04/08/2022
Where do you find your value?
This has been a big lesson for me lately. And I have coincidently?, attracted conversations on the subject. Our value, our worth, comes from our perspective of lived experience. At 8-9 I was told I wasn’t worth the money it cost to drive to a new town for visitation. The price of petrol, made it so a biological didn’t want to see us. I never realized the deep damage that did until recently. My personal self-worth has been battered and bruised from abandonment, rejection, and watching as family put money over the value of having me in their lives. He was the first, but he wasn’t the last. And the interesting thing is people then project their money as a priority in a relationship, over me. Money has never been my priority. I show up, I will drop hours, miss work, when a family member needs me, but the same couldn’t be said for others. I ask people to not measure me by their goals, because we do not have the same standards. Mine are heart based, I want to feel loved, needed and wanted, I don’t want to die with a lot of money and no human connections. It’s not the same values. But that first act of rejection over money, has been carried for too long. I’m now aware of the poisonous pattern of lack it created. So I am healing it. My value exceeds a dollar amount. My heart shows up when no one else will. Or when taking time off work is too much an inconvenience. But I can understand we were taught the same lesson, we just perceived and reacted to it in different ways. Today I am allowing my value to come from me. I will always strive to come from the heart not the pocket book, and a person’s value to me comes from seeing their heart. I will be choosing connections using my values from this moment on as I take back my power and work through my pain. Because I want to do better everyday. I want to be better everyday. And I learn new ways to think, feel, and react, every single day.