01/08/2024
Welcome to at
We talk a lot about the importance of identifying and validating emotions, especially for our little people.
As parents (especially!) it’s hard to witness our babies (and literally weren’t they JUST babies?!) be sad or hurt. All we typically want to do is take the pain away and make everything all better for them.
Sometimes, in our effort to make things better, we unknowingly make things worse. This can happen especially during moments of emotion that bring crying. We typically equate crying with sad, though any emotion (especially for our big feelers that are sensitive) can generate tears.
We have been socialized to believe that tears = sad and that sad = bad. This is simply and vastly untrue.
Because we believe in the equation above, the tendency is to want to stop the crying ASAP and also to hide our own tears.
There’s another common and equally untrue belief that many of us hold … that is some variation of “I’m a bad parent/caregiver because this kiddo is sad/upset right now”. This belief, conscious or not, propels us to action to stop the tears, make it better and be a good parent/caregiver.
The problem in doing this is that 1) we are invalidating a very real experience, 2) we teach kids that crying is not acceptable, 3) we teach kids that the priority is to stop the expression of feeling and 4) we don’t talk about feelings is a belief that is instilled and passed forward.
I will leave you with this thought: humans can have happy tears, sad tears, overwhelmed tears, scared tears, tears of joy, angry tears, frustrated tears, and all other sorts of tears. Crying is a way that the body leaks emotion and we need to be CURIOUS and CALM when it happens.
Gently inquiring and patiently allowing a child to tell you about their big feelings lays the groundwork for an open and honest relationship when they become teens. How many of us want kid(s) to be able to tell you how they are feeling as they get older? 🙋🏻♀️ We want to be able to help them through their big feelings, right? In order for that to happen, we need to lay the foundation when they are little; during that time when we are most afraid we’re going to be viewed as a bad parent.
Big feelings happen anywhere and everywhere… the toilet, church, when company is over, at the grocery store, in the middle of the street… IT’S ALL OK!
You can use the attached graphic to help create habits in you as a caregiver that give your children permission to feel bigly while you have the words support and validate them.
💗 Lauren Pedersen, LMFT-AS
Lpedersen@anagraceproject.org
https://linktr.ee/PedersenPsychotherapy
