate our partner. It’s amazing when we have this kind of success in our relationship.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t always go this way in our relationships. Perhaps we’ve been on edge and our capacity to have hard conversations isn’t where it needs to be. Or, maybe we’re feeling some righteous indignation and bring up issues harshly, warranting a defensive response from our partner. We’re just not getting anywhere. All of a sudden, we notice that our heartbeats are increasing. We just can’t seem to get our partner to understand what we’re trying to say. There’s harshness, avoidance, inflexibility and exasperation in our interactions. We’re feeling extremely frustrated and overwhelmed. This is not what we hoped for when bringing up this issue.
Welcome to the 4th of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It’s called Stonewalling. We just find ourselves shutting it down. We think, “Nothing I say at this point is going to help, so I’ll just be quiet.” Do you know there’s a reason why this happens? It’s physiological. Our typical human heart rate is between 65-75bpm. When we engage in conflict, it will increase at times. If it gets to 100bpm, this is what Gottman terms Flooding. The flooding process is not our friend. The prefrontal cortex of our brain basically goes offline. That’s the part of our brains we really need to tap into in a conflict. The prefontal cortex is the part of our brain that allows us to think rationally, problem solve, empathize, and understand. As this shuts down, adrenaline, cortisol and other stress hormones are released into the blood. Then, our right brain takes over. This part of our brain is going to engage in 1 of a few things: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. None of these are great options for navigating conflict effectively.
So, what do we do about this? The antidote to Stonewalling is to take a time out. This needs to be done with love and care. If I were going to take a time out with my spouse, I would say something like, “ I love you and really want to hear and understand what you’re trying to tell me, but I’m flooded. I need to take a time out and calm myself down.” Or, I might say, “I’m having a hard time feeling understood right now. I feel flooded, and I need a break. Give me 20 minutes or so to calm myself down, and I’ll come back so we can talk about this again.”
We have to take this time out to be able to self soothe enough to get our prefrontal cortex back online. Research shows it takes about 20-30 minutes for this de-escalation process to be successful, as long as we’re not ruminating about the conflict during this time. During my 20 minute break, I might go outside and listen to the wind chimes, do deep breathing exercises, pray/meditate, play a game on my phone, or even just lay on my bed and close my eyes.
To ensure trust is maintained, time outs can’t be used as an avoidance technique. When people use them to just end the conversation, it can cause hurt and anxiety in their partner. This can lead to pursuing of their partner during flooding, instead of respecting the boundary of the needed time out.
What’s the next important step to making sure the time out process is successful? Go back to your partner and try to discuss the issue again, assuming that your heartrate is back in the normal range. This builds trust, which is vital for great conflict resolution. If you realize that you’re starting to flood again, take another time out and self soothe. We want to protect our emotional bank account.
I hope this information was helpful. Learning to maintain a calm nervous system during a conflict conversation will greatly increase the likelihood of a successful outcome.
