27/08/2022
Life Update 🤍 I feel like I’ve been distant. As much as I love showing up for you all, ever since becoming a mother I feel like a completely different person. I don’t post much anymore because if I’m being honest, I have gone through so much this past year. I lost many parts of myself, and everything was just so heavy. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact I have a son at 22 years old. I felt like a huge disappointment to my family for having a baby before marriage. Even though, I truly felt like I was doing the right thing. Once my baby came into the world I became so caught up on how I’m supposed to be, as a young women, and who everyone around me was, I didn’t know what was right and what was wrong, and I judged myself so harshly. I lived in the moment with my baby and I tried to live in the moment myself, which was extremely helpful, it’s just mentally I was battling more than I could handle. I still feel like I need to “make something of myself” when I’m always just doing my best.
I can’t seem to get on a schedule for myself, I haven’t been the greatest friend to those close to me, I’ve just been so focused on being a mother it’s almost like a part of my brain shut off and all I could do is either worry, shut down, or make the best out of what I had and I still felt like I have been coming short.
I haven’t posted on YouTube in so long, my TikTok was deleted and I had to start over, it’s easy to show up on here because this is my safest place to be, but for some reason getting in front of a camera and just talking and giving advice like I used to, seems so hard for me because I am so fearful of judgement. I’ve judged myself so much, I let other peoples judgement effect me so much, the fear holds me back and I know that if I just overcame it, everything would feel better. Which I am truly trying because I miss that part of me, where I wasn’t afraid, and I didn’t care about judgement. I’ve been on social media since I was 19 and I’ll be 23 next week. So maybe everything I went through needed to happen, maybe it was just a part of my life, maybe it was needed for growing. All I know is that I will continue to embrace change and do my best.
