07/02/2024
... ugh.. I wish somethings you could just drop out of your mind and heart like a hot potato.
I haven't been well since dad died, I'm on my way though ..not that I'm struggling with grief.. I'm grieving in fancy peace knowing I walked dad home safe in spite of it all.. When i agreed to dress him in his ga best i had no idea the impact it would have on me. I go back from time to time just to see a glimpse of Colby in his final hours... there is so much I would do different, I was in shock, scared, shattered ultimately broken for the remainder of my life, half of my heart is gone.. as a mother I believe at least the way I feel, who i am i will do anything for my children and I did... very few people know of Colby's final request from me as his mother and just like dad.. I swallowed my tears, shoulders back, head up and am always a lady of my word.. .. I would do some things differently and some things sooner.. Colby and dad's death were so different, my little Colby had blood coming out of his mouth, I'll spare you any more details, my life has never been for the faint of heart. ive been through so much i didn't even give it a second thought, as some of you know it was a day full of broken chaos, im so grateful for the timing, i had a dentist appointment that day and got home at 4:10 ran to the living room to check on dad as always right when i walk in from town and i called mom in and told her dad was about to leave she needed to come say goodbye.. 10 mins later dad was gone and by the time the storm left and I got back to dad rigor mortis had set in. The night mares are horrific. Dad's ending was heinous to say the least. Once delirium set in all dad saw was people trying to kill him and i had a hospital bed that laid beside him night and day.. He became so violent, I thought he was going to break mom's wrist, I thought I was going to break his fingers prying them off mom's wrist, he broke my thumb and donkey kicked me across the living room and I landed on the piano... I guess I have to giggle a little bit about it now🥹.. being with Colby and Dad when they crossed over was a beautiful tragedy. I have finally reached a point where I am off all medications, I guess I like it hard bc I made this decision through the last 2 months of dad's life. I'm so proud of myself I went cold turkey on everything... I have been on pain meds since the wreck. I just took a deep breath to let go of the thought of pain and walked it out. I don't even take a tylenol, sure I have pain..lots of it, but pain has become my strength. I'm always so proud of myself even in my darkest days I was light. The Dr. wanted to put me back on minipress it's a drug they give to soldiers to stop them from having PTSD nightmares.. I have had to take it from time to time in my life as a Band-Aid a quick fix until i could stand up again. When I went down it's always a hard thump. I'm standing now though... big standing .. big big standing ..!! so I politely declined the meds bc what I'm working on is bigger than that... I'm fixing the holes in my ship, no more band daids or quick fixes, keys get down to the heart of the matter... I'm quite a skilled sailor at this point and there are so many travels ahead of me as my purpose becomes more and more clear by the second. I'm walking by faith not sight and all of creation is forming in my favor right now to be a voice of light in the darkness for those who can't find their way .. the roots of my wisdom started as a child and i feel like I'm here. In the moment, any pain from the past has become my fancy beautiful war paint and I wear it proudly. I say all of this to tell you I love you. That no matter who or what comes against you face it, right then and right there, don't let anyone throw trash in your "garden" ( brain and heart ) stand tall and slay your dragons, make peace with your demons, find out who they are and why they are there and then you will find the balance of the ying and yang.
💛,
tlc
