Lauren Rushton Counseling

06/30/2020

Let's review what we've covered about having successful interpersonal conflict:

step 1- Look at yourself- what do you know, think, and feel about the situation?
step 2- Figure out your conflict style (reflective or aggressive)
step 3- Find a good time for you and the person you are in conflict with to talk
step 4-Pick the best form of communication to work through the conflict
step 5- Use "I" statements
step 6-LISTEN to the other person

Conflict is difficult and can be awkward, it may not ever be easy, but it gets easier with practice! It is a worthy and necessary way to put in effort to relationships that matter to you.

06/26/2020

Ok, you've said your I statement. The next step is very simple but often the most difficult...Listen!

Listen to what the other person is saying.
Listen to understand.
See where the other person is coming from.

Listening is the first step to responding productively. Talking with someone has much more power than talking at someone.

06/23/2020

We've talked about getting the best setting for interpersonal conflict resolution, now lets talk about what to say. This one tool can take you very far: "I" statements.

I statements are a much less hostile and more compassionate way to communicate what you are feeling.

They communicate that you are taking responsibility for what you are feeling, but also communicating what the other person did that you did not like.

For example:

I feel hurt and unsupported when you don't do the dishes after you said you would.

as opposed to a "you"statement, for example:

"you are lazy. You never follow through and expect me to do all the work around here"

You statements are to either punish the person or make them feel as bad as you do.

I statements address your feelings and are a gateway to solutions.

I statements take practice, you won't get them perfect on the first try, but you will get better by putting it in to practice!

06/20/2020

Today we have several options for communication, which is a wonderful thing! However, not all of these options are beneficial for successful conflict resolution. Here is a list of options from worst to best:

Social media- a wonderful tool for many things! However, interpersonal conflict is not one of those things. It is typically the most emotionally charged with the least amount of productivity. Not to mention public for other people to join in the conversation.

text message- you can say what you are thinking and feeling but text messages can often be interpreted more by the recipient's emotions rather than the sender's intentions. It can leave a lot of open ends in a conflict, which is a lateral move from social media.

Phone call-better, more direct communication and opportunity for genuine connection.

Video call/facetime- an admirable option and sometimes your only option during these times of caution because of COVID. Seeing someone's face is a valuable and effective form of connection.

In person- By far the most intimidating, but also the most beneficial. Greater risk=greater reward. Meeting in person to talk shows respect for the person, and that you are taking the issue seriously. You are also able to get the most communication from a person verbal and nonverbal. It is the most effective way to work through conflict toward a compromise or solution.

Most of the time, its less about what you say and more about how you say it. Each form of communication can be used depending on the situation. Have courage and choose wisely!

06/19/2020

Step 3 to successful conflict resolution: Find a good time for both of you to talk about the conflict at hand. If you are ready to go in the moment, but the other person is getting a work call and has food in the oven that needs to be taken out...it is not the right time to address conflict. The most direct way to find a good time is to ask "when can we talk about this?"

Components of a good time to talk though conflict are:

Both of you are in a calm state of mind, willing to listen as well as be heard.

You are able to focus on the issue without major disruptions.

You have the level of privacy you need. Different conflict calls for different levels of privacy depending on what the issue is.

This step can make all the difference!

06/18/2020

Step 2 to successful interpersonal conflict resolution is figuring out which way is your natural conflict style. 2 natural conflict styles are reflective and aggressive. One is not better than the other, they are just different ways we work.

Reflective: you need time to sort out and realize what you are thinking about a situation. If you are going to address a conflict well, you need a little bit of space before you confront it.
Pro: gives more time to give thoughtful responses. Less
likely to say something you will regret

Con: makes it easier to sweep conflict under the rug,
leaving it unaddressed until another one arises.

Aggressive: you feel an urgency to resolve conflict quickly after it happens. You can access what you think and feel about a situation quickly. The sooner its resolved, the better.

Pro: less likely to harbor bitterness toward someone

Con: can speak too quickly out of emotions. Can also
overwhelm the person they are confronting.

It is good to know your style in order to handle conflict in the most beneficial way. Once you know your style you can communicate what you need, and also be aware of the other person's style if they are someone you see on a regular basis. If you know your spouse/child/coworker's conflict style is different from yours yall can collaborate on a compromise when conflict arises.

For example: my husband's style is reflective, and mine is aggressive. So in order to compromise, I give him time to sort things out, and he does it much quicker than he would normally do. It took us a while to figure that out, but it didn't have to! The more you know your self, the easier it is to communicate your thoughts and needs.

06/17/2020

Step 1 to successful interpersonal conflict resolution: Look at yourself, on the inside. When conflict arises step back and ask yourself
-What am I not satisfied with?
-Why am I not satisfied with this?
Then you check the facts:
-What actually happened in this situation?
Next part of looking at yourself is figuring out your thoughts about the situation.
-What do I think about this?
Next one is the hard part:
-What do I feel about this? It is CRUCIAL to be honest with yourself on this part, accept yourself for what you are truly feeling.

06/16/2020

What if there was a "secret weapon" that
-brings you closer to ones you love
-prevents bitterness and resentment
-improves the way you feel about yourself
-enables you to make your needs known
-gives you more control over your emotions
-helps you tolerate people you cannot get away from

I have good news! There is. Are you ready?

Interpersonal conflict resolution. That's right, I am a therapist that is telling you to have conflict with the people in your life. Much easier said than done. Generally speaking, we are all terrible at this, but there are ways to do it well. Stay tuned this week, I will be posting ways to have interpersonal conflict that strengthens your personal relationships, and gives you greater peace of mind. Which we all need more of these days.

03/31/2020

https://vimeo.com/401349222

Calling all parents!!! For those moments that are hard to handle with your kids, their emotions are high, your emotions are high, and you're all at home together...its a lot to handle. Here is a video from therapists from all over the world giving advice on how to understand, and connect with your kids during this weird and uncertain time. Definitely worth a watch!

This is "Help for Parents COVID19" by ATC Institute on Vimeo, the home for high quality videos and the people who love them.

03/25/2020

Over and over grief has popped up in my mind lately when I think about what we are experiencing. Here is an article that lays out grief in a way that is easy to understand and talks about what you can do about it.

The coronavirus pandemic has led to a collective loss of normalcy.

03/24/2020

Anxiety is a significant part of our world right now. Small amounts of anxiety are normal and even healthy (it tells us we are not in a good situation and need to get out!) However when anxiety takes control it leads to serious problems, certainly mental health issues, but it can often effect your physical health as well. It is worth getting treatment for. YOU are worth getting treatment.

In therapy we can sort out the knots that anxiety has tangled up inside of you. You will gain healthy ways to effectively cope and be empowered over anxiety that has held you back for far too long.

Getting started is as simple as sending an email. lauren.barnhillcounseling@gmail.com